You're Playing With the Big Boys Now
When I was a kid, one of my favorite things to do was collect baseball cards. I couldn’t get enough. I found fifty dollars on the ground one day and immediately spent it all on baseball cards. Don’t roll your eyes at me! I still have them and they’re worth at least forty dollars now.
I remember Barry Bonds’ early baseball cards. He was a lean, mean, hitting and base stealing machine. He was slim and fit, a solid looking ball player. After 1992 or so, his cards showed a slow and steady evolution, from slim, to muscular, to thick, to brontosaurus. His 2004 baseball card shows him in right field snacking on fans in the upper deck. Yes, I know brontosauruses are vegetarians, but muscle enhancers can change even the gentlest of sauropods.
And I am curious. When baseball players Jason Giambi and Bonds admitted to having used steroids, were you really surprised? Not many sports writers were. But you know who was surprised? Barry Bonds. That’s right. His response at the trial was that he didn’t know he was taking steroids. He thought he was using a nutritional supplement and an arthritis rubbing balm.
Everyone please raise your tree-trunk shaped arms if you take nutritional supplements. Okay, quite a few of you. And I know an older gentleman with arthritis who carried my car to a service station when I ran out of gas a few years ago. How can you not know?!
Barry said his trainer told him to take these supplements but didn’t tell him what they were. Now, those who know me also know my fear of doctors. I don’t like their sterile offices, and the fact that they always chased me home when I was a kid. The last time I saw a doctor I asked a million questions. What is that? What’s it do? How much will it hurt? Five pints? Are you sure? So if one of them told me to take something, you better believe I would ask why. And I don’t even depend on my body to make jillions of dollars.
But Bonds just took it. How does that conversation go?
Trainer: Hi Barry.
Bonds: Hello trainer.
Trainer: Put these chemically-concentrated drops under your tongue and rub this ointment all over your body. The trainer has spoken.
Bonds: And so it shall be done.
And I like the names of these drugs. The drops are called “the clear” and the ointment is called “the cream”. And rain is “the wet”, grass is “the green”, and human waste is “the reality television”.
Anyway, Bonds said “I didn’t know”. This didn’t even work when I was a kid.
Who broke the lamp?
I don’t know
How did this stain get on the carpet?
I don’t know
Who used up all our toilet tissue to mummify the cat?
The cat had violated an ancient commandment. And he was safer to squeeze that way.
Maybe now that we are adults, it will work.
Why were you late for work?
I don’t know
Why were there so many typos in that report?
Eye doughn’t noe.
What’s the deal with the cat?
Well, you get the idea.
So what does this mean for baseball? Will Barry still be a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame? I don’t know. But if he needs another line of work, I heard they’re filming Jurassic Park IV.
I remember Barry Bonds’ early baseball cards. He was a lean, mean, hitting and base stealing machine. He was slim and fit, a solid looking ball player. After 1992 or so, his cards showed a slow and steady evolution, from slim, to muscular, to thick, to brontosaurus. His 2004 baseball card shows him in right field snacking on fans in the upper deck. Yes, I know brontosauruses are vegetarians, but muscle enhancers can change even the gentlest of sauropods.
And I am curious. When baseball players Jason Giambi and Bonds admitted to having used steroids, were you really surprised? Not many sports writers were. But you know who was surprised? Barry Bonds. That’s right. His response at the trial was that he didn’t know he was taking steroids. He thought he was using a nutritional supplement and an arthritis rubbing balm.
Everyone please raise your tree-trunk shaped arms if you take nutritional supplements. Okay, quite a few of you. And I know an older gentleman with arthritis who carried my car to a service station when I ran out of gas a few years ago. How can you not know?!
Barry said his trainer told him to take these supplements but didn’t tell him what they were. Now, those who know me also know my fear of doctors. I don’t like their sterile offices, and the fact that they always chased me home when I was a kid. The last time I saw a doctor I asked a million questions. What is that? What’s it do? How much will it hurt? Five pints? Are you sure? So if one of them told me to take something, you better believe I would ask why. And I don’t even depend on my body to make jillions of dollars.
But Bonds just took it. How does that conversation go?
Trainer: Hi Barry.
Bonds: Hello trainer.
Trainer: Put these chemically-concentrated drops under your tongue and rub this ointment all over your body. The trainer has spoken.
Bonds: And so it shall be done.
And I like the names of these drugs. The drops are called “the clear” and the ointment is called “the cream”. And rain is “the wet”, grass is “the green”, and human waste is “the reality television”.
Anyway, Bonds said “I didn’t know”. This didn’t even work when I was a kid.
Who broke the lamp?
I don’t know
How did this stain get on the carpet?
I don’t know
Who used up all our toilet tissue to mummify the cat?
The cat had violated an ancient commandment. And he was safer to squeeze that way.
Maybe now that we are adults, it will work.
Why were you late for work?
I don’t know
Why were there so many typos in that report?
Eye doughn’t noe.
What’s the deal with the cat?
Well, you get the idea.
So what does this mean for baseball? Will Barry still be a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame? I don’t know. But if he needs another line of work, I heard they’re filming Jurassic Park IV.
posted by AaronJLohr | 9:54 AM
2 Comments:
I know it's only because I'm a die-hard Cardinals fan and was in love with Mark McGwire, but can I just say that I felt a certain amount of satisfaction when Bonds finally acted--in court no less--like the moron I've truly believed him to be for years. Sweet justice. Can they strip of his homerun title next?
I would agree that his stats shouldn't be taken on the same level as past greats. But that's probably what will happen. I hope the promised new steroid testing will help bring some credibility back to the sport.
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