And He Goes Down the Chimney….okay

So I was thinking about Christmas and Santa Claus today and I’ve discovered something peculiar. We’re all familiar with the character of Santa Claus and his infamous exploits (bringing toys, being jolly, poisoning Ukrainian Presidential candidates), but have we really stopped to analyze this timeless legend?

Let’s pretend an alien abducts you. He beams you up, gives you the standardized math tests and probing and then quizzes you on the icon of Santa Claus. And you tell him. He looks to his alien friends and smirks as best he can given the absence of a face. And that’s that. They will certainly attack for they know we are dumb.

Consider:

1. Santa Claus is ageless. He has been around and he will continue to be around. Ponce de Leon shouldn’t have been looking for the Fountain of Youth in the Americas, he should have gone to the North Pole. Which leads me to my second point.

2. Santa lives in the North Pole. I think all the explorers who have died trying to reach the North Pole are particularly put off by this one (or they would be if they hadn‘t died). They spend their whole life preparing, packing, mapping and training to cross this barren terrain and this timeless fat man freakin’ lives there with a whole city of elves and reindeer. Which leads me to my third point.

3. Santa is fat. Have you considered how Santa maintains his figure in the icy lands of the arctic? If you believe the Discovery Channel he swims off the shores of Seal Island and waits for the aquatic mammals to embark on their fishing journeys. Eyeing them from the deep, he singles one out and shoots straight up catching the hapless seal in his great jaws. The media is so biased. I’m pretty sure he’s munchin’ on the elves and reindeer. Which brings me to my fourth point.

4. Flying reindeer. Huh? I mean who thinks this stuff up? Reindeer are not very aeronautically crafted animals. Why couldn’t it be large geese, or bats? Imagine the Santa story if giant bats towed his sleigh. Anyway, somehow these reindeer fly and take Santa to every home. Which brings me to my fifth point.

5. Every home? The only solution is that Santa has perfected cloning technology. The cost of such an endeavor must be incalculable. Where does Santa get the money. He’s got a warehouse making toys for every boy and girl, he travels like crazy, and he’s got the cloning operation. Sounds sketchy to me.

Then there are the little things. Going down chimneys. A sleigh with room for every toy. Seeing and judging children at all times. And of course the logistics of running the warehouse of elves.

So this Christmas, let us all be grateful that Jolly Old St. Nick is on our side. Because let’s face it, he could make us disappear if he wished. So I say, bring on the alien scum. They won’t be “smirking” for long. Cuz you know what? Santa knows they’re coming, and he knows their naughty. He’s checking his lists and these no-faced, spider-armed, triple-jointed, nasties definitely made Santa’s Hit List. Beware! Beware!!! And Merry Christmas!