You Dirty Rat. You Killed Our Ecosystem.
Yes, I know I'm late with this one. I was on vacation for the holidays acquiring loot and feasting. But I did come across a disconcerting news item as referenced in the title of today's blog.
Now I know this headline scares some of you. Well, it should. Especially is you live in Florida. Sure the weather is beautiful and the beaches are among the best, but if you look past the tourists, the night life and the beautiful sun bathers (ahem..I said look past them), you will now see large filthy ravenous rats. Brace yourself America for the invasion of the Gambian pouch rat.
The rodents can grow as big as a raccoon and conservationists are concerned that if the rats are not eradicated they could spread disease, kill endangered species, devour rare plants, and possibly construct a tower to the heavens made of their own excrement.
Florida Department of Tourism officials are quick to point out that the rats aren’t so bad. “They are very friendly and affectionate,” said Tom Meeks. “This is probably because their large size, formidable fangs, and martial arts skills ensure they have no fear of humans.”
These rats are so big they have no natural predators. Cats won’t go near them and deer still aren’t carnivorous. Biologists say in the absence of natural predators we need unnatural predators. They have therefore created the first “deercat”. The deercat has the body of a deer, but the head, tail, and carnivorous tendencies of a cat. It is also equipped with a side-mounted rocket launcher. Unfortunately it sleeps 17 hours a day and freezes when in headlights.
“The deercat is the perfect mutated beast for the job,” said Dr. Evelyn Krayzey. “It can bound through the Florida forests at remarkable speeds, it’s always hungry, and it is armed to the teeth.”
Florida residents are concerned that one deercat may not be enough, yet more than one could destroy mankind. The state of Florida has issued a contract to take out the rats, but so far no one has applied.
If something isn’t done soon, it may be too late. One Gambian pouch rat, can reproduce 24 babies in just nine months. That’s more than most people. And biologists warn that while the rat only appears on Grassy Key, FL, it is only a truck ride, bridge walk, or kite voyage to the mainland. And then there will be no stopping them.
So take this time to hug your children. Tell that special someone you love them today. For tomorrow, we will cower in the shadow of a giant and unpleasantly scented tower, trying to awaken the deercat. Happy New Year!
Now I know this headline scares some of you. Well, it should. Especially is you live in Florida. Sure the weather is beautiful and the beaches are among the best, but if you look past the tourists, the night life and the beautiful sun bathers (ahem..I said look past them), you will now see large filthy ravenous rats. Brace yourself America for the invasion of the Gambian pouch rat.
The rodents can grow as big as a raccoon and conservationists are concerned that if the rats are not eradicated they could spread disease, kill endangered species, devour rare plants, and possibly construct a tower to the heavens made of their own excrement.
Florida Department of Tourism officials are quick to point out that the rats aren’t so bad. “They are very friendly and affectionate,” said Tom Meeks. “This is probably because their large size, formidable fangs, and martial arts skills ensure they have no fear of humans.”
These rats are so big they have no natural predators. Cats won’t go near them and deer still aren’t carnivorous. Biologists say in the absence of natural predators we need unnatural predators. They have therefore created the first “deercat”. The deercat has the body of a deer, but the head, tail, and carnivorous tendencies of a cat. It is also equipped with a side-mounted rocket launcher. Unfortunately it sleeps 17 hours a day and freezes when in headlights.
“The deercat is the perfect mutated beast for the job,” said Dr. Evelyn Krayzey. “It can bound through the Florida forests at remarkable speeds, it’s always hungry, and it is armed to the teeth.”
Florida residents are concerned that one deercat may not be enough, yet more than one could destroy mankind. The state of Florida has issued a contract to take out the rats, but so far no one has applied.
If something isn’t done soon, it may be too late. One Gambian pouch rat, can reproduce 24 babies in just nine months. That’s more than most people. And biologists warn that while the rat only appears on Grassy Key, FL, it is only a truck ride, bridge walk, or kite voyage to the mainland. And then there will be no stopping them.
So take this time to hug your children. Tell that special someone you love them today. For tomorrow, we will cower in the shadow of a giant and unpleasantly scented tower, trying to awaken the deercat. Happy New Year!
posted by AaronJLohr | 8:36 AM
5 Comments:
It's too much. :)
Maybe just a tad. But most of the story is true. Those crazy rats are for real. Of course every true story needs a little embellishing. :)
Tall tales are more enjoyable.
You're embellishments always make me smile.
and no mention of R.O.U.S.'s ?? I would think they actually do exist...now even made in America!
Rodents of Unusual Size. Well I do consider raccoon an unusual size ... :)
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