Fish Soldiers of the Future

There have been more than enough jokes about comic book superhero Aquaman. Compared to iconic heroes Batman, Superman, and Spiderman he seems ill-equipped for most scenarios. He can't really respond to an asteroid hurtling toward the earth, he couldn't do much to stop a bank robbery, and he'd likely throw his hands up and shrug if asked to get a cat out of a tree. And we won't talk about he can easily be killed by accidentally spilling too many fish flakes over his underwater home.

And yet, despite his inadequacies, the U.S. Army is taking a page out of his book that could shape the future of our military. I know what you're thinking. Besides his ability to speak with underwater creatures and his incredible tapeworm infestation, what could Aquaman offer?

Well the answer lies in that really snazzy orange fish scale shirt. The U.S. Army has funded a study of the scales of the polypterus, a rather ugly fish, because they believe its scales could serves as a model for a new and advanced form of armor. It's hard to believe that we've wasted so much time investing in metals and plastics for the lightweight yet durable body armor the military currently uses. We should be wrappin' them in fish skins and just watch as the rockets repel off the armor and fly back towards the shooters.

Shooter #1: This is too easy. Look at them in their bright orange shirts and their gargantuan purple sea horses. Take this!

(watches rocket's path to target)

Shooter #2: Excellent shot, there's no way that ... hey... what the ... it just bounced off him and made some cartoonish ricochet sound effect.

Shooter #1: And it's heading right back at us!

Shooter #2: Maybe our new shrimp skin woven sweater vests will repel the ....

KABOOM!!!

If the new fish armor catches on, it likely won't be long until we see jets with feathers and boats with three rows of serrated teeth that only attack you because they think you're a seal.

Apparently the army has a lot of money laying around, which is interesting when you read about the record national debt of the U.S. being $9.5 trillion. I can imagine how this conversation with our creditors goes.

Creditor: Look, it's been a while, and this number is actually increasing, not decreasing. Any chance we'll see some money soon?

U.S.: Uh, sure. We intend on payin' ya back very soon. But we've got some crisis situations that demand our attention right now.

Creditor: Such as?

U.S.: Well, you see, there's these right ugly fish in Africa that got these real tough scales and ...

Creditor: Excuse me. Did you say fish?

U.S.: That's right. And they got these scales which protect them so that when other fish bite them, it takes a few more bites to kill em'.

Creditor: And?

U.S.: And umm...so...we thought the scales...could...protect our soldiers...from...fish bites...for a time. Look, I gotta go, I've got someone here who wants to talk to me about squirrel fur. ~click~

Creditor: Hello? Hello?

I'm all for researching new technology, and maybe there's something to these fish. Sure these armored fish are killed by other fish all the time, but how often are they killed by bullets or rocket-propelled grenades? Probably not very often. And I think that's what we're paying for here. Piece of mind.

If Aquaman were here, he'd be the first to tell you that tapeworms can lead to acute abdominal discomfort, flatulence, and megaloblastic anemia.