Ray Gun: Not for Animal Usage

I’ve watched a lot of nature documentaries and lately I’ve been thinking that humans got a really sweet thing going on. I mean no other animal has it so easy. For animals, every day is a life and death struggle. One day you’re playing with your bros by the ole waterhole, and the next thing you know, your body is caught in a deadly tug of war between a pride of lions and a huge croc.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM

Of course we have our own struggles. I remember the other day I was really looking forward to watching CSI: Miami, and it turned out to be a repeat that I have seen like three times. I was very disappointed…still alive…but disappointed.

I can’t help but wonder how humans came to rule the planet. It seems we have the worst survival skills. Other animals have fur to keep them warm, claws to climb trees and protect themselves, and the ability to eat meat without having to cook it. They have much stronger senses, they’re generally in fitter shape, and most animals are completely debt-free. These animals have lived for centuries in harsh conditions like the jungles, deserts, or the Serengeti. We can’t even keep a cool head when the power goes out or when it snows a few inches.

In a fight, most animals would totally own a human. And I’m not just talking about bears, lions, or sharks. Think about it. If I locked you in a room with a couple possums, what do you think would happen? How about if I turn out the lights? They can totally see in the dark and would shred you to bloody ribbons before you could even wet your pants.

And yet, every day there’s less of them and more of us. You know why? I’ll tell you why. Because we got da brains. If evolution is true, then I’m guessing once we got those bigger brains, our fur fell off, we lost the ability to sense oncoming natural disasters, and we could no longer just fall out of a tree onto a boar, envelop it in our thick scaly coils, squeezing the very breath out of its lungs, before unhinging our jaws and devouring the beast head first. Yes, those we’re the good ole days.

But we’ve found ways to get back to our roots. We don’t have fur, but someone invented Abercrombie & Fitch, so now we can stay warm and be smug. Someone, I don’t know who, invented the George Foreman Grill so that we can once more eat the other animals without contracting lethal diseases. And we still don’t have claws, but now we have a ray gun! How bout that three-toed sloth! You got a problem now? What?!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20497575/

Oh, you didn’t hear? The army has a ray gun now. This sucker is the size of a hummer and it shoots people with an energy beam that creates the sensation that their flesh is on fire. Apparently, it’s so painful that the army hasn’t been able to justify its usage. Of course that didn’t stop them from plunking down $62 million for it.

Commanders in Iraq say this weapon would provide an excellent non-lethal way to disperse crowds. My response? If you think the crowd was tough before, wait until you have hundreds of people running and screaming through town as their skin cooks from the inside out. I’m sure in time, they’ll cool off and accept democracy.

So, if the Army isn’t going to use this beauty maybe we can think of other ways to use it. How about we put one on top of mosquito trucks? If it can cause such pain in people, it will totally fry those little buggers.

And are you tired of those door-to-door salesmen? They won’t bother you anymore after an encounter with the Fleshmelter 3000.

So let the animals have their precious fur and mighty claws. Just don’t let them get behind the trigger of this masterpiece, because they would light us up like a Christmas tree.