Creepier than the Average Deer

It is hard to find a scientific theory more controversial than evolution. Except perhaps this crazy talk I hear of something called the “heliocentric” theory, which suggests our planet actually rotates around Pyranon, the God of Fire. This is clearly heretical, and such “scientists” should be thrown to the Hydra.

Evolution suggests that all organisms can trace their origins to some asteroid’s snot-rocket. That may explain our salty taste and need to shower regularly. Evolution suggests that organisms mutate and evolve into other organisms as they adapt to their ever-changing environment. For example, a bird may have difficulty reaching the berries of new species of plants and so in time the bird’s beak may change sizes to better reach these new food sources. Or an alligator may need to get to the 7-11 to pick up a pack of smokes, and so it turns into a Dodge Ram.

The point is, these mutations somehow serve to advance their species. But if all such drastic mutations are for the better, than we may have a legitimate reason to be very, very afraid. This story comes out of Wisconsin.

Ron Lisko is a hunter, but he had never bagged an animal like this one. This deer had nub antlers – and seven legs. Furthermore it had both male and female organs. The extra legs grew out of the other four legs, and in Lisko’s words, resembled “crab pinchers”. Let me just say this: EWWWWW!! I need a bag or something to heave into right now…
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061214/ap_on_fe_st/seven_legged_deer

Lisko says that before he nailed this monster with his truck he said he saw these appendages moving. What possible purpose could these mutations serve? Well, crabs use their pinchers to shove carrion into their mouths and to win battles for mating rights. As mutated as this deer was, it had no mouths on it’s legs or torso, so we can cross out carrion shoving. And if this deer challenged other deer to pincher battles, it would likely be laughed at. So what’s the deal?

I’m afraid the answer is as troubling as the problem itself. Readers of this blog may be familiar with a cruel and violent creature called the deercat (See January 4, 2005 blog entry). It is a genetically altered animal that should never have been. Biologists weren’t sure how this creature would impact the ecosystem when it escaped from the laboratory it destroyed. But now I think we’re seeing the unnatural fruits or those scientists’ twisted labor.

The surviving scientists, who still live in hiding for fear of the deercat’s revenge, have sent warnings to heads of state that there is a possibility that this seven-legged deer was the deercat’s son. If this were true, we may have a serious problem. Not only does the deercat have incredible speed and strength, and that side-mounted rocket launcher, it’s powers are magnified by it’s intense inner rage.

Law enforcement officials have sought to question Lisko further about what he saw but they must have had the wrong address, for all they could find was a smoldering crater accompanied by a mysterious burn pattern that seemed to spell out “IT’S ON!”

Now I don’t want to be the one to cause a mass panic, but I think it needs to be said, that we’re likely all going to die. Thanks a bunch Darwin. Thanks a whole bunch.