Science vs. Halloween
Since the dawn of time our civilization has had a fascination with the supernatural. We love haunted houses, zombie movies, UFO sightings, and professional wrestling. But guess who’s back to throw a wet blanket on things we like…that’s right scientists. These are the same people who say man can’t have super powers or the earth “rotates”.
And this time they’re targeting vampires, ghosts, and zombies. According to them these creatures don’t exist.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061026/ap_on_sc/vampire_science
Physicist Costas Efthimiou went to school for many years so that he could tell the American people ghosts can’t walk among us while also gliding through walls because it violates Newton’s law of action and reaction. If ghosts walk, their feet apply force to the floor, but if they go through walls they are without substance. “So which is it,” the professor says, “Are ghosts material or material-less?”
Professor Efthimiou chose physics as his career and purpose in life so that he could make sure people of the world could know vampires don’t exist because if a vampire sucked one person’s blood each month – turning each victim into an equally hungry vampire – after a couple of years there would be no people left, just vampires.
So let’s run through this on a practical level:
NOT REAL
REAL
NOT REAL
REAL
NOT REAL
Now I have a hard time agreeing with all this “science”. Professor Efthimiou is basing his assumptions on stereotypes. He assumes ghosts walk, when we all know they float or use phantasmal segways. And vampires don’t always suck blood of people, nor do their victims always turn into vampires themselves. Mostly they just count stuff amid a few well-placed lightning bolts.
So clearly this “physicist” is cashing in because Halloween is right around the corner. These type of scientists justify these studies by saying sometimes they have to keep telling the public what seems all-too-obvious. Gee thanks, Mr. Brainyman. Let me help too!
The Easter Bunny technically is alive all-year long, but only comes out at Easter to lay eggs, which children then steal. This is why he is so full of rage and eats puppies.
The Tooth Fairy isn’t a fairy but a gremlin who cares nothing about teeth at all. He is just a thief. If you put your Ipod under your pillow, it will be gone in the morning. That money he leaves behind is just his calling card.
Santa Claus is actually a polar bear. He is smarter than the average bear, and does have an impressive workshop. But he doesn’t make presents there. He orders fancy kitchen tools online and eats elves.
Remember, people can use science to make any kind of outrageous claims. They’d like you to believe that thunder is simply the booming sound produced by rapidly expanding air along the path of the electrical discharge of lightning. But clearly this sound is made by ancient dragons playing flag football.
And this time they’re targeting vampires, ghosts, and zombies. According to them these creatures don’t exist.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061026/ap_on_sc/vampire_science
Physicist Costas Efthimiou went to school for many years so that he could tell the American people ghosts can’t walk among us while also gliding through walls because it violates Newton’s law of action and reaction. If ghosts walk, their feet apply force to the floor, but if they go through walls they are without substance. “So which is it,” the professor says, “Are ghosts material or material-less?”
Professor Efthimiou chose physics as his career and purpose in life so that he could make sure people of the world could know vampires don’t exist because if a vampire sucked one person’s blood each month – turning each victim into an equally hungry vampire – after a couple of years there would be no people left, just vampires.
So let’s run through this on a practical level:
NOT REAL
REAL
NOT REAL
REAL
NOT REAL
Now I have a hard time agreeing with all this “science”. Professor Efthimiou is basing his assumptions on stereotypes. He assumes ghosts walk, when we all know they float or use phantasmal segways. And vampires don’t always suck blood of people, nor do their victims always turn into vampires themselves. Mostly they just count stuff amid a few well-placed lightning bolts.
So clearly this “physicist” is cashing in because Halloween is right around the corner. These type of scientists justify these studies by saying sometimes they have to keep telling the public what seems all-too-obvious. Gee thanks, Mr. Brainyman. Let me help too!
The Easter Bunny technically is alive all-year long, but only comes out at Easter to lay eggs, which children then steal. This is why he is so full of rage and eats puppies.
The Tooth Fairy isn’t a fairy but a gremlin who cares nothing about teeth at all. He is just a thief. If you put your Ipod under your pillow, it will be gone in the morning. That money he leaves behind is just his calling card.
Santa Claus is actually a polar bear. He is smarter than the average bear, and does have an impressive workshop. But he doesn’t make presents there. He orders fancy kitchen tools online and eats elves.
Remember, people can use science to make any kind of outrageous claims. They’d like you to believe that thunder is simply the booming sound produced by rapidly expanding air along the path of the electrical discharge of lightning. But clearly this sound is made by ancient dragons playing flag football.
posted by AaronJLohr | 7:52 AM
4 Comments:
Mr. Lohr,
I enjoyed your post...particularly the picture of Count Chocula. It's good to see you are back and bloggin with a vengence.
Other theories...It is my hypothesis that Vampires Cannot Turn into Bats, because that would make them all Dracula, which is the dumbest thing i've ever heard.
Also, I think Dumbo couldn't really fly.
And that @ Thanksgiving, the Indians didn't eat any turkey, because they beleive that their past relatives could be reincarnated into such animals, especially if they were cowardly.
Peace!
Thanks for your thoughts Jim. I agree about the Dracula comment. And no Dumbo couldn't fly, just like flying squirrels don't fly. They merely glide by catching geothermal updrafts.
And that wasn't Count Chocula but "The Count" from Sesame Street. The Jury is out on Chocula as it's possible he doesn't feed on blood but marshmallow cereal. Therefore probably not a vampire, and quite possibly real.
There are approximately 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 million children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, we know is not true but will accept for the purposes of of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds anouther interesting element. Asuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.
On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal ammount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, anouther 54,000 tons, or roughly 7 times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mps in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Mike,
This is the most epic comment ever. Kudos to you for exposing the facts behind the Santa Phenomenon.
But I have heard theories that this jolly old man may have access to technology far superior to our own. Before becoming a gift-giving saint, some say he was a nefarious space pirate who loved plundering the hamster-men of Rodentius Prime.
The hamster-men reporterdly gave Santa a gift to convince him to leave them alone. That gift was a suit of time manipulation and a fleet of supersonic drones which were oddly reindeer-shaped.
Santa thanked them for such a gift and then incinerated their planet after absconding with 400 metric tons of cedar chips.
The heavy guilt Santa carries with him for his genocidal act drives him to reward innocence.
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