Water That’s Out of This World

For years, humanity has wondered if life existed beyond our terrestrial ball called earth. NASA has spent literally cajillions of dollars to answer this great question. Unfortunately no planet has that one element that is absolutely necessary for there to be life: cable television. And no other planet has water either, which scientists call “totally essential”.

Not long ago the satellite Cassini, named after the dazzling renaissance magician Cassini the Magnificent, arrived at Saturn and started collecting data on the famous ringed planet and its accompanying moons. Unfortunately the most exciting thing it ever found was a pattern of shifting space dust that closely resembled the profile of Elvis during his heavier years.

Today, however, NASA announced an even more remarkable find. While flying by the ice-covered moon Enceladus, named after the mighty renaissance warrior-poet Enceladus the Terribly Poignant, the satellite caught glimpses of Yellowstone-like geysers that are shooting water. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11736311/

Scientists say that this water is very much like our own, but if I were you I’d boil the mess out of it before drinking it. With this water, and it’s somewhat earthlike atmosphere, Enceladus is now the best, and only, bet for life in our or any other solar system.

Now here’s the tricky part. This moon is what astronomers call “very far from the sun”. So how can there be flowing water? How could the planet be so warm? The scientists believe that the core of the moon is liquid hot magma and off-center, closer to the surface of the southern regions. I suppose that could be.

But couldn’t it also be a race of subterranean aliens that have the body of a scorpion, the head of a male orangutan, and the temperament of cornered wolverine? I think it could. And if we alert them to our presence, it’s likely only a matter of time before they come to conquer our warmer and cable-ready planet.

Fortunately, NASA has been secretly working on a Time Machine. And while yes, the time machine was built purely for purposes of exploration and research, there may come a time where it will be needed for the purposes of national defense. The time machine is large enough to transport 3 or 4 people.

So, we send a two man team back in time to collect the two men who could save us. That’s right, I’m talking about Cassini the Magnificent and Enceladus the Terribly Poignant. I know it may sound ironic, but these two, while arch-enemies, are truly the best choices to come to our aid.

Everyone knows orangutans are suckers for shiny objects. And no one knows how to dazzle with shiny objects like Cassini the Magnificent. Furthermore, Enceladus, the warrior-poet, could stimulate the orangutan’s advanced cognitive powers with his stirring monologues, while decapitating it with his duel-edged blade, “Redemption”.

Without them we are lost. Of course, all of this could be avoided if we just leave those terrible monkey-scorpions alone. Let’s hope NASA makes the right decision.