Yo-Ho-Ho, It be Halloween!

I know I’m a little early, but it’s always been hard waiting for Halloween. When I was a child, Halloween was one of my favorite days of the year. I loved dressing up like a pirate and walking around the neighborhood with a plastic sword yelling “Arr!” or “Abast Matey!” I still love it. Sometimes I do it at the office just to freak people out and stop them from giving me any more assignments.

COMPANY BIGWIG: Lohr, we need you to compile a report on the latest responses to our site downloads.
CAPTAIN LOHRBEARD: (with pencil for hand) ARR!! Abast matey!!
BIGWIG: Err…what’s going on?
LOHRBEARD: YE’LL BE TAKIN’ YER REQUEST ELSEWHARR MATEY OR I’LL BE RUNNIN’ YA THROUGH WITH ME BROADSWORD AND SENDIN’ YE TO DAVEY JONES LOCKER!!!
BIGWIG: Mommy!!

I remember one year we spent Halloween with my grand-aunt in her gigantic housing development in Deltona, Florida. There were more houses than you could count, maybe even more than I could count. And the best part was 95 percent of them were older folks who wanted nothing more than to spoil young little pirates. I remember some houses gave me full Hershey bars. That year my brother and I each hauled in three large bags of candy. Good times indeed. We would each get braces and retainers in the upcoming years.

When I reflect on those days I think about family, childhood innocence, and just how sweet it would have been to be a real pirate. I mean think about it. We have Halloween once a year. Back in the day, pirates would daily sail their gigantic ships into ports and carry their real swords and make off with all the lollipops and gummy worms they wanted (often times much more than three bags).

I think the most dangerous job back then would have been candy-maker. Sure you’d be popular with everyone (especially the ladies), probably even Governor of the territory, but you’d be the biggest target in town. Pirates all up and down the Spanish Main would smell that sweet chocolate from miles away and would certainly come a’plunderin’. Candy-makers probably had to live in isolation and the fear would certainly drive them mad.

That’s why my all-time hero is Willy Wonka. Pursuing the most dangerous of jobs, he gave up everything: friends, family and his very sanity. He did it all so he could continue producing the gob-stoppers and jaw breakers that make this world go round.

Perhaps some of you are unfamiliar with the American Folk Hero Willy Wonka and his many adventures. In honor of him and this most special of holidays, let me take you on a trip back in time, when milk duds were worth their weight in gold and deadly pirates sailed the seas looking for a sugar fix.

Willy Wonka, Halloween Hero

It still wasn’t sweet enough, and it certainly wasn’t sticky enough. This would not do. The Germans were very particular about their taffy and Willy Wonka wouldn’t stand for an unsatisfied customer.

“Release more sugar!” Wonka shouted to his troop of Oompa Loompas.

Three of the little men ran to a mushroom-shaped console with bright multi-colored lights. The console controlled a what looked like a gigantic upside down rosebud that hung from the ceiling of Wonka’s vast candy laboratory. As the Oompa Loompas pushed and pulled levers and buttons the bud slowly bloomed. Out of a nearby wall, a giant clamp emerged, headed towards the flower and latched onto the stem, which it then gently shook. Like a quiet winter day, sugar fell like snow into Wonka’s taffy cauldron.

Wonka, with eyes fixated on the cauldron, waited a few moments and then quickly yelled “Enough!”

The Oompa Loompas quickly worked the buttons and levers again and the clamp released the flower, which slowly receded back to a bud.

He was about to taste it once more when he heard a thunderous crash just outside the laboratory walls. Wonka, a man of incredible focus, only paused briefly before reaching for the taffy again. But once more, a crash, even louder than the first, boomed just outside the wall.

“Well this will not do at all,” Wonka said to no one in particular. “A candy laboratory must be quiet and undisturbed. Fortunately, those walls are made of reinforced Jolly Ranchers. It would take a direct hit from a cannon shot to shake their foundation.”

At that moment, there came a loud crash, much like a direct hit from a cannon shot, and large bits of Jolly Ranchers were flying through the air like daggers (fortunately these Jolly Ranchers were not watermelon-flavored ~ugh~).

Wonka ducked behind the taffy cauldron and waited for the dust and debris to clear up before he re-opened his eyes. After a few moments he stood and brushed bits of candy from his shoulder and that’s when he realized he had visitors.

Before him stood five men, who most certainly were pirates. They all had at least one eye patch, one of them had two. Another of the men was nearly twice the size of Wonka and he carried a badminton racket which looked very much like it had not been used for its intended purpose.

The pirate in front, which Wonka assumed to be the leader, had no hooks or pegs, but did have a large unkempt reddish beard and was holding a plastic bag which he promptly opened.

“Trick arr treat,” he said, holding the bag towards Wonka. The other pirates followed suit, pulling similar bags from their belt and opening them.

“Excuse me?” asked Wonka, raising an annoyed eye brow.

“We’ve come for the taffy ye landlubbin’ swine. If’n ye carr to be makin’ con-dee in the few-charr ye’ll be fillin’ these here bags with that tharr taffy.”

“Who are you?” asked Wonka, who complimented his raised eye brow with the folding of his arms.

“I be thee most nefarrrious pirate who evarr sailed. Perhaps ye heard of me. My name be Travis and these are me band of sugarthirsty pirates: BARRnacle Bill, ShARRkbait, Blind Pete, and Not Blind Pete.”

“Travis…” muttered Wonka, “No I haven’t heard of you. But don’t feel bad. I don’t hear of anyone. I generally don’t accept visitors, but apparently I’m making an exception today.”

“Indeed ye arr,” said Travis, stepping towards the taffy cauldron. “Now if ye’ll kindly step out of the way, we’ll be helpin’ arrrselves to arr plundarr.”

“I can’t let you do that,” said Wonka. “It’s not for you.”

“Aye, I agree with ye tharr candyman, but that be why we’re callin’ it plunderin’ and not umm…arr…just takin’ what’s already arrrs.”

The other pirates nodded in agreement.

“Ah,” said Wonka. “I don’t think you understand. You see, the taffy is for the Germans.”

“So,” said Travis, “Why should I carrr?”

“Because,” started Wonka, “candy makes the world go round. Each and every piece plays a vital role. If even one ended up in the wrong hands, then …”

“Then the world would stop turnin’?” asked Travis.

Wonka nodded.

Sharkbait, a small man who judging by his many scars earned his name, scratched his head with one of his four hooks and said, “If the world stopped turnin’, then we wouldn’t have the change in seasons anymore, or day/night cycles. Plants would die, which would cause animals to die. And without plants and animals, we’d die.”

The other pirates stroked their beards in deep thought and quietly muttered, “Arrr.”

The large man, Barnacle Bill, pulled out a picture of a white fluffy bunny, tears filling his eyes. “No more Puff Puff?” he asked as he lovingly stroked the picture.

“No more Puff Puff,” confirmed Wonka.

“Oh, c’mon,” said Travis, “Get out of me way. This treas-arr be mine!!”

Travis took another step towards the cauldron, when, from the corner of his eye, he noticed a badminton racket racing towards his head. “Look at all the stARRs!” he said before collapsing to the ground.

“So I guess there’s no treasure today,” said Not-Blind Pete.
“Where are we?! What the Heck is going on?!!” cried Blind Pete.

“Actually,” Wonka said, revealing four bags of candy from his coat, “These candies were meant specifically for you.”

Each pirate stepped up in turn to receive their bag of candy and after thanking Willy Wonka, went on their way to pillage and plunder neighboring villages.

And that’s the story of how Willy Wonka lied to save his skin. What a guy! Happy Halloween!