Grandpa Gives Leopard a Tongue Lashing He Won’t Forget

Whether it’s heights, spiders or Fox News, everyone fears something. And some phobias are common among nearly everyone, such as the fear of being alone or the fear of getting old. Today’s blog may help to alleviate both of those fears.

Let me set the stage for you. You are a 73-year-old Kenyan grandfather, all alone in a rural area near Mount Kenya. You’re whistling a merry old tune, Don’t Phunk With My Heart by the Black-Eyed Peas, while tending to your potato and bean crops. The plants seem to show signs of strengthening after the long drought, a rare spot of good news.

As you pull a few weeds from around the base of one of the plants you feel the hairs on the back of your arm stand on end and become keenly aware of someone, or something watching you. You slowly pull the machete from your belt and turn around to face the tall grasses. At first you see nothing, and wonder if perhaps you are just too jumpy. But then, the grasses quickly part and a large leopard springs forth, with razor sharp claws and spectacularly whitened teeth.

This is the true story of peasant farmer Daniel M’Mburugu. Do you want to know how it turned out?? Do you think he survives, all body parts accounted for?? Do you want to know why the leopard’s teeth are so white?? Me too! Let’s see what happened, with an excellent point of view shift.

So the tiger springs forth from the tall grass and knocks Daniel to the ground. As it sinks its teeth into his wrist and began mauling him with its claws, he hears the voice of God tell him to drop his machete. I would have severely questioned God on this one, but Daniel is a man of faith. He drops the machete and then God tells him to stick his arm down the leopard’s mouth, grab hold of its tongue, and rip it free from the beast’s jaws. I would have wondered at this bit of advice as well. But Daniel obeys.

He reaches in, grabs the leopard’s tongue, and rips it out, sending the animal into a slow and painful death. I want to reiterate that this is a true story as reported by Reuters. Pretty wild huh?

So you don’t need to be afraid of being lonely or getting old anymore, because lonely old guys can kill leopards by ripping out their tongues. I hope today’s blog has changed your life….what’s that you say? Why were the leopard’s teeth so white??

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot….

Well, you see, Colgate and Crest have risen to the top two in sales of toothpaste due to their ever expanding line of products (Crest with mint, Crest with mint and baking soda, Crest Whitening with Tartar Control, mint and baking soda, Crest Ultra-White Anti-Plaque Tartar Control with mint and baking soda, and Colgate baking soda).

And while some may disagree with the practice, many of the products are tested first on animals, usually monkeys and mice (M&Ms as they say in the field). Well, recently, to garner publicity for their brand, Crest has shown their product off at local zoos, brushing the tusks of African Elephants. When people saw how brightly the tusks shone, stores couldn’t keep Crest products on the shelf.

Well, Colgate, always meaning well, but not fully grasping the marketing machine, knew they had to one-up Crest. So, they sent a team to Nairobi with their new Colgate Crazy Almost Dangerous Whitening Gel with Twice the Mint and Four Times the Baking Soda. Their instructions were simple and not particularly well thought out. Find high profile animals, brush their teeth, and take a picture for the Colgate Web site.

The team sent several pictures featuring the pearly whites of iguanas, rats, and impressively, dung beetles. Colgate HQ replied that these animals, while delicious, are not high-profile. So the team changed their plans, and decided to look for leopards. Well, one thing led to another, and they all died.