Back to the Past. The Jurassic to Be Precise

Do you remember the good old days? People didn’t swear on television, gas prices were cheap, and dinosaurs ruled the earth. It’s been 60 million years since the monstrous lizards reigned supreme. Could they finally be returning? Alan Greenspan says no, but scientists say “I dunno, maybe”.

The recent change in plausibility of dino-resurrection is due to a recent find in Montana. Some archaeologists stumbled across the skeleton of a 40 foot tall Tyrannosaurus Rex. And you know how scientists are, first they’re excited about their find, maybe they celebrate a bit, push up too excitedly on their taped together glasses, and before you could say “Beam Me Up Scotty” the ancient bones ended up getting broken. But this turns out to be a good thing. Inside the broken bones, scientists discovered soft tissue (with aloe so it doesn’t irritate your nose).

This is important for a few reasons. First when the cells from the soft tissue were compared to an ostrich, they were found to be nearly identical. This proves the controversial theory that dinosaurs were made out of ostriches.

Secondly, it is entirely possible that the soft tissue may contain a complete strand of DNA. And with that DNA, we could clone the T-Rex. This would be dangerous of course, so I would recommend securing a small tropical island and building an amusement park with giant fences to house the beasts. What could possibly go wrong?

I asked some of my friends what they thought about cloning dinosaurs. All agreed that it wasn’t a morally right decision, but they also all agreed that if it did happen they would love to go see it. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong. I mean, if you cloned a T-Rex and then trained it to eat kittens or steal hubcaps, then that would be wrong. But if you clone a T-Rex and use it to pick apples from tall trees or rescue people from burning buildings then that would be good.

I recently watched an episode of Fear Factor where these lunkheads had to get away from a police dog to advance to the next round of the game. Police dogs are vicious and it was fun to watch. But what if, instead of chasing people, the dogs chased a T-Rex?....I mean, what if instead of a police dog, a T-Rex chased the people and chomped em’ up? Wouldn’t that be more satisfying? Of course it would.

I don’t know how you feel about the return of the dinosaurs. But just to be safe, it may be a good idea to make sure your hubcaps are really fastened up good.