The Big Stomp
Before there were computers, Play Stations, and tetanus shots, children used to think the most fun thing to do was go to a circus. Back then people would go to big tents in some field to see real ferocious animals, goofy clowns, and a whole freak show. Now, thanks to MTV, we can see these things from the comfort of our living room. Don’t get me wrong. This is not a blog about lost innocence. While the circus seems tame and fun, it can be a death trap.
In the past, there have been deadly fires, fatal falls, and the occasional lightning strike. But the real danger is 13 feet high, weighs up to 6 tons, and enjoys peanuts. No, it’s not a fire engine with the ladder up. That’s an amazingly stupid guess. The correct answer is: the elephant.
Today, CNN.com reported yet another elephant-related fatality. Apparently this is a common occurrence. From 1990 to 2003, captive elephants killed 65 people and injured 130, according to Circuses.com (The World’s #1 News Source). These deaths often are a result of trampling or being sat upon, and are always described as accidents. But are they?
Elephants are much smarter and craftier than we give them credit for. Think about the facts: big head to house big brain, excellent familial traits and intercommunication, show memory and mourning for dead family members, can achieve flight simply with enlarged ears, and the rare pink variety are invisible to human eyes. Such a creature certainly doesn’t make “accidents”.
And unsurprisingly, they don’t like being chained up for our entertainment. You think that stench at the zoo is unavoidable? Ha! They know what they’re doing. I use the same tactic at home to drive away salesman or end difficult conversations.
So what are we to do? Some say the offending elephants should be destroyed. Yes, brilliant, give the elephant nation another martyr. No, the key is communication. I propose we have a conference with their leaders and draft a treaty of non-aggression. We give them their freedom and they stop sitting on us. This seems fair to me. But we would need a persuasive negotiator. I would recommend Ozzie Osbourne. He’s fearless, uncompromising, and recognizes the paramount importance of verbal abuse.
Together, we can usher in a new era of human-pachyderm relations. One without fear, stench, or “accidents”. It’s time for the circus to re-define itself anyway. Perhaps if it was on television and the trapeze lady got to pick one clown from a group of 10 to marry. Each episode she would kick one off by throwing a pie to the face. Hold on a sec, my phone is ringing.
Hello? Fox Broadcasting? How did you get my number?
In the past, there have been deadly fires, fatal falls, and the occasional lightning strike. But the real danger is 13 feet high, weighs up to 6 tons, and enjoys peanuts. No, it’s not a fire engine with the ladder up. That’s an amazingly stupid guess. The correct answer is: the elephant.
Today, CNN.com reported yet another elephant-related fatality. Apparently this is a common occurrence. From 1990 to 2003, captive elephants killed 65 people and injured 130, according to Circuses.com (The World’s #1 News Source). These deaths often are a result of trampling or being sat upon, and are always described as accidents. But are they?
Elephants are much smarter and craftier than we give them credit for. Think about the facts: big head to house big brain, excellent familial traits and intercommunication, show memory and mourning for dead family members, can achieve flight simply with enlarged ears, and the rare pink variety are invisible to human eyes. Such a creature certainly doesn’t make “accidents”.
And unsurprisingly, they don’t like being chained up for our entertainment. You think that stench at the zoo is unavoidable? Ha! They know what they’re doing. I use the same tactic at home to drive away salesman or end difficult conversations.
So what are we to do? Some say the offending elephants should be destroyed. Yes, brilliant, give the elephant nation another martyr. No, the key is communication. I propose we have a conference with their leaders and draft a treaty of non-aggression. We give them their freedom and they stop sitting on us. This seems fair to me. But we would need a persuasive negotiator. I would recommend Ozzie Osbourne. He’s fearless, uncompromising, and recognizes the paramount importance of verbal abuse.
Together, we can usher in a new era of human-pachyderm relations. One without fear, stench, or “accidents”. It’s time for the circus to re-define itself anyway. Perhaps if it was on television and the trapeze lady got to pick one clown from a group of 10 to marry. Each episode she would kick one off by throwing a pie to the face. Hold on a sec, my phone is ringing.
Hello? Fox Broadcasting? How did you get my number?
posted by AaronJLohr | 1:05 PM
2 Comments:
Didn't Ozzy bite the heads off of live mice? As mice are elephant's greatest fears, Ozzy would command incredible respect. Or, they might be too freaked out by a live-mouse-head-biter-offer to be in the same room.
I was wondering why Ozzie came to my mind while I was writing this. I think subliminally, I was on your wavelength. I don't know about mice though..I know he bit off the heads of bats, barbie dolls and wildebeest.
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