NASA Gonna Fix That Comet Real Good
I’ve always been incredibly impressed with the things man has learned to do through the years. Indoor plumbing, landing on the moon, and super-absorbent paper towels are probably the top three that come to everyone’s mind. But on July 4, 2005, we will bear witness to something so remarkable that everything else will pale in comparison.
NASA has long wondered what is on the inside of a comet. Why? Well, comets are believed to contain frozen remains from the solar system’s early years. By probing below the comet’s surface, we can learn what the universe was like 4 billion years ago. And you know how important that is…
Anyway, the question remains, how do we get a look inside? That’s easy. You ever go to a party where they have a piñata? Well NASA certainly has. They’ve also played a lot of video games and have been trying to find an excuse to blow something up for quite a while. They are preparing to launch the “Deep Impact” probe which will smash a hole in Comet Tempel 1, which is 82 million miles from earth, and then check out the guts and juicy bits that spray and spew forth from the massive gaping wound. Scientists are real sickos.
There are some noteworthy assumptions that NASA makes here.
First, how do we know this is safe? What if we merely alter the course of the comet and send it straight towards earth and it smashes us and sends our guts and juicy bits spilling over the expanse of space. I’m making myself a little woozy here…
Second, and more importantly, how do we know that comets aren’t actually alien spaceships that have living vengeful no-faced, spider-armed, triple-jointed nasties inside? We pop that piñata and the only treat were going to get is excessive probing.
Third, how do we know that his comet doesn’t belong to Magistrate Gigantor of the Volkan Empire? If you’ve ever have had something you loved destroyed or stolen by another you know how awful it feels. Well trust me, Magistrate Gigantor will feel the same, and after a therapeutic cry and several pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream, he will send his fleet of planet-eaters.
So ask yourselves: Is it worth the risk? Well, if the worst comes true and our guts and juicy bits do indeed spill forth, at least we will have the super-absorbent paper towels to keep anything from staining too badly.
NASA has long wondered what is on the inside of a comet. Why? Well, comets are believed to contain frozen remains from the solar system’s early years. By probing below the comet’s surface, we can learn what the universe was like 4 billion years ago. And you know how important that is…
Anyway, the question remains, how do we get a look inside? That’s easy. You ever go to a party where they have a piñata? Well NASA certainly has. They’ve also played a lot of video games and have been trying to find an excuse to blow something up for quite a while. They are preparing to launch the “Deep Impact” probe which will smash a hole in Comet Tempel 1, which is 82 million miles from earth, and then check out the guts and juicy bits that spray and spew forth from the massive gaping wound. Scientists are real sickos.
There are some noteworthy assumptions that NASA makes here.
First, how do we know this is safe? What if we merely alter the course of the comet and send it straight towards earth and it smashes us and sends our guts and juicy bits spilling over the expanse of space. I’m making myself a little woozy here…
Second, and more importantly, how do we know that comets aren’t actually alien spaceships that have living vengeful no-faced, spider-armed, triple-jointed nasties inside? We pop that piñata and the only treat were going to get is excessive probing.
Third, how do we know that his comet doesn’t belong to Magistrate Gigantor of the Volkan Empire? If you’ve ever have had something you loved destroyed or stolen by another you know how awful it feels. Well trust me, Magistrate Gigantor will feel the same, and after a therapeutic cry and several pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream, he will send his fleet of planet-eaters.
So ask yourselves: Is it worth the risk? Well, if the worst comes true and our guts and juicy bits do indeed spill forth, at least we will have the super-absorbent paper towels to keep anything from staining too badly.
posted by AaronJLohr | 7:58 AM
4 Comments:
It truly is scary that my first thought after the third paragraph was "What if it alters the path and then smushes us all?" I think I've watched a few too many comet movies. Or maybe we're on the right track. I know I'd hate to have my guts and juicy bits spewed forth because of some warped version of "Astroid" or "Space Invaders."
Well we knew we were going to destroy our planet sometime. At least this is creative and fun. Much better than poisoning the atmosphere or nuclear war. It will be the best firework show in the history of Independence Day. Plenty of good seats still available.
Hahaha. Too much probing. I'd like to think so. But they say the same about us. "Too much reality television." Yeah, we know it's wrong, but we can't help ourselves, and like probing, it just gets dirtier and dirtier. Sorry...
Spoken like a true patriot. Bless you sir. I hope young and impressionable youth read your comment.
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