Jose Canseco: A Rhinoceros-Sized Heart Full of Love
Do you know what a pink elephant is? Most of you have heard that expression but for those of you who have not, a pink elephant is a poker hand in which the player has a full house of aces over kings. Upon revealing this hand it is customary for the player to mimic elephant trumpeting sounds and slowly sway from left to right as the other players rhythmically chant “pink elephant”. What a game. The term pink elephant is also, and more often, used to describe something that everyone knows exists but is afraid to confront.
For example, let’s say you’re all watching TV and Aunt Carol walks in from the kitchen with a Doberman attached to her leg. It is clear to everyone watching TV that Aunt Carol could use a little help, but Desperate Housewives is on and for some reason that’s worth watching. For anyone to acknowledge Aunt Carol’s struggles the TV viewing would be interrupted, and so no one says a word or makes a move. Aunt Carol’s valiant struggle with man’s best friend is a pink elephant. It takes a real hero to confront these guys, and luckily such a hero has emerged.
His name is Jose Canseco. He is a former baseball slugger who won an MVP Award, appeared in many All-Star Games, and received the Roids Ragemonger of the Year Award from Reader’s Digest. He knew what was going on in baseball, just like everyone else, only he refused to remain silent. He cared so much that he took the time to write a book exposing the pink elephant and all who helped hide it.
Jose Canseco’s story is much like that of American legend Johnny Appleseed, but instead of spreading apple trees across America, Jose spread the joy of injecting anabolic steroids into the posteriors of baseball players. It allegedly started in Oakland where he injected Mark McGwire and Jason Giambi, then to Texas, where he injected Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Gonzales, and Ivan Rodriguez, and finally to Sesame Street, where he injected Snuffleufflegus and “Big” Bird.
I know what you’re thinking. If Jose Canseco cared so much about baseball, then why did he inject so many players, and why does he continue to tout the benefits of doping? Well, the answer is simple. Jose is a bitter, envious, greedy man whose brain has been reconstructed by years of steroid abuse. His level of reason is in the same range as a hubcap from a 1991 Ford Tempo. Jose even says that one day people will discover that steroids can enable people to live longer lives. Scientist Robert Wilkinson says, “Oh God no, that’s not true at all. This is the most irresponsible thing I’ve seen since that day Aunt Carol stumbled into the TV room.”
But Jose doesn’t just expose the people he allegedly helped use steroids, he also exposes those who may have, and those who didn’t but he still doesn’t like. He says former Oriole great Cal Ripken didn’t do steroids but he was a media darling because his dad played baseball and he was white. Hmm, let’s see, Cal Ripken was Rookie of the Year, been to 20 All-Star games, was the All-Star MVP twice, the American League MVP twice, won two gold gloves, had 3,000 hits, has a world series ring, and oh yeah, smashed the consecutive game streak. He also stayed after games, sometimes for hours signing autographs, funded the Ripken Reading Foundation, and now has invested in a stadium and little league series for children across the nation. What a bum.
The truth is, Jose’s light was a flash in the pan. One moment it was very bright, and then nothing. He wants that limelight back and he wants money. If you can’t do it by talent, then you may be able to do it out of spite and vindictiveness. In this case it looks like it’s going to work for him, as his book is on its way to being a bestseller. Oh well, I leave you with this:
If you see Jose Canseco trying out for your company softball team, make sure you got those titanium underpants on.
For example, let’s say you’re all watching TV and Aunt Carol walks in from the kitchen with a Doberman attached to her leg. It is clear to everyone watching TV that Aunt Carol could use a little help, but Desperate Housewives is on and for some reason that’s worth watching. For anyone to acknowledge Aunt Carol’s struggles the TV viewing would be interrupted, and so no one says a word or makes a move. Aunt Carol’s valiant struggle with man’s best friend is a pink elephant. It takes a real hero to confront these guys, and luckily such a hero has emerged.
His name is Jose Canseco. He is a former baseball slugger who won an MVP Award, appeared in many All-Star Games, and received the Roids Ragemonger of the Year Award from Reader’s Digest. He knew what was going on in baseball, just like everyone else, only he refused to remain silent. He cared so much that he took the time to write a book exposing the pink elephant and all who helped hide it.
Jose Canseco’s story is much like that of American legend Johnny Appleseed, but instead of spreading apple trees across America, Jose spread the joy of injecting anabolic steroids into the posteriors of baseball players. It allegedly started in Oakland where he injected Mark McGwire and Jason Giambi, then to Texas, where he injected Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Gonzales, and Ivan Rodriguez, and finally to Sesame Street, where he injected Snuffleufflegus and “Big” Bird.
I know what you’re thinking. If Jose Canseco cared so much about baseball, then why did he inject so many players, and why does he continue to tout the benefits of doping? Well, the answer is simple. Jose is a bitter, envious, greedy man whose brain has been reconstructed by years of steroid abuse. His level of reason is in the same range as a hubcap from a 1991 Ford Tempo. Jose even says that one day people will discover that steroids can enable people to live longer lives. Scientist Robert Wilkinson says, “Oh God no, that’s not true at all. This is the most irresponsible thing I’ve seen since that day Aunt Carol stumbled into the TV room.”
But Jose doesn’t just expose the people he allegedly helped use steroids, he also exposes those who may have, and those who didn’t but he still doesn’t like. He says former Oriole great Cal Ripken didn’t do steroids but he was a media darling because his dad played baseball and he was white. Hmm, let’s see, Cal Ripken was Rookie of the Year, been to 20 All-Star games, was the All-Star MVP twice, the American League MVP twice, won two gold gloves, had 3,000 hits, has a world series ring, and oh yeah, smashed the consecutive game streak. He also stayed after games, sometimes for hours signing autographs, funded the Ripken Reading Foundation, and now has invested in a stadium and little league series for children across the nation. What a bum.
The truth is, Jose’s light was a flash in the pan. One moment it was very bright, and then nothing. He wants that limelight back and he wants money. If you can’t do it by talent, then you may be able to do it out of spite and vindictiveness. In this case it looks like it’s going to work for him, as his book is on its way to being a bestseller. Oh well, I leave you with this:
If you see Jose Canseco trying out for your company softball team, make sure you got those titanium underpants on.
posted by AaronJLohr | 7:51 AM
2 Comments:
That was funny. Well worth the wait. Even the wait to figure out why I need titanium underpants. But how is his underhand?
Yes sorry for the delay with this one. I knew I wanted to write about Jose and his habit of injecting athletes with steroids in the rumpus region. I am sure sales of titanium underpants will soar. Invest now!! You heard it here first.
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