Wheel of Weather

Cable television sure sounded like a good idea. Give the people more choices. But what was once a blessing is now an oozing and crusted open sore upon our most sensitive of body parts. I have over 300 channels at my house and I swear most of the time there is nothing on. But one thing I can generally settle on is the Discovery Channel in high-definition. Nothing is more soothing to me. The deep blues of the ocean. The windswept ripples of the desert expanse. The bloody lump that once was a sickly gazelle being gnawed upon by starving-mad hyenas. I feel like I gain an insight into the culture of another land that is completely foreign to me, like Siberia or New Jersey. Just like the Discovery Channel, today’s blog will teach you about a peculiar routine in a foreign land: Washington, DC.

Winter happens every year, and in DC you never know what you are going to get. Some years we get slammed by snow storms, some years we get no snow at all, and some years we are completely overwhelmed by our underground carnivorous neighbors, the Morlocks. They spend a week harvesting the young and sickly, egg a few houses and vanish back into the ground. I don’t care much for them. The point is, Washington weather cannot be predicted. And yet we have weathermen, and people watch them and base decisions on what they say.

In some cities, satellites are used to forecast weather patterns for up to a week in the future. In Washington, DC weathermen have the Wheel of Weather. It is back stage at the CBS affiliate. Channel 9 weather guru Topper Shut gives it a good spin and patiently waits with pencil in hand. Click-click-click-click goes the wheel as it spins through its options: SUN/ SNOW/ RAIN/ WINTRY MIX/ MORLOCK/ ICE/ SUN/ SNOW/ RAIN/ WINTRY MIX/ MORLOCK/ ICE. And then they have their answer: MORLOCKS.

So then the news comes on.

ANCHOR WOMAN (“Mary”): …and now that Bunny and Panda our best friends. Isn’t that great Bob.
ANCHOR MAN (“Bob”): It sure is Mary. Much greater than our weather I hear. Let’s go to Topper in STORM CENTER 6 and find out what we can expect for tomorrow’s rush hour.

Topper: Thanks Bob. Well, you got it right. Today we had some sun and saw temperatures in the high fifties. Tomorrow a cold front will be rolling through and that’s going to lower temperatures to below seasonal averages, possibly stir up some flurries and usher in a Class 5 Morlock invasion. They will most likely emerge from man holes and subterranean metro stops and select some humans for consumption. After that, we’re looking at a, hold on a sec…
click-click-click-click, we’re looking at a wintry mix.

MARY: Thanks Topper, looks like Old Man Winter isn’t done with us yet. All schools have reported closing for tomorrow because of the wintry mix predictions. And the red and yellow lines will be closed due to the oncoming Morlock armies.

BOB: When we come back we’ll unveil a new hazard. Should H-2-O become H-2- “NO”. Scientists say water is now more deadly than fire. We’ll be right back.

Now in DC, when these ridiculous forecasts are made, citizens flock to the grocery store to load up on milk, bread and eggs. I guess we get a hankering for French Toast or something. If we get three inches of snow, schools will be cancelled for days, grocery stores will be empty and accidents will litter the beltway (even if the road was plowed). And because we’re so hyper-sensitive to snow, these forecasts are big news and can shape our lives for days. And the weathermen seriously have no idea. But because they're generally wrong, we know what isn’t going to happen. They’re calling for sun tomorrow here, so it may be a good idea to stay off the yellow and red lines. Trust me.