Martha Stewart: Unleashed!
We’ve had nearly a half-year of peace since hardened criminal Martha Stewart was indicted on charges of insider training and wagering on chicken-fights. This week she emerged from West Virginia’s Alderson Federal Prison Camp with a gleam in her eye and an intricate plan in her heart.
You probably remember Martha as a calm, soft-spoken woman who enjoys making wreaths and pies. How nice. Well prison can change a person. While inside, Stewart was known as Mad Martha for her proficiency with a sharpened tooth brush. Fellow inmates expected Martha to be a softy, and we’re more than surprised the day she showed up.
“When the guard closed the door and left us alone, the real Martha revealed herself,” said Cindy Jenkins, fellow inmate. “She rushed me and pressed me against the wall. I couldn’t move because she was holding a jagged piece of acorn or something against my throat. She told me to not even think about starting anything with her or she would gut me like a fish. You better believe I left her alone.”
Producers of her popular television series, “Martha Stewart Living” admit they already have seen some changes.
“We’re used to doing stories about impressing co-workers with stylish homespun handbags,” said producer Morty Wallace. “Now she’s talking about doing an episode on ‘shutting up the neighbor’s dog with a well-placed pine cone”.
Martha’s prison sentence has actually been a boon financially speaking. Her stock has nearly tripled in value since her first day in prison. It makes me wonder why we value Martha more after learning she wasn’t as clean as we thought she was. What if we discovered she had a few bodies buried in her back yard? Would we elect her to public office? Maybe, if they were bodies of ninjas or something.
And like most creepy/dangerous/ex-con celebrities, she has a nearly cult-like following. I cannot grasp the reason for this. Even before she was a criminal, she was slightly more boring than a ran-over possum. Then she commits a crime that is much less exciting than a ran-over possum holding up a bank, and she gains an even larger following. What is it about her?
Sherlock Holmes was known to say that whenever you have factually eliminated the probable, than what you are left with, no matter how unlikely, no matter how improbable, must be true. So the probable would be she is exciting and makes our lives more worthwhile. This is not true. So, what we have left is obviously some form of mind control. She’s proven her cleverness with her little trinkets, but the cleverest thing she has ever done, is convince the world she is as normal as a live possum.
Please, world, be careful. Her voice bounces off satellites and surrounds us at all times. At any moment she could seize us and fill us with an absurd desire to make homemade paints using berries and sour cream. So if you find yourself involved in a home improvement or cooking project that involves pipe cleaners, shells, or sharpened toothbrushes, fight against it. It’s not you, it’s Mad Martha. Thanks for listening. Now I’m off to weave a pot holder out of some pigeon feathers.
You probably remember Martha as a calm, soft-spoken woman who enjoys making wreaths and pies. How nice. Well prison can change a person. While inside, Stewart was known as Mad Martha for her proficiency with a sharpened tooth brush. Fellow inmates expected Martha to be a softy, and we’re more than surprised the day she showed up.
“When the guard closed the door and left us alone, the real Martha revealed herself,” said Cindy Jenkins, fellow inmate. “She rushed me and pressed me against the wall. I couldn’t move because she was holding a jagged piece of acorn or something against my throat. She told me to not even think about starting anything with her or she would gut me like a fish. You better believe I left her alone.”
Producers of her popular television series, “Martha Stewart Living” admit they already have seen some changes.
“We’re used to doing stories about impressing co-workers with stylish homespun handbags,” said producer Morty Wallace. “Now she’s talking about doing an episode on ‘shutting up the neighbor’s dog with a well-placed pine cone”.
Martha’s prison sentence has actually been a boon financially speaking. Her stock has nearly tripled in value since her first day in prison. It makes me wonder why we value Martha more after learning she wasn’t as clean as we thought she was. What if we discovered she had a few bodies buried in her back yard? Would we elect her to public office? Maybe, if they were bodies of ninjas or something.
And like most creepy/dangerous/ex-con celebrities, she has a nearly cult-like following. I cannot grasp the reason for this. Even before she was a criminal, she was slightly more boring than a ran-over possum. Then she commits a crime that is much less exciting than a ran-over possum holding up a bank, and she gains an even larger following. What is it about her?
Sherlock Holmes was known to say that whenever you have factually eliminated the probable, than what you are left with, no matter how unlikely, no matter how improbable, must be true. So the probable would be she is exciting and makes our lives more worthwhile. This is not true. So, what we have left is obviously some form of mind control. She’s proven her cleverness with her little trinkets, but the cleverest thing she has ever done, is convince the world she is as normal as a live possum.
Please, world, be careful. Her voice bounces off satellites and surrounds us at all times. At any moment she could seize us and fill us with an absurd desire to make homemade paints using berries and sour cream. So if you find yourself involved in a home improvement or cooking project that involves pipe cleaners, shells, or sharpened toothbrushes, fight against it. It’s not you, it’s Mad Martha. Thanks for listening. Now I’m off to weave a pot holder out of some pigeon feathers.
posted by AaronJLohr | 1:40 PM
2 Comments:
And I thought I was the only one to escape Martha's mind control. I've never liked her cleverly handmade bouquets or her crafty way serving cocoa from an antique ceramic teapot she refurbished with a pottery wheel and a kiln. She is evil. Pure evil....
Stay vigilant. While she was in prison we may have let our guard down a bit. But now she's back. If you find yourself wanting to go to a craft store for some popsicle sticks and pipe cleaners, talk to someone, get help.
Post a Comment
<< Home