Oops. Did I do that?
Living near Washington, DC, I’m surrounded by museums and art galleries containing some of the most priceless relics and masterpieces to grace our good earth. I find I really don’t think about these wonders that much until I find myself standing right in front of one, and then, I’m like, “Whoa, I would like to scribble a fart joke on there.”
I remember when my father took me to the Walters Art Gallery in Baltimore many years ago. Van Gogh’s Starry Night was on display at the time. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. And it was so close. I mean, I appreciate art and would never want to deface such a masterpiece. But just having that opportunity can be a bit of a temptation.
A visitor to a British museum recently found a way to enjoy the best of both worlds. He was at the top of a stairwell when he stumbled on his shoe lace. The next thing you know, he’s tumbling down the stairs and picking up speed. As he rolls off the last step, a whirling blur of arms and legs, he crashes into three Qing dynasty vases, dating from the late 17th or early 18th century, shattering them into very small pieces.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2006-01-30-museum-mishap_x.htm
I’m sure he felt terrible…mostly. But that small part that dwells inside all of us, that inner drive that yearns to break stuff must have been immensely satisfied. I mean it doesn’t get any better than that. We’re talking Qing vases here. Qing!! That’s like 20 Mings or 50 Yuans!
The last time I broke something nice was when I was in high school. We had to give speeches about how to do something. I gave a speech about how to make a grilled cheese sandwich using a “Grilled Cheese Sandwich Maker”. Now this is before the Foreman grill was popular. This sandwich maker was sweet. If you had one of these babies it was like living on the Jetsons. You just put the uncooked sandwich in this device and it would close around it and cook it to hot, gooey, perfection….mmm….
Well I gave my speech, and needless to say my classmates were in jaw-dropped awe. After many autographs and high fives the class ended and it was time to go home. Being a teen, I had no concept of real responsibility and just shoved the sandwich maker into my backpack. Before I got home that backpack jostled quite a bit, and when I opened it to make a luscious grilled cheese, I discovered that my wondrous machine had broken into several parts. I, like the sandwich maker, was crushed. The pain from that event matured me like nothing else could. I was finally a man.
Wait a second…this is nothing like breaking vases at all. It’s probably better to break something that isn’t yours. Another important factor is not going to jail. I saw Shawshank Redemption, and I’ll tell you what, I AM NOT EVER GOING TO JAIL.
Johnny Vase-Breaker gets away with it because it’s an accident. The museum’s official statement was “It was a most unfortunate and regrettable accident, but we are glad that the visitor involved was able to leave the museum unharmed.”
They probably wanted to say, “You gotta be kiddin’ me! Oh man! There’s like only 25 of those in the world. Why couldn’t he have fallen down the steps in the modern art exhibit? I mean that stuff was made last night by third-graders. Wah!!!”
You know who’s really going to be in trouble? The guy who thought it was a good idea to put ancient super-expensive vases at the bottom of a stairwell. Why not just put a slip-n-slide down those stairs? You’re asking for it.
Anyway, none of this would have happened if Americans wised up and purchased Velcro shoes. But no, we’re too cool for Velcro shoes. Well, pardon me, but the last time I checked, art* was cool too.
*but not modern art
I remember when my father took me to the Walters Art Gallery in Baltimore many years ago. Van Gogh’s Starry Night was on display at the time. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. And it was so close. I mean, I appreciate art and would never want to deface such a masterpiece. But just having that opportunity can be a bit of a temptation.
A visitor to a British museum recently found a way to enjoy the best of both worlds. He was at the top of a stairwell when he stumbled on his shoe lace. The next thing you know, he’s tumbling down the stairs and picking up speed. As he rolls off the last step, a whirling blur of arms and legs, he crashes into three Qing dynasty vases, dating from the late 17th or early 18th century, shattering them into very small pieces.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2006-01-30-museum-mishap_x.htm
I’m sure he felt terrible…mostly. But that small part that dwells inside all of us, that inner drive that yearns to break stuff must have been immensely satisfied. I mean it doesn’t get any better than that. We’re talking Qing vases here. Qing!! That’s like 20 Mings or 50 Yuans!
The last time I broke something nice was when I was in high school. We had to give speeches about how to do something. I gave a speech about how to make a grilled cheese sandwich using a “Grilled Cheese Sandwich Maker”. Now this is before the Foreman grill was popular. This sandwich maker was sweet. If you had one of these babies it was like living on the Jetsons. You just put the uncooked sandwich in this device and it would close around it and cook it to hot, gooey, perfection….mmm….
Well I gave my speech, and needless to say my classmates were in jaw-dropped awe. After many autographs and high fives the class ended and it was time to go home. Being a teen, I had no concept of real responsibility and just shoved the sandwich maker into my backpack. Before I got home that backpack jostled quite a bit, and when I opened it to make a luscious grilled cheese, I discovered that my wondrous machine had broken into several parts. I, like the sandwich maker, was crushed. The pain from that event matured me like nothing else could. I was finally a man.
Wait a second…this is nothing like breaking vases at all. It’s probably better to break something that isn’t yours. Another important factor is not going to jail. I saw Shawshank Redemption, and I’ll tell you what, I AM NOT EVER GOING TO JAIL.
Johnny Vase-Breaker gets away with it because it’s an accident. The museum’s official statement was “It was a most unfortunate and regrettable accident, but we are glad that the visitor involved was able to leave the museum unharmed.”
They probably wanted to say, “You gotta be kiddin’ me! Oh man! There’s like only 25 of those in the world. Why couldn’t he have fallen down the steps in the modern art exhibit? I mean that stuff was made last night by third-graders. Wah!!!”
You know who’s really going to be in trouble? The guy who thought it was a good idea to put ancient super-expensive vases at the bottom of a stairwell. Why not just put a slip-n-slide down those stairs? You’re asking for it.
Anyway, none of this would have happened if Americans wised up and purchased Velcro shoes. But no, we’re too cool for Velcro shoes. Well, pardon me, but the last time I checked, art* was cool too.
*but not modern art
posted by AaronJLohr | 11:36 AM
4 Comments:
I was in Amsterdam a few years ago and got to go to the Van Gogh Museum. It was wonderful. There was a modern art wing and it was ... different. There was more than one piece done with human waste. My favorite was a blue tool-box that looked like one you would get at Wal-Mart. It was called "Toolbox". Genius.
And we're thinking about different machines. You're thinking of the one that was square with a long handle. It would do one grilled cheese or one hamburger. The one I'm talking about is a rectangle and had room to do two grilled cheese or two flaky desserts. It could not do burgers at all. I'm also fairly certain that my grilled cheese maker was crafted by the Wizard Merlin in 64 A.D.
Some would argue Antonio Banderas was Merlin's greatest creation because he is a human being, and teriffic actor. But these people clearly have never had Chicken in a Biscuit crackers. I challenge anybody to eat just one of those.
They very well may have had such a diorama. I honestly have blocked some of those memories.
Hah! I remember the grilled cheese sandwich speech. It was definitiely one-upped by my how to make a paper fold-up fortune teller speach! Muhahahahahahahaha!
I remember that fortune teller speech. I'm pretty sure you made that up on the fly didn't you? I admit it was good...but everyone knows it's about the props. And there ain't no prop out there like the magical grilled cheese maker. If your fortune-teller worked, you'd know that.
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