New Jersey: You Got a Problem With That?

Earlier this year, my good friends and I went to New York to see a taping of Late Night with Conan O’Brien. We were so excited. We thought it better to spend the night outside of New York and just catch the train into the city. And thus set the wheels of fate in motion that would bring us into a land that we would never forget. It is a place whose name should not be spoken. Thankfully I can write it (just don’t read it out loud). The locals call it “Newark, New Jersey”. I won’t tell you what we called it.

Sure, we’ve all heard the stereotypes about New Jersey. The state is essentially a sprawling mass of chemical plants, smoke stacks, and fluorescent fluids that cause mutations of the most horrific kind. I’m not sure if all that is true, I mean I’m not sure that was smoke coming out of those stacks …

And yes there are a few pollutive plants, but there’s so much more. Like toll booths. There’s a lot of those. You can’t turn around without paying $1.25.

But seriously, I think the thing I remember most about New Jersey is how just plain scary it was. You see, we were staying at a motel near the Newark airport, and either they have a monumental crime rate or there are herds of man-eating sasquatch routinely rampaging through the community. Every window of every building was barred. I sent postcards from the motel and my parents thought I went to Alcatraz. We couldn’t even get into the motel because of the bullet-proof screen in front of the doors. We had to press a call button to converse with someone before they let us in the building.

Those who live in New Jersey or have family there may think differently about the Garden State, but I doubt it. In fact, the state has such a bad reputation that the local government held a contest to pick a new state slogan. http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/12/come.see.ap/

Among the entries were:
New Jersey: You Got a Problem With That? (no sir…whimper)
New Jersey: The Best Kept Secret (rampaging herds of sasquatch)
New Jersey: Love at First Sight (I love green skies)

And the winner was: New Jersey: Come See For Yourself.

Umm…is this really a good slogan?

Here’s what a typical call at the New Jersey Tourism Office will go like

Ring ring

Tourism Office: Yo. Dis is Leonard at da Joy-zee Tourism office.
Tourist: Yes, um, my family and I are planning a trip to NY and we were thinking about staying in NJ because it seems to be a lot cheaper.
Leonard: Yeah?
Tourist: Umm…yeah. And so I’m just a little concerned because I read this thing about green skies, high crime, and something about sasquatch. I was hoping you could alleviate my fears and tell me something good.
Leonard: Why don’t you come see for yourself knucklehead.

This is one of the best bluffs ever. They don’t deny anything, they just say, “Come see for yourself”. And if you go, you will.

Here are some much better slogans:

New Jersey: Relax in the Garden State
New Jersey: Land of Discovery
New Jersey: Beware the Sasquatch

Anyway, I’m sure New Jersey has some good areas. New Jersey should not be judged on the basis of Newark. I went to the NJ tourism site and found that visitors can enjoy beautiful beaches, golfing, camping, wineries and lighthouses. That sure sounds nice. And let’s not forget Atlantic City.

A little more research found something else. And I’m not joking either. Have you ever heard of the New Jersey Devil? http://www.strangemag.com/jerseydevil1.html

Apparently this thing has the head of a horse, large wings and claws and a serpentine body. And guess what, it eats children. But please don’t take my word for it. Come See For Yourself!