I Used to Like School Lunch

When I was in high school, there was one time of day that brought both the highest highs and the lowest lows. We called it “lunch”. To slap such a generic term on such a volatile and life-altering period is misleading at best and a woeful crime at worst.

The things I’ve seen. I remember watching John Baroney walking with a paper clip purposefully toward the stage. I was gnawing on a lunch roll, when to my amazement and amusement he unfolded the paper clip and jammed it in an electrical socket. He flew back several feet in a cloud of sparks and had to be escorted to the nurse. Physics lab was never that much fun.

Then there was my friend Tom. He was new to our school so I invited him to sit with me and my friends (something my friends remind me of to this day). Tom had a special way of making friends. You and I would probably introduce ourselves and try just to have a normal conversation. Well, Tom was more direct. He would take his cup of applesauce and then, much like a catapult, launch it high in the air towards a distant crowded lunch table. Such a throw would often be accompanied by a cry of “Bombs Away!” or “Fire in the Hole!” He would then follow this up with loud and uncontrollable laughter. Not too many people liked Tom.

Lunch was the time where friendships were formed and bitter enemies were made. You never knew what would happen, but you could always count on one thing, really greasy food with green beans and vanilla pudding.

But you can’t even count on that anymore. I read recently that one high school has opened the first ever vegetarian line. A moment of silence please…

…

Okay. I’ve tried to see the rationale behind this but I can’t. When someone launches a sloppy joe at these kids, what are they going to do? Ball up a piece of lettuce and give it a good heave? It just doesn’t make sense.

Everyone knows the best lunch is the rectangle pizza with sausage or pepperoni bits. Mmmmm….I could sure go for like ten of those right now. A lunch like that could really get me pumped for the rest of the day. I learned so much those days. I could see time and space. I could remember historical dates and names like they were my favorite baseball players. I pitied the children who packed their lunch. Fruitsnacks…juiceboxes…peanut butter and jelly…ugh. They seemed so weak and fragile, and I knew if I thought about them too hard their minds would snap like twigs. So I ignored them best I could.

These veggie-loving kids get to eat noodles, carrots, beans, and tofu sloppy joes. How can we expect to leave no child behind with a menu like this? I suppose if these items were deep fried or had a ladle of greased poured over them, that perhaps these children could still pass standardized tests.

Everyone knows Thomas Edison ate sausage with every meal accompanied by a tall glass of the leftover grease. And that man was a GENIUS. After downing a glass of pure sausage grease he would make wild remarks about how awesome he was and then invent the phonograph or something.

Thomas Jefferson would suck on bacon strips like they were sugar daddies. And then, while the grease would trickle down his chin, he would do push ups and then stare in the mirror while he beat his chest. Afterward he would pen the Declaration of Independence or whatever.

So please, write a letter to your local schools and tell them you’re concerned that a lack of grease will keep the children from having the superiority complex and blind arrogance necessary to succeed. Won’t someone think about the children?!