Bison Too Easy To Shoot

Montana’s first bison hunt in fifteen years opened at sunrise today, with the first buffalo being bagged within 90 minutes by a student skipping school. Ironically, the class lesson he missed was entitled “Bison and Vengeful Spirits: Hunting and Haunting”.

Many Americans, including myself, were surprised to learn that State and federal officials okayed a hunt of an animal which was seeing its first healthy population numbers since they were HELLO!! HUNTED TO NEAR EXTINCTION!

Officials were concerned that the bison population (4,900 animals) has grown too large. Montana legislators fear the land cannot support that many bison, farmers fear that some diseased bison could spread illness to cattle, and bison fear getting shot to death.

But many of us know the secret truth underlying this controversial topic. Bison are just too easy to shoot. Think about it. They’re big, slow, and pose little physical threat. Some hunters claim the bison actually ask to be shot, though there is little evidence to back this up.

You may disagree, but let’s look a little deeper. Have you ever come along a rock that was just the perfect size for throwing? It fits well in your hand, has a nice density. Sure you have. You probably have thrown such rocks in streams. Some of you maybe even throw them at windows. Now why would you do that? It’s probably because you’re a natural criminal and have a predisposition to vandalism. But it could also be because you love to see the effects of what you can do. The plop in the water, all the ripples, that fish that comes floating to the top. You love it.

Well let’s say instead of a rock, you had a rifle. And instead of being near water, you’re on the prairie. Now what? Wait what’s that over there? What’s that brown furry lazy animal doin’ nothing but chewing grass and being huge? It’s all like, “Hey dude with the gun, why don’t you give it a try. I’m not going anywhere.”

What would you do? Oh sure, some of you very righteous people might say you’d just turn the gun on a prairie dog, but the truth is, you’d probably take that shot at the buffalo, just to feel that power surge. Oh yeah, you’re a mighty man or woman for taking down that shaggy stump.

So what are we to do? I have an answer. Basically, everyone is going to shoot a bison upon spotting them. It’s our nature. So the trick is to ensure they don’t get spotted. Let’s turn those bison weaknesses into strengths. If they’re pretty much motionless, let’s throw a camouflage tarp over them. Just poke in a few air holes. Bison? I don’t see any bison. There are plenty of prairie dogs though…