Governor…of the Night
What is happening to politics in America? I know many politicians are believed to be corrupt, over-ambitious, or just plain evil, but has it gotten so bad that we’re willing to put a real bloodsucker in office?
I mean we’ve seen bad action movie stars and professional wrestlers elected to office in recent years, but are you ready for a real vampire? Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey hopes you’ll help him be the next governor of Minnesota. http://www.startribune.com/587/story/178289.html
Apparently the self-described “Satanic Dark Priest” is running on the popular “Vampyres, Witches, and Pagans” ticket. I guess they finally gave up on Grandpa Munster.
So what does he stand for? Sharkey supports small government, massive political reforms, and impalement. For those of you who don’t know what impalement is, find out for yourself. It’s particularly nasty and I get woozy just thinking about it (like when I see an ad for ‘Skating with Celebrities’…is Bruce Jenner really still a celebrity?).
…
Where was I? Ah, yes. So who would be eligible for impalements? Sharkey’s list includes terrorists, drug dealers, and repeat drunken drivers. So basically, extremists and professional athletes.
I think now is a good time for a history lesson. Sharkey isn’t the first politician to advocate impalement for trouble-makers. Once upon a time in a land called Wallachia, lived a young prince named Vlad III…a.k.a. Vlad the Impaler…a.k.a..Dracula….a.k.a…AHHH!!! Run for your lives!! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vlad_III
Anyway, Dracula was one mean dude. He liked impalement like I like pizza. Mmm…pizza… You see what I mean?
And sure the people were scared to death of him and so behaved well, but once his rival, the Hungarians, got an upper hand on Vlad, his people turned on him immediately. Sure the descendants of those Hungarians are continuously hunted by the immortal bloodsucker and his undead minions, but the point is, the system just didn’t work.
I did a little survey of my own and found that the following issues are what people look for in a candidate:
Lower Taxes: 54%
Ethical: 20%
Pleasant Smelling: 15%
Strong Impalement Policy: 10%
Knowledge of the Issues: 1%
So as you see, impalement policies are a distant fourth when it comes to what matters in a candidate. Sharkey should focus more on switching to Herbal Essence products. Mmmm…pizza.
Man, I’m hungry. Anyway, don’t think of this as just a Minnesota problem. Yes, they have a pro-wrestler governor now. And yes they may have a vampire governor in the near future. And yes, ten years from now they’ll likely elect a carton of cigarettes to be their leader. But this problem is about to go national. Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey has filed to run for President in 2008. The Democrats are countering with the Wolfman and the Republicans are rallying around Dick Cheney. Which monster from childhood imagination will win? Only time will tell…
I mean we’ve seen bad action movie stars and professional wrestlers elected to office in recent years, but are you ready for a real vampire? Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey hopes you’ll help him be the next governor of Minnesota. http://www.startribune.com/587/story/178289.html
Apparently the self-described “Satanic Dark Priest” is running on the popular “Vampyres, Witches, and Pagans” ticket. I guess they finally gave up on Grandpa Munster.
So what does he stand for? Sharkey supports small government, massive political reforms, and impalement. For those of you who don’t know what impalement is, find out for yourself. It’s particularly nasty and I get woozy just thinking about it (like when I see an ad for ‘Skating with Celebrities’…is Bruce Jenner really still a celebrity?).
…
Where was I? Ah, yes. So who would be eligible for impalements? Sharkey’s list includes terrorists, drug dealers, and repeat drunken drivers. So basically, extremists and professional athletes.
I think now is a good time for a history lesson. Sharkey isn’t the first politician to advocate impalement for trouble-makers. Once upon a time in a land called Wallachia, lived a young prince named Vlad III…a.k.a. Vlad the Impaler…a.k.a..Dracula….a.k.a…AHHH!!! Run for your lives!! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vlad_III
Anyway, Dracula was one mean dude. He liked impalement like I like pizza. Mmm…pizza… You see what I mean?
And sure the people were scared to death of him and so behaved well, but once his rival, the Hungarians, got an upper hand on Vlad, his people turned on him immediately. Sure the descendants of those Hungarians are continuously hunted by the immortal bloodsucker and his undead minions, but the point is, the system just didn’t work.
I did a little survey of my own and found that the following issues are what people look for in a candidate:
Lower Taxes: 54%
Ethical: 20%
Pleasant Smelling: 15%
Strong Impalement Policy: 10%
Knowledge of the Issues: 1%
So as you see, impalement policies are a distant fourth when it comes to what matters in a candidate. Sharkey should focus more on switching to Herbal Essence products. Mmmm…pizza.
Man, I’m hungry. Anyway, don’t think of this as just a Minnesota problem. Yes, they have a pro-wrestler governor now. And yes they may have a vampire governor in the near future. And yes, ten years from now they’ll likely elect a carton of cigarettes to be their leader. But this problem is about to go national. Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey has filed to run for President in 2008. The Democrats are countering with the Wolfman and the Republicans are rallying around Dick Cheney. Which monster from childhood imagination will win? Only time will tell…
posted by AaronJLohr | 7:39 AM
4 Comments:
Ha! Ha! Ha!
So, the Republicans already have an undead in the White House?
I'm surprised that the Dems aren't going with Hillary the Witch.
(all comments made in joking manner)
Who said they aren't? (question made in joking manner)
But seriously, who says they aren't?
I think she'll probably win. You know why? The potent combination of Illuminati and potions. Tough to beat.
I read up on this guy and found out where he stands on a few other topics:
Gun rights: Firearms are okay, stakes now require a permit.
Environment: Holy Water is a toxic substance to be regulated by the EPA.
Drugs: All garlic purchases will require a prescription.
Religion: Ten Commandments are okay for public display; Crucifixes are out, though.
Oh, and all press conferences will now be held after sundown.
Thanks for the info James. I knew this was on his Web site, but I'm not going back there again...ever. The horror.
Oh and this just in. Sharkey has been arrested. The charges are escape and stalking. http://wcco.com/topstories/local_story_031105113.html
I don't think these are impalable crimes...
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