Science Proves T-Rex Superior to David Beckham

People sure do love their sports, especially here in Washington, DC, home of the Washington Redskins. For those of you who follow football, you know the Redskins have fallen on hard times in recent years. Success has been hard to grasp, although there are reports that the backup punter successfully parallel parked at camp the other day. I’ll believe it when I see a picture.

If the Skins could dominate opposing teams like they dominate the coverage on local news, they could build a new stadium out of Super Bowl trophies. I just don’t get it. It’s ridiculous. Here’s a sample:

Anchor: It’s been a busy day in the news world. More violence in Iraq, confirmed cases of West Nile Virus, and of course the approaching alien invasion fleet is just passing Saturn. But first, with Redskins training camp only two months away, we’ve sent on-the-spot reporter Dippy O’Dumdum to interview a poster of Redskins backup punter Jackson Chickenlegs.

Dippy: Jackson, what can we expect out of the Redskins this year?

Poster of Chickenlegs: …

Dippy: Umm…do you think the recent additions to the starting defense will be effective in shutting down the running game this year?

Poster: …

Dippy: We hear you’ve been training under a new coach to improve your parallel parking skills. Are you making process?

Poster: …(sounds of garbled static which then clears to robotic voice)…Attention Roundskulls…Our fleets are nearly in position. Surrender now and your primitive species will not be vaporized.

Dippy: …

Anchor: Excellent interview as always Dippy. Jackson was a little more talkative today. When we come back, Topper will tell us when these clouds will move on and we’ll finally see Mr. Sun.

Don’t get me wrong, I love sports, but sometimes I think they are elevated a bit much in the public interest. David Beckham recently came to America to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy and it created quite the uproar throughout the world. Beckham started his career in England for a team called Manchester United. And I don’t think they ever got over losing him.

A headline on CNN regarding a study from paleontologists from the University of Manchester reads: “Study: T-Rex Could Outrun David Beckham”.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/08/22/
dinosaur.speed.reut/index.html

It almost sounds like a personal dig. Here’s the quote from lead researcher Phil Manning.

“Our research, which used the minimum leg-muscle mass T-Rex required for movement, suggests that while not incredibly fast, this carnivore was certainly capable of running and would have little difficulty in chasing down footballer David Beckham, for instance.”

Wow. He went on to say that the T-Rex could also easily catch and devour his mother-in-law. “She wouldn’t stand a chance against the ancient beast, no matter how much shame she tried to heap on it.”

Other scientists say more tests are needed before these conclusions could be taken as fact.

Dr. Marcus Gilliard, Manning’s undergrad professor, says, “I’m not sure how I feel about this study. When Manning was in my class I caught him doodling a picture of a T-Rex coming out of a cloning machine and tearing me to shreds.”

In reponse Manning said, “Go on and doubt. We’ll see how smug he is when my baby rips through his very bones!”

Thankfully dinosaurs have been proven to be extinct for quite some time, so it’s not like we need to start exercising or anything like that. However, should David Beckham disappear and be replaced by a puddle of bloody goo in a giant footprint, I would advise Dr. Gilliard to work on his leg presses.