Slugs...why did it have to be slugs?

Last year, the wife and I purchased our first home. It's not an easy process. There are so many homes to look at and then when you find one you like you have to negotiate, do the paperwork, and of course the customary trial by the seven circles of death.

Fortunately my wife is an excellent javelin thrower, so the third circle was a breeze. I had some difficulty with the seventh circle. Who knew gorillas were so strong or adept with a hockey stick? Remax, that's who. They've clearly done their research.

Anyway, when we were looking for homes we went online and looked at countless listings. Every seller does their best to make their home seem perfect. Back deck overlooks to evergreen forest. Hot tub seats four and has access to wet bar. Swimming pool now mainly toad-free.

This is all fine and good, but it would be much more helpful for a buyer if the seller listed all the faults. Basement leaks. Termites munching on the floorboards. Creepy old crone in the attic swears like a sailor.

Of course they don't list these things. They do want you to buy the house after all. So new homeowners will generally always be in for a surprise. Despite our home inspection we found that the basement does leak, birds nest in every possible nook and cranny, and our front walkway is the home of a race of giant slugs.

I kid you not. Every day I come home I can see the reflection of the sun off their nasty sticky slug trails. From my expert tracking skills, I'd say there's about a hundred of them. They get drunk and then play freeze tag on our front step. One of them is really good, and if I'm not mistaken, it's also pregnant ... two weeks ... and will have twins.

The other night I came home and when I went to open the door I caught something out of the corner of my eye. Sure enough, climbing up the wall by the front door was a slug the size of my fist. It demanded I pay toll, but I reminded it that it was the size of my fist. We have an uneasy truce right now. I let it live and it helps me with the bird problem. That guy can pack sparrows away like a champ.

The slugs are tough but it could be worse. A recent story from BBC News says folks in Wales have their own slug problem. But it's a whole lot creepier.

In their garden they got these newly discovered slugs called ghost slugs. What sets them apart? Well besides being huge and pale as a ghost, the ghost slug is "carnivorous and kills earthworms at night with powerful, blade-like teeth, sucking them in like spaghetti."

Oh...my...goodness. I think I'm going to be sick. I mean, look at this thing.

I think that dark spot in its belly is like a big ball of earthworms it's sucked up. Either that or a labradoodle.

This is the kind of creature that inspired those old terrible horror films like Attack of the Giant Gila Monster or Three Men and a Baby.

I can see it now ...

SCENE 1: Timmy, David, Maggie, and the Mighty Thor are spending their summer break from high school camping in the mountains. They are deep in the woods hiking one day when they come across a large cave.

David: Wow, look at the size of this cave. There's probably a whole system of caverns and stuff in there. Let's go check it out!

Timmy: I don't know David. There could be bears in there.

David: What is it with you and bears David! I'm getting sick of this.

Maggie: Yeah, David. You've got to get over this bear thing. You're letting them control your life. You wouldn't even use the outhouse back at the campground because of bears. A bear couldn't even fit in there.

Timmy: What about a koala bear?

Thor: Koalas are marsupials, not bears. It's a common misconception. I say we verily set forth into yonder cave in the spirit of adventure.

David and Maggie: Yeah!

SCENE 2: The group enters the cave and their excitement starts to turn to fear as it grows darker and darker. Timmy, David, and Maggie want to turn back but fear angering Thor who has a reputation for treating cowardice most harshly.

Maggie: It sure is getting darker.

Timmy: Sure is.

David: Yup.

Thor (stopping and looking over his shoulder at the others): You aren't ... frightened are you?

Maggie: No way.

David: Not me.

Timmy: I like the dark. It lets me use my imagination to see things that hopefully aren't there.

Thor: Excellent. I think we're coming up on a sharp turn and ...eww what sort of villainy is this?Something sticky.

Timmy: Is it a bear?

Maggie and David: Shut up!

Thor: I shall use my mighty warhammer Mjolnir to conjure some illumination.

David: Why didn't he do that before?

(Thor waves his hammer around and it glow faintly revealing a giant ghost slug not even 20 yards away)

Maggie screams.

David screams.

Timmy: That doesn't look so bad.

Thor: This foul beast will taste the steel of Mjolnir!

(Thor hurls his hammer at the creature and watches it disappear into its gooey center)

Thor: Umm...

(The creature charges at Timmy bearing its razor blade like teeth)

Maggie: Do something Thor!

(Thor reaches out his arm and calls for his hammer. The slug stops its charge as the force of the hammer tries to pull it back. It turns around and charges Thor crashing into him and enveloping him. Thor manages to grab his hammer and begins to swing it in circles like a cieling fan. The slug lurches from side to side as Thor spins faster and faster. Suddenly the force of the hammer becomes too great and the slug bursts like an overipe watermelon)

Thor: You are defeated evil creature!

David: Nice going Thor.

Maggie (covered in slug drippings): This is so gross.

Timmy: It kinda tastes like Sour Patch Kids.

All laugh

End.