Darth Vader Embarrasses Self, Human Race
You know all the best movies had great villains. Who'd want to watch the Wizard of Oz without the Wicked Witch? Or how about Jaws without ... Jaws.
I actually think any movie would be better if Jaws was in it. I'm not saying The Little Mermaid isn't a good movie, but if Jaws was in it guess what ... best movie ever. I can see it now... that touching scence with the lobster singing kiss the girl, while the girl and the prince are in the little boat. And then this fin swims by and the boat gets toppled and ... well...a memorable scence indeed.
Most film afficianados would likely agree that the best movie villain of all time is probably Arnold Schwarzenegger's brilliant turn as Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin. Only the deep anguish that accompanies the loss of a loved spouse could inspire his chilling dialogue. Consider the following if you dare...
"I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy."
The chanelling of his torment into such unfeeling violence is both believable and unsettling.
"If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It's time to feast!"
If there were an academy award for smack-talking, this would be your winner.
"Let's kick some ice!"
Umm...well it's clever because ice kinda sounds like something else, so ... yeah
"Ice to see you"
Well that's pretty terrible. It actually makes my stomach hurt as if I had a glass of year-old milk.
"Cool party"
Man this movie sucked sewage. I hope whatever chimpanzee wrote the script has been punished accordingly. No smokes for a year!
So let's try this again. Most folks would agree that Darth Vader is one of the most memorable villains ever to hit the big screen. He was a ruthless killer who combined both heartlessness and cool calculating rage.
I always thought that if a villain like Darth Vader somehow jumped off the silver screen into the real world, we'd all be in for a world of pain (especially if it was Jaws and he like landed on your head).
But now I'm not so sure. The associated press reported on a story out of Wales that shows just how unexciting and actually sad a Vader attack would be in the present time.
Let's take this story apart piece by piece.
1. A man dressed up as Darth Vader wearing a garbage bag for a cape.
I think this might have been the full extent of his costume. If he did not actually shout out "Darth Vader" as he attacked, he'd probably be referred to as Garbage Bag Man or Crazy Drunk Guy.
2. He attacked a jedi church.
This makes me want to cry. Seriously, you nerds scare me. Some guy named Barney Jones founded a jedi church and his jedi name is Master Jonba Hehol. Like we don't have enough religions on this planet. I would not have wanted to sit next to this guy in the theater when he first had his revelation. "Yes! It all makes sense now. There's a great balance between good and evil and dad doesn't talk to me because he's probably a sith lord. Man Princess Leia is hot! I love linux and can recite the words to every Monty Python film!"
And why do you need a crazy jedi name. When Luke Skywalker became a jedi, he was still Luke wasn't he? It's not like Yoda used to be a guy named William Sullivan and then one day he was like "This economy is really heading for a dip. Forget this stock trading job. I found the force. Yoda my name is now. Yess.. Mee hee ha hee haaa."
3. The guy who dressed up like Vader said he doesn't remember the attack because he drunk the better part of a 2 and a half gallon box of wine beforehand.
Hahahahaha!!! Hahahahahah!!! HAAA!! Hahaha!! This is the best. This guy drank a big box of wine, put on a garbage bag, ran into the jedi church and yelled "Darth Vader! Jedis!"
He hits one guy on the head with a metal crutch and whacks another guy on his leg. I don't know why the jedis didn't use their force power to protect themselves. Probably because it's all fake. But anyway, there isn't a better time to take out your arch enemy than after they've downed a whole box of wine. I can see Vader in the corner trying to choke a houseplant to death. "You've failed me for the last time geranium! hiccup!"
Anyway, "Darth" is looking at jail time and the Jedis have their own sort of life sentence. So what's the lesson here? Boxed wine is for sipping. Seriously, two and a half gallons of any liquid could kill a yak.
Bonus blog
Transcript of a phone call between William Sullivan (Yoda) and one of his clients
Ring ring ... ring ring...
Yoda: Pressed to ear phone is yessss, mmmm heee,
Brad Wilson: Hi William. Look I've heard some things and I'd like to sell my shares in Apple.
Yoda: Good apples are. Buy them from you I would.
Brad: But the value is shrinking.
Yoda: Judge me by my size do you?
Brad: Well no. I don't think I've ever actually seen you. I think I'm just ready for something new.
Yoda: Ready are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained Jedi.
Brad: What? Look, my insider is my father and he assures me the stock is going to tank.
Yoda: Ahh, father. Powerful Jedi was he. Powerful Jedi.
Brad: I don't think my dad was a jedi, but he's got his fingers on the pulse of the stock market. Do you have any contacts like that?
Yoda: Good relations with the Wookies I have.
Brad: And what do they say?
Yoda: The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is.
Brad: William, why are you talking like this?
Yoda: No, no, there is no why. Nothing more will I teach you today. Clear your mind of questions.
Brad: I don't understand.
Yoda: That is why you fail.
Brad: Alright, I'll try to understand.
Yoda: No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.
Brad: Umm...look this is a bit much. I got to go.
Yoda: You must not go!
Brad: Well my kids are screamin'. One of them probably fell out of their chair or something so ..
Obi-Wan: You don't know that. Even Yoda cannot see their fate.
Brad: Who's that? And what's a Yoda?
Yoda: I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.
Obi Wan: He will learn patience.
Yoda: Much anger in him, like his father.
Brad: You don't know my father. Forget this. I'll find someone else to sell my shares. (hangs up)
Yoda: Begun, this clone wars has.
I actually think any movie would be better if Jaws was in it. I'm not saying The Little Mermaid isn't a good movie, but if Jaws was in it guess what ... best movie ever. I can see it now... that touching scence with the lobster singing kiss the girl, while the girl and the prince are in the little boat. And then this fin swims by and the boat gets toppled and ... well...a memorable scence indeed.
Most film afficianados would likely agree that the best movie villain of all time is probably Arnold Schwarzenegger's brilliant turn as Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin. Only the deep anguish that accompanies the loss of a loved spouse could inspire his chilling dialogue. Consider the following if you dare...
"I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy."
The chanelling of his torment into such unfeeling violence is both believable and unsettling.
"If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It's time to feast!"
If there were an academy award for smack-talking, this would be your winner.
"Let's kick some ice!"
Umm...well it's clever because ice kinda sounds like something else, so ... yeah
"Ice to see you"
Well that's pretty terrible. It actually makes my stomach hurt as if I had a glass of year-old milk.
"Cool party"
Man this movie sucked sewage. I hope whatever chimpanzee wrote the script has been punished accordingly. No smokes for a year!
So let's try this again. Most folks would agree that Darth Vader is one of the most memorable villains ever to hit the big screen. He was a ruthless killer who combined both heartlessness and cool calculating rage.
I always thought that if a villain like Darth Vader somehow jumped off the silver screen into the real world, we'd all be in for a world of pain (especially if it was Jaws and he like landed on your head).
But now I'm not so sure. The associated press reported on a story out of Wales that shows just how unexciting and actually sad a Vader attack would be in the present time.
Let's take this story apart piece by piece.
1. A man dressed up as Darth Vader wearing a garbage bag for a cape.
I think this might have been the full extent of his costume. If he did not actually shout out "Darth Vader" as he attacked, he'd probably be referred to as Garbage Bag Man or Crazy Drunk Guy.
2. He attacked a jedi church.
This makes me want to cry. Seriously, you nerds scare me. Some guy named Barney Jones founded a jedi church and his jedi name is Master Jonba Hehol. Like we don't have enough religions on this planet. I would not have wanted to sit next to this guy in the theater when he first had his revelation. "Yes! It all makes sense now. There's a great balance between good and evil and dad doesn't talk to me because he's probably a sith lord. Man Princess Leia is hot! I love linux and can recite the words to every Monty Python film!"
And why do you need a crazy jedi name. When Luke Skywalker became a jedi, he was still Luke wasn't he? It's not like Yoda used to be a guy named William Sullivan and then one day he was like "This economy is really heading for a dip. Forget this stock trading job. I found the force. Yoda my name is now. Yess.. Mee hee ha hee haaa."
3. The guy who dressed up like Vader said he doesn't remember the attack because he drunk the better part of a 2 and a half gallon box of wine beforehand.
Hahahahaha!!! Hahahahahah!!! HAAA!! Hahaha!! This is the best. This guy drank a big box of wine, put on a garbage bag, ran into the jedi church and yelled "Darth Vader! Jedis!"
He hits one guy on the head with a metal crutch and whacks another guy on his leg. I don't know why the jedis didn't use their force power to protect themselves. Probably because it's all fake. But anyway, there isn't a better time to take out your arch enemy than after they've downed a whole box of wine. I can see Vader in the corner trying to choke a houseplant to death. "You've failed me for the last time geranium! hiccup!"
Anyway, "Darth" is looking at jail time and the Jedis have their own sort of life sentence. So what's the lesson here? Boxed wine is for sipping. Seriously, two and a half gallons of any liquid could kill a yak.
Bonus blog
Transcript of a phone call between William Sullivan (Yoda) and one of his clients
Ring ring ... ring ring...
Yoda: Pressed to ear phone is yessss, mmmm heee,
Brad Wilson: Hi William. Look I've heard some things and I'd like to sell my shares in Apple.
Yoda: Good apples are. Buy them from you I would.
Brad: But the value is shrinking.
Yoda: Judge me by my size do you?
Brad: Well no. I don't think I've ever actually seen you. I think I'm just ready for something new.
Yoda: Ready are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained Jedi.
Brad: What? Look, my insider is my father and he assures me the stock is going to tank.
Yoda: Ahh, father. Powerful Jedi was he. Powerful Jedi.
Brad: I don't think my dad was a jedi, but he's got his fingers on the pulse of the stock market. Do you have any contacts like that?
Yoda: Good relations with the Wookies I have.
Brad: And what do they say?
Yoda: The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is.
Brad: William, why are you talking like this?
Yoda: No, no, there is no why. Nothing more will I teach you today. Clear your mind of questions.
Brad: I don't understand.
Yoda: That is why you fail.
Brad: Alright, I'll try to understand.
Yoda: No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.
Brad: Umm...look this is a bit much. I got to go.
Yoda: You must not go!
Brad: Well my kids are screamin'. One of them probably fell out of their chair or something so ..
Obi-Wan: You don't know that. Even Yoda cannot see their fate.
Brad: Who's that? And what's a Yoda?
Yoda: I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.
Obi Wan: He will learn patience.
Yoda: Much anger in him, like his father.
Brad: You don't know my father. Forget this. I'll find someone else to sell my shares. (hangs up)
Yoda: Begun, this clone wars has.
posted by AaronJLohr | 8:36 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home