Must...eat...celery

I don't like mushrooms. In fact, I confess I sometimes judge people who claim to like them. I think to myself, "They don't really love them. How could they? So just who are they trying to impress?" But then I think, perhaps they had a traumatic experience as a child, like being attacked by a giant mushroom, and this is simply their way of striking back. And you know what happens then? My cold critical heart melts with compassion...those poor, poor mushroom-lovers.

And though I believe people who enjoy mushrooms are freakish oddities, I admit I can identify with them a bit (a nearly insignificant bit mind you). You see, I love scrapple. Just the other day I was out with friends having breakfast at our local Amish market and when I ordered scrapple, a heavy silence fell over my companions. I looked up from my menu and found them all staring at me, their faces twisted in varying visages of disgust mingled with horror.

After this uncomfortable silence, one girl managed to overcome her revulsion enough to ask me a question.

"Do you know what scrapple is made of?" she asked.
I thought for a few moments before I replied, "Mostly pig, I think. Probably the runnier bits."

This answer did not seem to relieve her concerns. She assured me that scrapple likely came from whatever was mopped off the butcher's floor as if that were a troubling thought. If scrapple came off the floor of a movie theater, then I'd be concerned. But the bottom line is: scrapple tastes good and that's all I need to know.

I know that sounds silly to some degree, but judge not lest ye too be judged. Do you know what's in your favorite foods? What's in Big Macs, or Chicken-in-a-Biscuit crackers, or monkey kabobs? Not many know for certain, but most folks would say probably some monkey.

The problem with food these days is science. We keep finding ways to make food more delicious, but in doing so we introduce chemicals and monkey bits that have no business being in our diet. Our food doesn't need MSG or high-fructose monkey syrup. Those things are just their for flavoring and to quell the great monkey uprising. But that flavoring is so wonderful that we turn our noses up at the simple foods that have been here all the time--foods like fruits, vegetables and lighlty fried smashed pig parts.

It's no wonder our nation is mired in an obesity epidemic. Who wants to eat fruit when we can have sugar-laden fruit snacks? Who wants grilled fish when we can eat them in fried stick form and dip them in creamy mayo-based sauces? And who wants monkey ale? Get yer monkey ale here! Monkey Ale!! Last call!!

Produce companies know they are losing the battle and need to do something drastic. One such company in Florida believes the answer lies in color. They suggest that we don't eat celery because it is green, a much hated color when it comes to food. Their solution is to make celery red. Duda Farm Fresh Foods says the new red celery will titillate the eye and provide a colorful crunch to salads.

I have two thoughts on that matter. First, if they really wanted to turn celery into a color that people love eating, they should have chosen brown. Think about your favorite foods: burgers, meatloaf, fried onion rings, peanut butter, chocolate and monkey-paw flapjacks. They are all brown. I would even submit that brown M&Ms are by far the tastiest.

My second thought: Who chooses red?? Salad already has a red. It's called bacon. I visited Duda Farm Fresh Foods' Web site to investigate. In a press release leading up to their announcement about this new red celery I found the following quote:

“We are so excited to unveil our ‘red-hot’ secret,” said Rick Alcocer, vice president of sales for Duda Farm Fresh Foods. “Many of our customers and fellow growers are curious about the October 16th unveiling. We are looking forward to turning heads and capturing the attention of our customers, the trade media and ultimately consumers to our new red secret.”

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like these folks get really excited about the color red. Nothing from their site suggests ties to communism, so that leaves one final scary probability: their new red secret has nothing to do with celery and everything to do with vampirism.

It all makes sense. I bet vampires hate this obesity epidemic more than anyone. Who knows what you're ingesting when you bite into an American these days? Sure it's easier to catch us than ever, but who wants the indigestion that follows? This red celery idea is nothing more than a vampire ploy to cleanse our systems and it won't work. Instead of turning celery red, they really need to make celery taste like barbecue spare ribs. When that happens, then and only then, will I be able to get my cat to eat celery.