The Joy of Deer-Calling
Last night, millions of Americans huddled around the glow of their televisions to witness a spectacle beyond all spectacles. I am speaking of course about the Super Bowl halftime show featuring the Black-Eyed Peas (will.i.am, Fergie and the two other guys). The show had it all. Celebrities dropping in from the sky? Check. An army of clones with Christmas-light suits? Yup! An old rocker disproving reports of his death? Sure did! It even had the familiar atmosphere of awkward embarrassment and failure that accompany every halftime production. In a word it was gripping. In two words, it was truely painful.
But there's really no other way. The Super Bowl is just too big a deal to have a sensible halftime show. No one wants to see Beyonce or Coldplay just sing a few of their most popular tunes. We'd much rather have them sing ten-second snippets of every song they know, surrounded by dancing robots with boxes on their heads, while Usher jumps over 25 school buses. That's how America does spectacle. You don't like it? Well...nobody else does either, but if we scale back, the Chinese will think we're weak.
I like how Germany does spectacle. Over there, they have a centuries old hunting tradition of deer-calling. Basically, a group of men and women head out into the woods with ox horns, snail shells and plant stems and holla at some deer. Whoever gets a deer's number first is crowned champion. It is such a popular pastime that all nine participants said they may return for next year's competition (as long as it doesn't conflict with the Super Bowl).
I consider myself a visionary, and I think with a few tweaks, this centuries old German tradition could gain some popularity here in America. Here's what I propose:
1. If a competitor performs a deer-call incorrectly, the deer is given one free charge at said competitor.
2. If a competitor attracts more than one deer, the deer will compete against each other for the competitor's affection. The competitor will eliminate deer one by one until only one deer remains which he may then go on a date with or butcher for jerky.
3. Halfway through the competition, the Black-Eyed Peas, wearing robot ninja suits, will parachute into the forest and sing every song on iTunes.
4. When two minutes are left in the competition, the nefarious deercat is released into the woods. Competitors who attract it, receive a rocket-propelled grenade to the face (if they're lucky).
So I think we have a success on our hands. Time to get some advertisers lined up!
But there's really no other way. The Super Bowl is just too big a deal to have a sensible halftime show. No one wants to see Beyonce or Coldplay just sing a few of their most popular tunes. We'd much rather have them sing ten-second snippets of every song they know, surrounded by dancing robots with boxes on their heads, while Usher jumps over 25 school buses. That's how America does spectacle. You don't like it? Well...nobody else does either, but if we scale back, the Chinese will think we're weak.
I like how Germany does spectacle. Over there, they have a centuries old hunting tradition of deer-calling. Basically, a group of men and women head out into the woods with ox horns, snail shells and plant stems and holla at some deer. Whoever gets a deer's number first is crowned champion. It is such a popular pastime that all nine participants said they may return for next year's competition (as long as it doesn't conflict with the Super Bowl).
I consider myself a visionary, and I think with a few tweaks, this centuries old German tradition could gain some popularity here in America. Here's what I propose:
1. If a competitor performs a deer-call incorrectly, the deer is given one free charge at said competitor.
2. If a competitor attracts more than one deer, the deer will compete against each other for the competitor's affection. The competitor will eliminate deer one by one until only one deer remains which he may then go on a date with or butcher for jerky.
3. Halfway through the competition, the Black-Eyed Peas, wearing robot ninja suits, will parachute into the forest and sing every song on iTunes.
4. When two minutes are left in the competition, the nefarious deercat is released into the woods. Competitors who attract it, receive a rocket-propelled grenade to the face (if they're lucky).
So I think we have a success on our hands. Time to get some advertisers lined up!
posted by AaronJLohr | 10:47 AM
2 Comments:
will parachute into the forest and sing every song on iTunes.
Second attempt at a comment, here goes. I actually laughed out loud at "will parachute into the forest and sing every song on iTunes". I thought that was exactly what they were trying to do during the game last night.
Post a Comment
<< Home