Aaron Lohr, Concerned Citizen

Welcome to my blog. I write about actual news stories. Sure, I joke a lot, but I include citations to prove that the source of my jibber jabber is real. You can't make this stuff up. If you've come across a strange news story, send it my way. I'm now on twitter at: https://twitter.com/#!/AaronLohr

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Location: Maryland, United States

I like to move it move it.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

That Elephant is Huge

If movies have taught us anything, there are three tasks that humans should never undertake. First, we shalt not build a race of servant robots. They will rise up and destroy us. Second, we shalt not try to bring back the dead, they will turn into zombies, rise up and destroy us. And thirdly, we shalt not bring back the dinosaurs. They will rise up and destroy us.

So, imagine my horror when I recently read that scientists are all set up to bring back a dead triceratops via robotic implants. I was so relieved when I found out it was just some silly tabloid article (New York Post). But then I saw another article which said Japanese scientists were making plans to bring back the wooly mammoth. And this one was for real.

Apparently these researchers are looking at the possibility of using sperm from a frozen mammoth to inseminate their closest living relative (the elephant). Upon hearing this, the elephants were noticed to be exchanging nervous glances. http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060821/FEATURES/608210316

Dr. Robert W. McGaughey, a laboratory director at the Institute for Reproductive Studies in Scottsdale, AZ said that similar experiments with rodents have proven successful. He believes it is clearly possible that some day we may be able to obtain offspring from extinct animals frozen at reasonable temperatures for very long periods of time. So tomorrow, wooly mammoths, and the next day maybe Al Gore.

If you’re like me, you’d probably be excited about bringing back the wooly mammoth. None of us have ever seen one, so that kind of excitement is understandable. But, what are the ethical repercussions of such an experiment?

I sat down with Dr. Ian Malcolm, a brilliant mathematician who specializes in chaos theory. He believes bringing back the mammoth could be a catastrophe of Biblical proportions.

Aaron Lohr: Dr. Malcolm, thanks so much for joining us today. So you’re not thrilled about the prospect of bringing back the mammoth?

Dr. Malcolm: The lack of humility before nature that's being displayed here, uh... staggers me.

Lohr: Lack of humility? What do you mean by that?

Dr. Malcolm: I'll tell you the problem with the scientific power that you're using here: it didn't require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility for it.

Lohr: But surely, now that we know we could do this, the path to new scientific discoveries is wide open. That must be a good thing.

Dr. Malcolm: Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.

Lohr: So we shouldn’t take this tremendous opportunity of discovery because of some moral concerns?

Dr. Malcolm: What is so great about discovery? It is a violent, penetrative act that scars what it explores. What you call discovery, I call the rape of the natural world.

Lohr: Now wait a minute Doctor! You’re taking this a bit too seriously. I’m simply saying that I think it’s a great –

Dr. Ellie Sattler: We can make it if we run.

Lohr: Wha? Who are you?

Muldoon: No, we can’t.

Lohr: Where did you people come from?

Dr. Ellie Sattler, Dr. Malcolm, and Big Bird: Why not?

Muldoon: Because we are being hunted.

Dr. Ellie Sattler: Oh God!

Dr. Malcolm: Boy do I hate being right all the time.

Big Bird: Snuffy! Where am I? I went through the mirror again!

Lohr: What is going on here? Who’s hunting what?

(Velociraptor crashes through the wall trapping Big Bird in a corner)

Lohr: Whoa!
Big Bird: AGGGH!! Snuffy!! Flip the switch back!! Flip it back!!

Snuffy (voice coming from everywhere): Geeze Bird, I think it’s stuck.

Big Bird: Well get it unstuck. I’m about to get torn to pieces!!! Oh God!!!

Snuffy: I think I got it.

(The room flashes white, then blue and then is shrouded in darkness. When the light comes back the dinosaur and Big Bird are replaced by Snuffleufflegus who is quite mammoth like)

Lohr: Wow. A mammoth. How about that?

Dr. Malcolm: Life, uh found a way…

Snuffy: Umm…so where did Bird go?

Big Bird (voice coming from everywhere): Oh God! It’s still here Snuffy! It’s got my….AAAAGGGGHHH!

Snuffy: Finally… I’m free.

It was one of the more bizarre interviews I’ve had for sure. But it certainly got me thinking about whether or not we should mess with bringing back extinct animals. Now I have to say, let’s go for it! I bet they’re delicious!