Ugly Dogs Protest Westminster Dog Show

Dog lovers around the world waited all year for yesterday's Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden in New York and they weren't disappointed. History was made as visitors witnessed a toy poodle, a beagle, an Irish wolfhound, and two minitaure pinchers defeat the New York Knicks 120-79.

The dogs really moved the ball well and the Knicks could not shut down their outside shooting. Uno, the beagle, finished with 42 points, 7 rebounds, and an astonishing 11 blocks.

This is the latest setback for the Knicks in a season that has seen their star player walk out on them, their coach repeatedly ridiculed on late night television, and their fans trampled and devoured by the Cloverfield monster.

But the real story is that this is the first time a beagle has ever won the best-in-show award.

Folks have been asking me how my dog, Captain Fussy Britches the Incontinent, finished at the show. Well let's just say he finished pretty much everywhere. As usual, we couldn't get through any of the events. We even had trouble registering little Fussy as we were told he has no "distinguishable breed".

But don't worry, I gave the Captain a ribbon anyway to keep his spirits high. He barked a few proud barks before he ate it. What a trooper.

Rise of the Superdelegates

It's impossible to watch the news these days and not hear about who's leading who in the presidential primaries. Yes, I suppose you could press the mute button, if you have one of those la-dee-dah fancy televisions with the "remote" control but not everyone has rich parents do they? Thankfully I do, and I can press the mute button at my liesure whilst sipping wine and grooming my showdog Captain Fussy Britches the Incontinent.

Primaries always get a lot of coverage, but this year is different, because usually by now the front runners have emerged and there really isn't much of a race anymore. That seems to be true for the Republican Party though a few well placed roundhouse kicks from Chuck Norris could propel Huckabee to the top of the pile and quite possibly even into the stratosphere.

The Democratic nominees, Obama and Clinton, however are neck and neck in a historic race. It really could go either way, and that's why many of us are hearing about superdelegates for the first time. Who are they? What powers do they have? What weakness can we exploit in the case they rise up and attempt to destroy us?

Let's tackle those questions one at a time. First, superdelegates refer to the 842 unpledged delegates nationwide, which include congressional representatives, Democratic governors, and assorted party leaders. They represent more than 20 percent of the total Democratic delegates. If neither nominee has a clear lead in delegates by the time of the August National Democratic Convention, these superdelegates would determine the winner. (Can you believe Bill Clinton is a superdelegate?)

Now should these superdelgates elect to band together and exterminate humanity, we will all have to do our part to fight back and defend our right to exist. Some say that we can only hurt them in a trance-like dreamstate brought upon by ingesting a mixture of ground up volcanic rock, shavings from a rare Himalayan truffle, and two tablespoons of worcestershire sauce.

Others claim that superdelegates are rendered powerless in the presence of true love. And still others say superdelgates are vulnerable to bullets or even repeated strikes from blunt instruments like baseball bats or Pat Robertson.

Unfortunately no one knows for sure. Just to be safe, I'm stocking up on canned foods and doggie diapers and I suggest you do the same.