Trip to the Deer Farm
My dad likes to garden, just like his dad before him. And some day, when I have enough land, it's very likely that I will buy a trampoline. I know some people say they're dangerous, but believe it or not, they're more scared of us than we are of them. If though, I suffer a horrendous trampoline accident (like "trampoline knees", "trampoline ankles", or "pierced skull a la trampoline")I will probably turn my attention to gardening.
What's not to like? You get to spend quality time outdoors, see the literal fruit of your labor, and create a bustling new ecosystem all in one fell swoop. Why, life was pretty boring as a kid until the gardening season came. All that boring snow, ruining my learning and such. I learned early that ice skates were as much fun as "pierced lungs a la ice skates". Not as much fun as it sounds.
But when Spring came, we would start the work that would lead to the blossoming of flowers, the harvesting of delicious foods, and the inevitable bloody showdown between man and nature.
If you wanted those potatoes you were going to have to fight for them and Mother Nature has quite the arsenal. She'll hit you with floods, droughts, locusts, potato beetles, groundhogs, deer, strategic lightning strikes, and rampaging herds of sasquatch. The true gardener has an answer for all of these, and, if my dad has taught me anything, most of the time the answer is a shotgun.
A shotgun may not have too much impact on a drought, but boy do they make a mess of potato beetles. Of course as a young child, it wasn't appropriate for me to shoot a gun, so I had to resort to the ole mallet and cinderblock routine. Those beetles were merciless to those plants, and if not for the Hammer of Justice, I do believe they'd have locked up the democratic presidential nomination by now.
My dad tells me that the deer are now the principal offenders. They snack on the prettiest bushes, even when there's plenty of food elsewhere. I am convinced that it is the beauty they crave. I once saw a deer bounding in our backyard with a priceless Monet clenched firmly between its teeth. A few years ago I'm pretty sure I saw another deer insanely charge the sunset. Who knows where it ended up? From my morning commute, I'd probably say on the shoulder of East West Highway. Apparently it ran until its head fell off. Such determination...
With all the danger these guys represent, you can imagine my surprise when I read about a man who works incredibly hard on his garden so that the deer WILL EAT IT.
He calls it a deer farm. All the deer are free to frolic on his 200 acres and munch on the many plants that he worked so hard to grow. But he does it all for them. He wants them to enjoy it...to get the healthy food they need...to grow large and muscular...that's right...eat up my pretties...mwa ha...MWA HA...MWA HAHAHAHAHAHA!
You see, he treats them like royalty until hunting season comes. And then he gets his friends together, dresses them in camo, puts shotguns in their hands and they go to town on those deer. The deer of course are shocked at this reversal of fortune. To be treated so kindly and given so many good things, and then to have the same person turn on you and ruin it all. Ya hear me George Lucas!!
Some of you, I'm sure, feel pity for the deer. Others of you are hunters and can appreciate the care given to the game animals. And others of you wonder if perhaps this new tactic of manipulation may draw the ire of that dastardly death-dealing beast known as the deercat. (see 1/4/05 and 12/14/06 blog entries).
The deercat has the body of a deer, but the head, tail, and carnivorous tendencies of a cat. It also has large adamantium antlers that are sharpend to spikes. It is also equipped with a side-mounted rocket launcher and night vision goggles. It sleeps 17 hours a day, grooms itself during most of its waking hours, and freezes when caught in headlights. Its rage at the world stems from the terrible scientific experiments that brought about its creation. For the injustice done to it, it seeks vengeance on all injustice. It also likes to be scratched behind the ears, but only for a little while. It will let you know when it's had enough. (have bandages nearby)
I think the farmer may not fully understand what he's gotten himself into until it's too late. There are only two scientists left that created that beast. The others died of various accidental causes ("shattered skull a la deer hooves", "pierced brain a la adamantium antler spikes", and "incinerated torso a la rocket explosion")
These scientists can still track the creature and they warn that it seems to be heading in the direction of this guy's farm. If it's a challenge he wanted, it appears that it is a challenge that he shall have. I suggest building a bunker a surrounding his property with trampolines.
What's not to like? You get to spend quality time outdoors, see the literal fruit of your labor, and create a bustling new ecosystem all in one fell swoop. Why, life was pretty boring as a kid until the gardening season came. All that boring snow, ruining my learning and such. I learned early that ice skates were as much fun as "pierced lungs a la ice skates". Not as much fun as it sounds.
But when Spring came, we would start the work that would lead to the blossoming of flowers, the harvesting of delicious foods, and the inevitable bloody showdown between man and nature.
If you wanted those potatoes you were going to have to fight for them and Mother Nature has quite the arsenal. She'll hit you with floods, droughts, locusts, potato beetles, groundhogs, deer, strategic lightning strikes, and rampaging herds of sasquatch. The true gardener has an answer for all of these, and, if my dad has taught me anything, most of the time the answer is a shotgun.
A shotgun may not have too much impact on a drought, but boy do they make a mess of potato beetles. Of course as a young child, it wasn't appropriate for me to shoot a gun, so I had to resort to the ole mallet and cinderblock routine. Those beetles were merciless to those plants, and if not for the Hammer of Justice, I do believe they'd have locked up the democratic presidential nomination by now.
My dad tells me that the deer are now the principal offenders. They snack on the prettiest bushes, even when there's plenty of food elsewhere. I am convinced that it is the beauty they crave. I once saw a deer bounding in our backyard with a priceless Monet clenched firmly between its teeth. A few years ago I'm pretty sure I saw another deer insanely charge the sunset. Who knows where it ended up? From my morning commute, I'd probably say on the shoulder of East West Highway. Apparently it ran until its head fell off. Such determination...
With all the danger these guys represent, you can imagine my surprise when I read about a man who works incredibly hard on his garden so that the deer WILL EAT IT.
He calls it a deer farm. All the deer are free to frolic on his 200 acres and munch on the many plants that he worked so hard to grow. But he does it all for them. He wants them to enjoy it...to get the healthy food they need...to grow large and muscular...that's right...eat up my pretties...mwa ha...MWA HA...MWA HAHAHAHAHAHA!
You see, he treats them like royalty until hunting season comes. And then he gets his friends together, dresses them in camo, puts shotguns in their hands and they go to town on those deer. The deer of course are shocked at this reversal of fortune. To be treated so kindly and given so many good things, and then to have the same person turn on you and ruin it all. Ya hear me George Lucas!!
Some of you, I'm sure, feel pity for the deer. Others of you are hunters and can appreciate the care given to the game animals. And others of you wonder if perhaps this new tactic of manipulation may draw the ire of that dastardly death-dealing beast known as the deercat. (see 1/4/05 and 12/14/06 blog entries).
The deercat has the body of a deer, but the head, tail, and carnivorous tendencies of a cat. It also has large adamantium antlers that are sharpend to spikes. It is also equipped with a side-mounted rocket launcher and night vision goggles. It sleeps 17 hours a day, grooms itself during most of its waking hours, and freezes when caught in headlights. Its rage at the world stems from the terrible scientific experiments that brought about its creation. For the injustice done to it, it seeks vengeance on all injustice. It also likes to be scratched behind the ears, but only for a little while. It will let you know when it's had enough. (have bandages nearby)
I think the farmer may not fully understand what he's gotten himself into until it's too late. There are only two scientists left that created that beast. The others died of various accidental causes ("shattered skull a la deer hooves", "pierced brain a la adamantium antler spikes", and "incinerated torso a la rocket explosion")
These scientists can still track the creature and they warn that it seems to be heading in the direction of this guy's farm. If it's a challenge he wanted, it appears that it is a challenge that he shall have. I suggest building a bunker a surrounding his property with trampolines.
posted by AaronJLohr | 1:27 PM
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