Scissors Beat Paper; Rock Beats Vampires
When J.K. Rowling penned the final book in the mega-popular Harry Potter series, she probably didn't realize the powerful void she was creating. For years she made the written word popular again, with books such as "Harry Potter and the Sorcer's Stone", "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", and "Harry Potter and the Furry Spider that Was Hiding Under Yesterday's Cereal Bowl and When I Went to Clean the Bowl Nearly Had a Heart Attack."
The final book was published, and then there was nothing. Children went back to playing video games, cruising the Internet, and leaving the front door open while the air conditioner was on. Many authors looked at this void and saw an opportunity to inherit the fame left behind by Rowling. But the void was a powerful vortex, sucking in their boring and unoriginal fluff and it grew stronger like Shagdarrum, the hairy dust monster in my vacuum cleaner. I know that vacuuming will only make him stronger, but the cat sheds quite a bit and I need to keep the spiders at bay.
But then something quite unexpected happened. An author penned a teen romance book about vampires and before you could say "xbvccyadkshlck" a new golden era had begun. Stephenie Meyer was the new queen of the castle and her "Twilight" series was the new ... dynastic achievement.
And yet not all was well in the land. Sure, some readers loved the characters and relationships, but what about the vampire purists. Meyer's vampires didn't have fangs. They cared not about garlic or holy crosses. They left the seat up in the bathroom and never washed their hands. They left empty milk cartons in the fridge. They didn't turn off their electronic devices during takeoff or landing. They looked gift horses directly in the mouth. They crossed the road after only looking one way. They swam immediately after eating. They ended sentences with prepositions. They fed the animals at the zoo, left their phones on at the theater, and they never ever used their blinkers.
Vampire purists hated this. Vampires have fangs. They sizzle in the sun. Garlic, holy crosses, and holy water give them incredible indigestion. They use the word "bleh" like smurfs use "smurf". How dare Meyer not adhere to the facts?!
But that's the problem. What facts do we really have about vampires? Well according to a recent story in livescience.com it appears killing them may be easier than we'd think. Back during the days of the plague, folks thought vampires were everywhere. To stop them from rising during the night to feed, they'd stuff a rock in their mouth. Then they'd wake up and be like, "Hey! What's the deal with this rock in my mouth. I want some blood foo!"
Apparently these undead beings who are impervious to pain, could not extend their hands to their mouth, grasp the stone, and then remove it. Either that, or the stones had nothing to do with vampires and were actually part of a very morbid Easter Egg hunt-style game.
Still though, if you come across a slumbering vampire, it's probably best to just chop its head off or something.
The final book was published, and then there was nothing. Children went back to playing video games, cruising the Internet, and leaving the front door open while the air conditioner was on. Many authors looked at this void and saw an opportunity to inherit the fame left behind by Rowling. But the void was a powerful vortex, sucking in their boring and unoriginal fluff and it grew stronger like Shagdarrum, the hairy dust monster in my vacuum cleaner. I know that vacuuming will only make him stronger, but the cat sheds quite a bit and I need to keep the spiders at bay.
But then something quite unexpected happened. An author penned a teen romance book about vampires and before you could say "xbvccyadkshlck" a new golden era had begun. Stephenie Meyer was the new queen of the castle and her "Twilight" series was the new ... dynastic achievement.
And yet not all was well in the land. Sure, some readers loved the characters and relationships, but what about the vampire purists. Meyer's vampires didn't have fangs. They cared not about garlic or holy crosses. They left the seat up in the bathroom and never washed their hands. They left empty milk cartons in the fridge. They didn't turn off their electronic devices during takeoff or landing. They looked gift horses directly in the mouth. They crossed the road after only looking one way. They swam immediately after eating. They ended sentences with prepositions. They fed the animals at the zoo, left their phones on at the theater, and they never ever used their blinkers.
Vampire purists hated this. Vampires have fangs. They sizzle in the sun. Garlic, holy crosses, and holy water give them incredible indigestion. They use the word "bleh" like smurfs use "smurf". How dare Meyer not adhere to the facts?!
But that's the problem. What facts do we really have about vampires? Well according to a recent story in livescience.com it appears killing them may be easier than we'd think. Back during the days of the plague, folks thought vampires were everywhere. To stop them from rising during the night to feed, they'd stuff a rock in their mouth. Then they'd wake up and be like, "Hey! What's the deal with this rock in my mouth. I want some blood foo!"
Apparently these undead beings who are impervious to pain, could not extend their hands to their mouth, grasp the stone, and then remove it. Either that, or the stones had nothing to do with vampires and were actually part of a very morbid Easter Egg hunt-style game.
Still though, if you come across a slumbering vampire, it's probably best to just chop its head off or something.
posted by AaronJLohr | 10:23 AM
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