That Comes with Fries Right?

I think most people would agree that life seems a bit repetitive at times. Just a tad too ho-hum. We all wake up, have a bowl of cereal, brush our teeth, take a shower, feed the guinea pigs, set the bear trap, pack a lunch, finally put some clothes on, power up the Zeppelin, and then it’s off to work. But there is one bright spot in the day for all of us, and it is called the sun … I mean “lunch”.

No matter how dreary a day is, you get a break to indulge in a variety of lunchtime delicacies. I work in Rockville, MD, a vast commercial corridor with every type of cuisine you could hope for. And among all my choices, few deliver as much constant culinary joy as Arby’s. Their roast beef sandwich is simply succulent. Their market fresh sandwiches rival the best delis of Deli-ware. Their chicken strips are beyond compare and make McNuggets look like … McNuggets. They have the sweet and refreshing jamocha milkshake and now their soda fountains feature Diet Dr. Pepper. And it’s cheap. Need I say more?

But if we take seriously the studies that are coming out of the American Medical Association, these kind of foods are making me fat, or as the smarties say “obese”. What a terrible, obese sort of word that is.

Why are things that are bad for you so cheap and readily accessible? Fast food, vending machines, guns …the list goes on. Well one restaurant is putting its foot down. You want a hamburger buddy? Then fork over $100. That’s right, it’s the most expensive burger around and soon rich people will have to have wheels strapped to their legs to help them move. http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=2101974&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312

Of course to warrant this outrageous price, the hamburger is made out of solid gold. The lettuce leaves are rare emeralds found only in the deepest mines of Africa. The bun is comprised of the crushed bones of ancient kings. And the catsup is Fancy Ketchup, featuring an extra portion of the highest fructose corn syrup.

Imagine if every fast food joint raised their prices. We would be forced to eat healthier. Our children would no longer have difficulty climbing stairs. The U.S. soccer team would have a legitimate shot at the World Cup. The restaurants would go out of business and be converted to prisons to help ease the crowded penal system. Everybody wins. To keep things the way they are is quite frankly, the obesiest thing.

This World is Not Enough

One of my better friends in high school had what could only be described as an unhealthy love of science and learning. I remember one assignment we were given in physics class. We were to break into pairs and research a topic in the field of physics and then teach that topic to the class. Pretty clever of the teacher if you ask me. He gets the students to learn AND teach, and he’s in the back corner reclining in a chair with a sombrero hiding his face.

Anyway, most of the kids picked some pretty generic topics: pendulums, transfer of energy, momentum … well, I know it’s my fault for picking him as a partner, but my friend Phil talked me into presenting on the Theory of Relativity. And the funny part was he was uncomfortable with public speaking. So the plan was, he would teach me everything, and then I would teach the class. We studied relativity every day for hours. And when the time came for us to present, we shocked everyone. I was labeled a nerd for some time, but fortunately I have forgotten everything since.

One book that this friend of mine made me read was “A Brief History of Time” by Stephen Hawking. Hawking is a renowned astrophysicist from the University of Cambridge who seems to be better known for his struggle with ALS which limits him to a wheel chair and a computer-driven voice modulator which makes him sound like a bit robotic.

Anyway, the man is a genius, and so I couldn’t figure out half of what he was talking about. But the one thing that was clear is that he knows his stuff and he may be the brightest mind of our time.

So what is Hawking talking about these days? Quite simply: the end of the world. Well if that came from Pat Buchanan, we could all share a good laugh and go on with our lives. But this is coming from the guy who supposedly knows best. He doesn’t mention any specific impending danger, but he does say the world is teetering on destruction because of the hazards of global warming, nuclear war, or genetically-engineered viruses. http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/space/2006-06-13-hawking-humans-space_x.htm?csp=34

Is there anything we can do? Hawking says yes. He says it’s time for us to expand into space. He believes that we could have a fully functional independent colony on the moon within 20 years, and on Mars within 40 years. Of course, viewers of FOX news know the world will be obliterated well before then, but it’s still worth pondering.

What would living on the moon be like? There’d be no trees, no animals, no water, and no oxygen. So in short, we wouldn’t last longer than 15 seconds. Now I know Professor Hawking is a genius, but this seems to be a terrible idea. Who would spend all that money to move to space and just have their vital organs forcefully evacuate from their eye sockets in the time it takes to save money on your car insurance?

I think I have a better idea. How many of you ever watched SeaQuest? Anybody?...besides Phil??? Okay a few of you. Basically it was Star Trek underwater and it starred that guy from Jaws and a talking dolphin. The point of the show was to show the underwater world as a vastly unexplored land that people have neglected for far too long. There’s more room underwater than there is on land, and plenty of food. There are many delicious delicacies to be found under the sea, like the sea cucumber and the spongebob.

I interviewed Professor Alistair Sebastian of the International Oceanic Institute in his underwater research center to discuss this controversial idea.

Aaron: Is the state of the world really as bad as Professor Hawking says?

Sebastian: Aaron, listen to me. The human world, it’s a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there.

Aaron: Professor Sebastian, Stephen Hawking has recommended that mankind turn their thoughts to colonizing outer space. I think it would be much easier to pursue options under our vast oceans. What say you?

Sebastian: Under the sea. Under the sea. Darling its better, down where it’s wetter, take it from me.

Aaron. I thought as much. Do you think people could adjust to life under the sea? No cars, no stereos … could we be happy?

Sebastian: Just look at the world around you, right here on the ocean floor. Such wonderful things surround you, what more is you lookin’ for?

Aaron: I guess I shouldn’t knock it until I’ve tried it. Well you’ve been underwater in your state-of-the-art research center for some time now. How has the experience been so far for you and your team?

Sebastian and team: We’ve got no troubles, life is the bubbles under the sea (under the sea) under the sea (under the sea). Since life is sweet here, we got the beat here naturally (naturally-ee-ee-ee)

Stephen Hawking: I really must protest. This man is a lobster. What does he even know about life on the land?

Aaron: Oh, Professor Hawking. How long have you been in my suitcase? Nevermind…it’s a valid question. Professor Sebastian, what do you know about life on the land?

Sebastian: What do they got, a lot of sand? We’ve got a hot crustacean band. Each little clam here, know how to jam here, under the sea.

Hawking: While impressive, I don’t think a crustacean band alone warrants the colonization of the ocean floor before we consider other planets.

Sebastian: Each little slug here, cutting a rug here under the sea …

Hawking: That is intriguing, but still …

Sebastian: Each little snail here, know how to wail here.

Hawking and Sebastian and Aaron: That’s why it’s hotter, under the water. Yeah, we in luck here, down under the muck here, under the sea!!!

It was certainly a very provocative interview, and one I won’t soon forget. So think about it America. The time will be here before you know it and we’ll have to decide: Outer Space…or…Under the Sea. If you’re like me, you’ll be stocking up on tartar sauce.