Into the Nest of the Sasquatch

For years, scientists have debated the existence of fantastical creatures like sasquatch, werewolves and Lady Gaga. How can so many people claim to have seen these modern day monsters and yet there is no iron-clad proof of their existence? All we have are hoaxes where everyday people dress up in outlandish outfits and imitate Madonna. It's all so phony.

Wouldn't you think that if sasquatches were real that there would be some evidence? I mean a creature that size has to leave something behind...hair, footprints, an umbrella (I'm always leaving mine somewhere). We've got nothing. Hold on a second, I'm being handed some breaking news....

Okay, this just in, sasquatches are totally for realz. "Scientists" have found a bigfoot nest in a remote region in Siberia. Apparently sasquatches make their home by finding a nice wooded area and then they just twist them trees like pretzels into a nest-like shape and take a nappy-poo.

Biologist John Bindernagel, who took part in the expedition, said, "We didn't feel like the trees we saw in Siberia had been done by a man or another mammal. Twisted trees like this have also been observed in North America, and they could fit with the theory that Bigfoot makes nests. The nests we have looked at are built around trees twisted together into an arch shape."

Bindernagel seems to suggest that sasquatches are advanced nest makers, as man could not have accomplished such a feat of engineering. We can build jet planes and clone sheep, but we can't build a simple yeti nest. This is what happens when you cut education dollars.

So this astounding report begs the question: just how intelligent is the sasquatch? They've been able to keep their existence a secret for centuries despite our numerous expeditions and state-of-the-art satellite technology. They can construct nests that defy human understanding. To look at one is to lose yourself in an endless vertigo of puzzlement and shame where reality is but a pendulum swinging between emptiness and self-loathing.

Perhaps it's best we stop seeking them out. Can we really afford to get on their bad side (which judging from photos of supposed sasquatch is every side)? I mean if these beasties can twist trees when they're sleepy, I don't want to see what they do to the guy who disturbs their peace...unless it's on video and narrated by Morgan Freeman...then it would be classy.