Star Wars Conclusion Draws Record Number of Nerds

It’s been nearly 30 years since George Lucas gave us Star Wars and you’d be hard-pressed to find anything more popular. You know you hit the big-time when you have your own cereal comprised of cornmeal shapes and dehydrated marshmallows. And if you don’t think it’s just a marketing gimmick, take a quarter and scratch the box. You will find it easily peals off underneath and you’re left with a box of Lucky Charms from the seventies.

Think about those marshmallow shapes. Is that really C-3PO? Doesn’t it look remarkably similar to a yellow moon? How about Jabba the Hut? I think it bares a pretty strong resemblance to a green clover. And that big hairy thing is not Chewbacca. In fact, that’s not even supposed to be in there.

Have you heard about these crazy lines at the theater to see this thing? Did you know that some people have quit their jobs to wait in these lines? It’s so irresponsible. Who’s going to help me access my email now?

Now some of you will say that I don’t understand. That being there on opening night with your fellow Star Wars fans, all dressed up is part of the culture of this whole thing. It’s being there for a historical moment. I understand that. I understand that it’s looney tunes.

But I’m not going to judge you wackos. Have fun with it, because allegedly it’s your last chance. No more Star Wars after this…or so says George Lucas. But I don’t believe it. HOGWASH! You know why? I’ll give you a hint: $$$$$$$.

When people are making billions of dollars and the fan base remains large, you will get sequel after sequel, and cereal after cereal. So don’t cry for this one. My bet is it will be back in some shape and form. Peeps gots ta have their blingy bling.

I am going to see it tomorrow morning at 10 am with a few friends. But I’m being real normal about it. What’s that you say?...No, it’s not a light saber…it’s more like a cane…I have bad arches. What’s that? No-no, the helmet keeps my head warm. No I havn’t been waiting in line for two days….it’s more like one and a half….and Huh? What am I eating? Ummm…it’s Lucky Charms of course.

Untapped Power in Elephant Squeeze

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who don’t mind talking about excrement and those that do. If you are of the latter, I respect that and I promise to treat your sensitivity with the honor that is doo it. I wouldn’t talk about this if it wasn’t impootant. So please fight through your discomfort and enjoy today’s bLOG.

The Rosamond Gifford Zoo in Syracuse, NY is having a bit of a power crisis. Their annual electricity and heating bills alone are $400,000. What is a zoo to do? Well you know what they say, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Or in this case, “When life gives you numerous piles of elephant feces…umm.. make your own power.”

And while elephant dookie has been around almost as long as elephants, the idea of harnessing their waste for power is a relatively new one. Elephant droppings are best because the large beasts are inefficient digesters, so their feces are higher in energy content. How splendid! But wait, there’s more! The theory works for other animals too. All those years you scooped that dog poop or shoveled that kitty litter into the garbage, you were throwing away money and power. Fools!! All of you!!

I suppose you can’t be blamed for your ignorance. But now that you know, I expect you to be more responsible. I submit that every American begin by evaluating their pet dung BTU. This will help you know what kind of goldmine your pet is sitting on. This is easy and fun. Testing BTUs is as simple as burning dung in a special little steel box called "Le Chateau de Squeeze" (brought to you by the creative minds behind the Easy Bake Oven). Due to the smell involved with this magical process I recommend doing this outside or at a neighbor’s house.

If your Mittens or Fido tests well, you’ve struck it rich! Puppy Power indeed!! Soon, there will be drop off points in your neighborhood for pet poo rich in BTUs. Just take it down on your way to the bank or grocery store and drop it off for cash!

I’m pretty sure we’ll soon see spikes in the sale of large animals like horses, Saint Bernards, and depressed cats. And wild animals like the mighty moose and the majestic snuffleufflegus will be followed by young entrepreneurs with plastic gloves and Rubbermaid trash barrels.

Businesses will see spikes in production. Slogans will change to meet the times:

Nike’s will become “Just Doo It”
Elmer’s Glue will become “Waste Makes Paste”
And Chevrolet will keep “Like a Rock”

Yes a wonderful time of prosperity is upon us. Now if you don’t mind, I’m taking the cat to El Burrito del Diablo.