Smurfs and Transformers to Hit Big Screen

Everyone in Hollywood is jumping on the re-make bandwagon. It’s as if no one has an original thought left in their head, and if they do, they screw it up by making a movie with Keanu Reeves. It’s no wonder the box office has seen its audience dwindle over the last year.

Recently we’ve been hit with re-makes of Dukes of Hazzard, Starsky and Hutch, Charlie’s Angels, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the Longest Yard, Bad News Bears, Pink Panther, Wild Wild West, the Honeymooners, Bewitched, War of the Worlds, the Amityville Horror, and Cinderella Man (it was originally called Seabisquit or Rudy)(zing!).

And while this list is vast, it leaves me wondering why they are picking such bad films to remake and not touching the great ones. When will someone remake Knight Rider? Picture it: Michael Knight played by Coolio, the voice of KIT by Tim Curry, and that old guy by Alan Greenspan. It’s a can’t miss blockbuster smash!

There may be hope on the horizon though. It has come to my attention that remakes are in the works for both the Transformers and the Smurfs. The Internet Movie Database (http://www.imdb.com/) does not yet have any info on these films so we are forced to speculate as to who will be in them and what they will be about. Lets get our speculators on!!

Okay, I don’t know who was using these speculators last, but this is just gross. It looks like someone used them as the base ingredient for a dead monkey and hair gel stew….oh wait…..that’s Maurice, the super suave funky monkey. He’s wearing them right now, and looks deeply offended. Sorry buddy. Can I get those back? Thanks.

Anyway, so let’s speculate first on the smurfs. I hear this will be a 3-D animation flick, similar to the Incredibles, so no live-acting will be necessary. So who will do the voice work? I have cranked my speculators to DreamCast and have come up with the following answers:

Papa Smurf: Vin Diesel
Gargamel: Jerry Lewis
Smurfette: Condoleezza Rice
Brainy Smurf: Coolio
Azrael the Cat: Tom Hanks (this is not a speaking role)
Clumsy Smurf: Antonio Banderas (Clumsy’s lines are set to ragtime music)
Grouchy Smurf: Samuel L. Jackson (it’s a stretch I know but that’s what acting is about)
Other miscellaneous smurfs: The Mormon Tabernacle Choir

So the story behind the film…

Okay, if it’s anything like the TV series, Gargamel is going to be hungry something fierce, and even though he could pick berries or whatever he’s going to be jonesing for smurfcakes. So he sends Azrael with a note around his neck to make peace with the Smurfs. (Azrael is a cat and should not speak at all). The note will invite the smurfs to Gargamel’s for a barbeque. The letter will state “BYOB” at the end. Always ready for a good bbq, the smurfs gather some lawn chairs and coolers of cold ones and make there way to the evil hut of Gargamel who appears dangerously thin. Anyway after all the smurfs are there Gargamel reveals that BYOB stands for “Bring Your Own Bodies” and then gasses them all with some crazy gas he’s got lying around.

Anyway, in the next scene the smurfs are in a cage as Gargamel brings a pot of water to boil. He sings a moving song about finding hope in the dark despair of night. While he’s singing the smurfs break out and runaway. When Gargamel turns to see an empty cage he dies of starvation.

So how about Transformers?

Okay here’s the DreamCast:
Optimus Prime: Gilbert Gottfried
Megatron: Meg Ryan
Starscream: Ray Romano
Bumblebee: Coolio
Ironhide: Yao Ming
Soundwave: Stephen Hawking
Lazerbeak: Tom Hanks (this is not a speaking role)

So how will this story go? Well, Megatron successfully creates a super magnet that has enough force to crush any transformer with the flick of a switch. He decided to lure the Autobots out to fight by committing petty crimes like littering or saying bad things about the FBI.

So the Autobots come to the rescue, not knowing it’s a trap. While Megatron and Optimus Prime go back and forth about the merits of doing the right thing, Bumblebee tries to flank the Decepticons from the rear. There he over hears Soundwave and Starscream talking about what the signal is for when it’s okay to turn on the Crushomatic. Starscream thinks it’s when Megatron raises his right arm and gives a thumbs up. Soundwave counters that it’s when Megatron exclaims “I’ve always had a crush on you.”

While they argue Bumblebee finds the device and turns it on Megatron who is crushed instantly into a cube. Starscream and Soundwave look at each other, and figuring that’s the signal run up to the machine to turn it on. They both get cubed to death. Autobots win.

These sound like terrific movies to me and I can’t wait to see them. I do question the casting a bit though. What does Coolio have to prove by doing this mainstream claptrap? He could end up hurting his credentials.

Bored and Gored

This one is a tribute to all those who got gored at this week's Running of the Bulls. Your sacrifice and courage inspire us to keep reaching for that precious star of hope, a hope that one day, like you, we could find ourselves impaled on the bloody horns of an unkind bovine. My fictional old and crotchety neighbor shares some wisdom befitting such a wholesome event.

Bored and Gored
By: Farmer Clancy O’Windbag

Why are people so bored these days? With a millyun cable channels and all kinds of new-fangled gadgets and gizmos, people keep complainin’. I’m bored. There’s nothing to do. Well, I‘ve had enuff of it. Back in my day, we dint have gizmos, TV, or daytime and WE LIKED IT THAT WAY! Now you young punks can play baseball in yer livin’ room, listen to music while doin’ yardwork, and you only have to worry bout ravenous owls and possums half the day. Yet you still complain. Bah!

You could learn a lot from our friends in Pamplona, Spain. Back in 1560 they found a great way to pass the time. It all started when farmers in the country were trying to figure out how to git their bulls to the city so that they could sell them. This is before your fancy trucks and transporter beams. So they decided to just turn em loose down a narrow road towards the center of town, and by golly it worked.

After a while, some of the punk kids decided it would be a hoot to run in front of dem bulls and before you knew it they’s had begun a tradition that last to dis very day. You should hear their squeals of delight as they frolic wit those big bulls, laughin’ and bleedin’ and such. Here's an artist's renderin' of the good times!


I liked this idea so much that I glued forks on the tops of my chickens’ heads and ran them through the farmhouse as the family was sittin’ down to breakfast. Boy were they surprised! Those darn chickens really took to them forks too. They chase that po’ cat all around the barn, but they have a devil of a time trying to peck at the ground. I got ten of them out there right now all stuck and such, kickin’ their little legs.

I know what yer thinkin’…what if I don’t have any chickens? Well use yer imageenatshun!! You got cats, or hamsters? You could strap some sharpened broomsticks on some tractors and then run em’ through a square dance. Yeee Haww! You won’t see anybody sayin’ they’re bored then.

Now some ignant people say this is dangerous. Balderdash! The Running of the Bulls has been goin’ on for hunnerts of years and only a few dozen folks have gotten killed (and I’m sure they wasn’t bored at the time). With those odds yer much more likely to be in a borin’ conference or eatin’ a bologna sandwich then gettin’ gored by a bull. It’s the law of probability for cryin’ out loud.

So no more of your mouthin’ off bout bein’ bored and such. Take a page out of Pamplona’s book and glue some pitchforks on a ridin’ lawnmower and run it down Main Street. Yeee Haaaw!