Fish Soldiers of the Future

There have been more than enough jokes about comic book superhero Aquaman. Compared to iconic heroes Batman, Superman, and Spiderman he seems ill-equipped for most scenarios. He can't really respond to an asteroid hurtling toward the earth, he couldn't do much to stop a bank robbery, and he'd likely throw his hands up and shrug if asked to get a cat out of a tree. And we won't talk about he can easily be killed by accidentally spilling too many fish flakes over his underwater home.

And yet, despite his inadequacies, the U.S. Army is taking a page out of his book that could shape the future of our military. I know what you're thinking. Besides his ability to speak with underwater creatures and his incredible tapeworm infestation, what could Aquaman offer?

Well the answer lies in that really snazzy orange fish scale shirt. The U.S. Army has funded a study of the scales of the polypterus, a rather ugly fish, because they believe its scales could serves as a model for a new and advanced form of armor. It's hard to believe that we've wasted so much time investing in metals and plastics for the lightweight yet durable body armor the military currently uses. We should be wrappin' them in fish skins and just watch as the rockets repel off the armor and fly back towards the shooters.

Shooter #1: This is too easy. Look at them in their bright orange shirts and their gargantuan purple sea horses. Take this!

(watches rocket's path to target)

Shooter #2: Excellent shot, there's no way that ... hey... what the ... it just bounced off him and made some cartoonish ricochet sound effect.

Shooter #1: And it's heading right back at us!

Shooter #2: Maybe our new shrimp skin woven sweater vests will repel the ....

KABOOM!!!

If the new fish armor catches on, it likely won't be long until we see jets with feathers and boats with three rows of serrated teeth that only attack you because they think you're a seal.

Apparently the army has a lot of money laying around, which is interesting when you read about the record national debt of the U.S. being $9.5 trillion. I can imagine how this conversation with our creditors goes.

Creditor: Look, it's been a while, and this number is actually increasing, not decreasing. Any chance we'll see some money soon?

U.S.: Uh, sure. We intend on payin' ya back very soon. But we've got some crisis situations that demand our attention right now.

Creditor: Such as?

U.S.: Well, you see, there's these right ugly fish in Africa that got these real tough scales and ...

Creditor: Excuse me. Did you say fish?

U.S.: That's right. And they got these scales which protect them so that when other fish bite them, it takes a few more bites to kill em'.

Creditor: And?

U.S.: And umm...so...we thought the scales...could...protect our soldiers...from...fish bites...for a time. Look, I gotta go, I've got someone here who wants to talk to me about squirrel fur. ~click~

Creditor: Hello? Hello?

I'm all for researching new technology, and maybe there's something to these fish. Sure these armored fish are killed by other fish all the time, but how often are they killed by bullets or rocket-propelled grenades? Probably not very often. And I think that's what we're paying for here. Piece of mind.

If Aquaman were here, he'd be the first to tell you that tapeworms can lead to acute abdominal discomfort, flatulence, and megaloblastic anemia.

Slugs...why did it have to be slugs?

Last year, the wife and I purchased our first home. It's not an easy process. There are so many homes to look at and then when you find one you like you have to negotiate, do the paperwork, and of course the customary trial by the seven circles of death.

Fortunately my wife is an excellent javelin thrower, so the third circle was a breeze. I had some difficulty with the seventh circle. Who knew gorillas were so strong or adept with a hockey stick? Remax, that's who. They've clearly done their research.

Anyway, when we were looking for homes we went online and looked at countless listings. Every seller does their best to make their home seem perfect. Back deck overlooks to evergreen forest. Hot tub seats four and has access to wet bar. Swimming pool now mainly toad-free.

This is all fine and good, but it would be much more helpful for a buyer if the seller listed all the faults. Basement leaks. Termites munching on the floorboards. Creepy old crone in the attic swears like a sailor.

Of course they don't list these things. They do want you to buy the house after all. So new homeowners will generally always be in for a surprise. Despite our home inspection we found that the basement does leak, birds nest in every possible nook and cranny, and our front walkway is the home of a race of giant slugs.

I kid you not. Every day I come home I can see the reflection of the sun off their nasty sticky slug trails. From my expert tracking skills, I'd say there's about a hundred of them. They get drunk and then play freeze tag on our front step. One of them is really good, and if I'm not mistaken, it's also pregnant ... two weeks ... and will have twins.

The other night I came home and when I went to open the door I caught something out of the corner of my eye. Sure enough, climbing up the wall by the front door was a slug the size of my fist. It demanded I pay toll, but I reminded it that it was the size of my fist. We have an uneasy truce right now. I let it live and it helps me with the bird problem. That guy can pack sparrows away like a champ.

The slugs are tough but it could be worse. A recent story from BBC News says folks in Wales have their own slug problem. But it's a whole lot creepier.

In their garden they got these newly discovered slugs called ghost slugs. What sets them apart? Well besides being huge and pale as a ghost, the ghost slug is "carnivorous and kills earthworms at night with powerful, blade-like teeth, sucking them in like spaghetti."

Oh...my...goodness. I think I'm going to be sick. I mean, look at this thing.

I think that dark spot in its belly is like a big ball of earthworms it's sucked up. Either that or a labradoodle.

This is the kind of creature that inspired those old terrible horror films like Attack of the Giant Gila Monster or Three Men and a Baby.

I can see it now ...

SCENE 1: Timmy, David, Maggie, and the Mighty Thor are spending their summer break from high school camping in the mountains. They are deep in the woods hiking one day when they come across a large cave.

David: Wow, look at the size of this cave. There's probably a whole system of caverns and stuff in there. Let's go check it out!

Timmy: I don't know David. There could be bears in there.

David: What is it with you and bears David! I'm getting sick of this.

Maggie: Yeah, David. You've got to get over this bear thing. You're letting them control your life. You wouldn't even use the outhouse back at the campground because of bears. A bear couldn't even fit in there.

Timmy: What about a koala bear?

Thor: Koalas are marsupials, not bears. It's a common misconception. I say we verily set forth into yonder cave in the spirit of adventure.

David and Maggie: Yeah!

SCENE 2: The group enters the cave and their excitement starts to turn to fear as it grows darker and darker. Timmy, David, and Maggie want to turn back but fear angering Thor who has a reputation for treating cowardice most harshly.

Maggie: It sure is getting darker.

Timmy: Sure is.

David: Yup.

Thor (stopping and looking over his shoulder at the others): You aren't ... frightened are you?

Maggie: No way.

David: Not me.

Timmy: I like the dark. It lets me use my imagination to see things that hopefully aren't there.

Thor: Excellent. I think we're coming up on a sharp turn and ...eww what sort of villainy is this?Something sticky.

Timmy: Is it a bear?

Maggie and David: Shut up!

Thor: I shall use my mighty warhammer Mjolnir to conjure some illumination.

David: Why didn't he do that before?

(Thor waves his hammer around and it glow faintly revealing a giant ghost slug not even 20 yards away)

Maggie screams.

David screams.

Timmy: That doesn't look so bad.

Thor: This foul beast will taste the steel of Mjolnir!

(Thor hurls his hammer at the creature and watches it disappear into its gooey center)

Thor: Umm...

(The creature charges at Timmy bearing its razor blade like teeth)

Maggie: Do something Thor!

(Thor reaches out his arm and calls for his hammer. The slug stops its charge as the force of the hammer tries to pull it back. It turns around and charges Thor crashing into him and enveloping him. Thor manages to grab his hammer and begins to swing it in circles like a cieling fan. The slug lurches from side to side as Thor spins faster and faster. Suddenly the force of the hammer becomes too great and the slug bursts like an overipe watermelon)

Thor: You are defeated evil creature!

David: Nice going Thor.

Maggie (covered in slug drippings): This is so gross.

Timmy: It kinda tastes like Sour Patch Kids.

All laugh

End.