When Shock Jocks Attack!

Okay, we’re going to start today’s blog with a fun little word-association game. I’ll just say something and then, wherever you are, say the first thing that comes to mind. Ready?

Okay, here we go.

Politics…

Okay good answer. Let’s try another.

Paris Hilton…

Wow, that was quite a response.

Janet Jackson…

Yup, I knew it. You all said the exact same thing on that one, I just didn’t think it was going to be “caribou”. Well anyway, a lot of you probably also thought about an infamous wardrobe malfunction that happened nearly a year ago sullying an otherwise pure and wholesome televised sporting event. So enraged was America that the Federal Communications Commission started throwing fines around and tightened their leash on broadcast media throughout the nation.

“Foul,” cried the shock jocks of radio. “Freedom of speech and stuff. Wah!! Wah!!!”

So, persuasive were their arguments that I nearly found myself sympathizing with their cause. But deep down, I rumbled with uncertainty for I knew of the one law that governs mankind: Man is dumb. If you believe in this rule, you must also take precautions to protect certain dumb people from other dumb people.

Take today’s news for example. New York FM radio station WQHT, or HOT 97 ran a controversial segment. Can you guess how they did it? If you said write a musical piece about the recent tsunami which uses racial slurs to describe people swept away in the disaster and makes jokes about child slavery and people watching their mothers die, then you get the prize.

Can you believe this? What at all could be funny about this? WQHT’s program director and deejay Tarsha Nicole Jones, who uses the on-air name Miss Jones, apologized on the program and said the segment should not have been broadcast. Are you kidding me? The broadcast shouldn’t even have been conceived!

So I spend time thinking about how this could happen, and seriously, the only answers I come up with is Man is Dumb. And it’s not just these deejays, it’s everywhere in the news: Survivor winner Richard Hatch (I have to pay taxes on my millions?); Barry Bonds (I didn’t know I took steroids); and Keanu Reeves (I belong in movies)*zing!*. Maybe it’s not that people are just dumb as much as it is people don’t think.

I remember one day when I was at home with my parents. I was in the kitchen and noticed someone had the microwave going. I look inside and see a flame. Most of you would stop the microwave, or perhaps go for a fire extinguisher. Not me. I look at it for a good while, trying to register exactly what is going on. And having no luck, I call to my father down the hall.

“Hey dad,” I yell, “Why is there a candle in the microwave?” (that’s what it looked like in a way)
Naturally my father comes running down the hallway, shuts off the microwave and extinguishes the semi-frozen bag of broccoli. Haven’t we all done this? Anyone? Bueller? Okay, maybe not this specifically, but I’m sure you did something you didn’t think through at least once.

Does that mean I understand what these deejays did? No freakin’ way. How do you joke about something like this? I’m just saying they didn’t think things through and it exposed their true character. In the end, shock jocks make their living off ratings and they make ratings by making off-color remarks. If they get sidetracked enough by this quest for ratings they can lose their heart along the way. Good lesson for us all.

Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the Shrieking Frogs.

I know it’s not Tuesday. But when I heard about this one, I just had to pass it along to you. This is real great. Remember how a few weeks ago I alerted you to the danger of the Gambian Pouch Rat in Florida? Well, not to be outdone, Hawaii has its own unique invader: the cocqui frog, better known as …the SHRIEKING FROG! (cue scary music).

Apparently these little buggers sneaked over to the Big Island on a shipment of tropical plants in Puerto Rico and they’ve been keeping residents awake ever since. But I have good news and bad news for you Hawaiians that are forced to deal with this. The good news is there is something the frogs are more interested in than shrieking. The bad news: it’s reproducing at an astronomical rate. And who can blame them? Hawaiian nights are gorgeous. Why do you think so many newlyweds go there to shriek, eat spiders, and provide competition for native birds and fauna?

The Mayor of Hawaii is taking this very seriously. He has asked for $2 million to control the spread of the infestation. They’ve already tried spraying citric acid solution, but that only made the frogs shinier and gave them an incredible immune system.

Naturally, Florida officials have offered the world’s only “deercat”* to help “solve” the problem. But insiders say this offer is more to appease the beast’s demand for vacation time than it is to help fellow man. Since the offer was made, Hawaii has raised their defense level to Code Orange.

The frogs themselves are coin-sized and named after their high-decibel “ko-KEE, ko-KEE” chirp. I tell you, nature is great. I know if I was in Hawaii, I’d be out every night with a tennis racket swinging for the tree tops. But half a world away, I can only chuckle.

People often say, when God gives you lemons, make lemonade. This is great advice for making the best of an apparent bad situation. Let’s make the best. So pass your glass to Hawaii for a tall one of Frogade.

*see blog entry 1-4-05 “You Dirty Rat”

Survivor: Sing Sing

I am amazed at the popularity of reality television. They do so well and new series are popping up all the time including recent embarrassments Who’s Your Daddy, The Apprentice, and Who Wants to Marry a Hungryman Frozen Dinner. The only one I ever watched was the first Survivor season.

Remember, there was that angry woman, that old guy, and that fat naked guy. Well the fat naked guy, Richard Hatch, won the million dollar prize. I think what happened after he won the money is more interesting than what happened on the show. A wise person, probably Wilford Brimley, said “It’s the right thing to do. And the tasty way to do it”. But an even more wise saying and perhaps more pertinent to this blog is “learn from the mistakes of others”. Gather the children around for an important lesson.

The first season of Survivor was more popular than the Beatles. Or at least that’s what pop culture at the time would have us believe. A group of people from varied lifestyles were left stranded on an island and each episode they voted one of their castaways off the island. Last castaway on the island is filthy rich, or in this case filthy naked rich.

So everyone knew who Richard Hatch was. I did, my parents did, newborns, livestock …everyone. And when I say everyone I specifically mean the IRS. I am still trying to understand how this happened, but Richard Hatch failed to mention his Survivor earnings of 1.01 million dollars on his tax returns. When I can’t understand something, I like to make up pretend answers. So here we go.

Answer #1: Richard Hatch wanted as much money as possible and figured no one would notice. (The episode of his victory is one of the most watched programs in recent television history).

Answer #2: Richard Hatch is rock stupid.

It’s probably a mix of both. Well, Mr. Hatch is looking at five years in prison and $500,000 in fines. Please remember this: The Government Wants Their Money Bad. You know when you really crave chocolate, and you just got to have it? Well the government wants their money more than that. You know how a mammal desires to breathe regularly? Well, the government says, “Show me the Money, Roundskull!“

Anyway, the government funds many initiatives and agencies and when someone earns a million dollars on television, they know it and plan for it. So if you go on reality television, for goodness sake, keep your clothes on.

NASA Gonna Fix That Comet Real Good

I’ve always been incredibly impressed with the things man has learned to do through the years. Indoor plumbing, landing on the moon, and super-absorbent paper towels are probably the top three that come to everyone’s mind. But on July 4, 2005, we will bear witness to something so remarkable that everything else will pale in comparison.

NASA has long wondered what is on the inside of a comet. Why? Well, comets are believed to contain frozen remains from the solar system’s early years. By probing below the comet’s surface, we can learn what the universe was like 4 billion years ago. And you know how important that is…

Anyway, the question remains, how do we get a look inside? That’s easy. You ever go to a party where they have a piñata? Well NASA certainly has. They’ve also played a lot of video games and have been trying to find an excuse to blow something up for quite a while. They are preparing to launch the “Deep Impact” probe which will smash a hole in Comet Tempel 1, which is 82 million miles from earth, and then check out the guts and juicy bits that spray and spew forth from the massive gaping wound. Scientists are real sickos.

There are some noteworthy assumptions that NASA makes here.

First, how do we know this is safe? What if we merely alter the course of the comet and send it straight towards earth and it smashes us and sends our guts and juicy bits spilling over the expanse of space. I’m making myself a little woozy here…

Second, and more importantly, how do we know that comets aren’t actually alien spaceships that have living vengeful no-faced, spider-armed, triple-jointed nasties inside? We pop that piñata and the only treat were going to get is excessive probing.

Third, how do we know that his comet doesn’t belong to Magistrate Gigantor of the Volkan Empire? If you’ve ever have had something you loved destroyed or stolen by another you know how awful it feels. Well trust me, Magistrate Gigantor will feel the same, and after a therapeutic cry and several pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream, he will send his fleet of planet-eaters.

So ask yourselves: Is it worth the risk? Well, if the worst comes true and our guts and juicy bits do indeed spill forth, at least we will have the super-absorbent paper towels to keep anything from staining too badly.

You Dirty Rat. You Killed Our Ecosystem.

Yes, I know I'm late with this one. I was on vacation for the holidays acquiring loot and feasting. But I did come across a disconcerting news item as referenced in the title of today's blog.

Now I know this headline scares some of you. Well, it should. Especially is you live in Florida. Sure the weather is beautiful and the beaches are among the best, but if you look past the tourists, the night life and the beautiful sun bathers (ahem..I said look past them), you will now see large filthy ravenous rats. Brace yourself America for the invasion of the Gambian pouch rat.

The rodents can grow as big as a raccoon and conservationists are concerned that if the rats are not eradicated they could spread disease, kill endangered species, devour rare plants, and possibly construct a tower to the heavens made of their own excrement.

Florida Department of Tourism officials are quick to point out that the rats aren’t so bad. “They are very friendly and affectionate,” said Tom Meeks. “This is probably because their large size, formidable fangs, and martial arts skills ensure they have no fear of humans.”

These rats are so big they have no natural predators. Cats won’t go near them and deer still aren’t carnivorous. Biologists say in the absence of natural predators we need unnatural predators. They have therefore created the first “deercat”. The deercat has the body of a deer, but the head, tail, and carnivorous tendencies of a cat. It is also equipped with a side-mounted rocket launcher. Unfortunately it sleeps 17 hours a day and freezes when in headlights.

“The deercat is the perfect mutated beast for the job,” said Dr. Evelyn Krayzey. “It can bound through the Florida forests at remarkable speeds, it’s always hungry, and it is armed to the teeth.”

Florida residents are concerned that one deercat may not be enough, yet more than one could destroy mankind. The state of Florida has issued a contract to take out the rats, but so far no one has applied.

If something isn’t done soon, it may be too late. One Gambian pouch rat, can reproduce 24 babies in just nine months. That’s more than most people. And biologists warn that while the rat only appears on Grassy Key, FL, it is only a truck ride, bridge walk, or kite voyage to the mainland. And then there will be no stopping them.

So take this time to hug your children. Tell that special someone you love them today. For tomorrow, we will cower in the shadow of a giant and unpleasantly scented tower, trying to awaken the deercat. Happy New Year!