Microwave in Bed: The Pat Robertson Edition

Today’s blog introduces a new feature that I am sure we’ll revisit often.

Here’s how it works. Every once in a while a famous person says something so incredulous that you have to wonder if perhaps they:

1. are heavily intoxicated/medicated;
2. have recently been struck in the head with a wooden plank; or
3. traded their teddy bear in for a microwave oven as a snuggle buddy.

Since I don’t know the exact reason in each case I have to use a non-judgmental overarching term that makes the point that clearly something isn’t right. So let’s just call it “Microwave in Bed”.

The honor of being the first person to appear in this feature goes to Pat Robertson, religious broadcaster and host of “The 700 Club”. I have a feeling it won’t be his last.

As a bit of background you should know that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has said many times that he believes the United States may be plotting to assassinate him. He has a bit of a reputation for being a power-hungry dictator, communist sympathizer, and makes an out-of-this-world BLT.

Robertson made his feelings about Chavez quite clear on his TV program earlier this week. Here’s the quote:

"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any oil shipments will stop. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."

What do you think he’s saying? Let’s use multiple-choice. Pick the answer you think best summarizes his quote.

A. We should assassinate a foreign leader.
B. We should kidnap a foreign leader.
C. Assassination is wrong so let’s not even think about it.

If you’re like me, you probably said ‘A’. But we’re wrong. The answer is in fact both B and C. Guess we weren’t paying attention. How can that be? Well let’s go to the man himself. Here’s a few more quotes:

"I didn't say 'assassination'. I said our special forces should 'take him out.' 'Take him out' could be a number of things including kidnapping. There are a number of ways of taking out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP, but that happens all the time.”

"Is it right to call for assassination? No, and I apologize for that statement.”

I know what you’re thinking. How can someone apologize for an assassination comment when they never said “assassination”? Well I’ll tell you. He clearly sleeps with a microwave oven set on high strapped to his head.

As an aside, I want you to know not all Christians have the same…ideas on foreign policy. I’d much rather try one of his BLTs. We’ll see how it goes from there.

World Shocked as P. Diddy Changes Name

I just heard the news this morning and I confess it is difficult for me to even write this blog. People have noticed that I’m off and keep asking me how I’m doing….

Well, I don’t know how I’m doing. I don’t know what to feel right now. I guess I just don’t like big changes. You get used to something and it feels comfortable, and then it’s gone. But we have to move on….somehow.

I have so many memories of how it used to be. I remember having lunch out of my “Sean Combs” lunchbox with the “Sean Combs” thermos. All the kids thought I was so cool. But a week later, that lunchbox was obsolete. My loyalty knew no bounds. It wasn’t long before I got a vanity plate on my car which read “Puffy”. Oh yeah, I was the talk of the town. People would drive by me, smile, and give me a wave. But soon, the plate was obsolete as well.

I’m not sure what happened next. I know I was confused by the second name change and really wrestled with a lot of emotions. I woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and saw “Puff Daddy” tattooed across my forehead. My family was concerned to say the least. I was just getting used to it when he unveiled the new moniker “P. Diddy”….. I was in counseling for a few years after that one….and during one of my really low points I legally changed my name to P. Diddy.

And today, I hear he has changed his name once more. Now he is “Diddy”. Good for him. He thinks it’s great, but here I am with a new name, a permanent nonsensical face tattoo, a vanity plate that makes me look like a fool, and an old lunch box full of shattered childhood dreams. What a jerk. Below are real quotes from “Diddy” as to why this change is good. Maybe they will help us through.

Diddy: "During concerts, half the crowd is saying 'P. Diddy'--half the crowd is chanting 'Diddy'--now everybody can just chant 'Diddy.' "

Bless you “Diddy” for ending those horrible years of cross-chanting crowds. How many concerts were ruined….how many hopes, buried beneath the sound of mass confusion…

Diddy: "I even started to get confused myself--and when I'd called someone on the telephone it took me a long time to explain who I was. Too long."

What a trooper. Every phone call must have felt like a path into a dark and foreboding land where chaos and isolation were his only companions. Can you imagine it? Don’t even try.

Diddy: "I felt like the 'P' was getting between me and my fans and now we're closer."

Is it any wonder I love this man. He looks out for us. You’ll never hear Britney Spears or Justin Guarini say something like this. This man, this sacrificial superstar changed his name for us….amazing.

I know a lot of you roll your eyes at announcements like this. You probably think he’s too into himself or it’s just some marketing ploy to boost his popularity. But there are a few of us who still believe. We know the truth.

He is crazy. Somewhere in that brain is a strand of genius once known as Sean Combs, but it now sparks and wildly flops about like a fallen power line. Yeah, he’s nuts. Trust me, it takes one to know one. So if you’ll excuse me, I have some work to do. These name change forms are tedious…

Bored Humans Terrorize Butterflies

Every year millions of Monarch butterflies from eastern Canada journey to the central Mexican Mountains for the winter and wild drinking parties. It is truly one of nature’s marvels. But this year’s pilgrimage will test their courage and very sanity as they face a horror beyond the limits of their imagination.

You see, illegal logging is thinning and toppling the fir forests west of Mexico City that protect the butterflies from rain and cold. This concerns many activists who do not have jobs and can find nothing good on television.

One such individual, Francisco ‘Vico’ Gutierrez, desperately wanted to raise awareness of this catastrophic event and his idea could be a catastrophe itself.

“People don’t understand how important it is that these lovely butterflies be protected from the rain and cold,” said a friend of Vico’s. “Without these trees, they may fly a few miles south or possibly buy parkas.”



Vico’s plan, while possibly well-intended, will haunt the memory of these poor bugs for generations. He and his friend plan to accompany the butterflies for the entire 3,415 mile-journey while riding in an over-sized hang-glider painted with giant versions of the orange, black and white wings of the Monarch.

“Mr. Guttierez is clearly ignorant of Monarch culture,” explains Professor Gil Klein of Butterfly Tech. “Their history foretells the end of civilization being heralded by a 400 pound, 34-by-8 foot butterfly named Papalotzin, that would devour their very souls. I know if I was them, I’d be thinking…Papalotzin has returned.”

Ironically, Vico has named his glider ‘Papalotzin’ and has installed vents at the ends of each wing which can produce a heavy “sucking” effect. Should any Monarch be caught too close…well, they would be juiced.

Vico maintains his trip is purely to raise awareness.

“The object of this trip is to increase awareness,” said Vico. “I want people to know about the plight of these beautiful and sinful creatures who refuse to turn from their lives of tequila-swilling and debauchery.”