Arise…Sir Tom Jones

As the shadow of evil spreads ever further across our world, good people pray for heroes to arise and take a stand for what is right and noble. Today, in an effort to give the people the champion they so desire, England gave one of their most celebrated citizens the rank of knighthood. I speak of none other than the man whose life has inspired millions of people all over the world. A man whose voice commands the very pulse of our emotions, whether it’s the thrill of reaching a mountain top, or the sorrow of love lost. I speak of course, of Sir Tom Jones.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060329/ap_on_en_mu/tom_jones


It’s not unusual for a musician to be given such an honor. Sir Elton John, Sir Paul McCartney, and Sir Kid Rock have also been dubbed with knighthood. And these warriors continue to fight the good fight against the darkness.

It is rumored that the Queen has a special and extremely dangerous mission for Sir Tom. In fact, it is whispered amongst the halls of Buckingham Palace that the Queen has been orchestrating this moment for years. It is true that she and Sir Tom have met previously on several occasions, but they’ve never discussed the purpose of these talks. When asked about what they said to each other, Sir Tom simply says “I asked her ‘what’s new pussycat’? We just talked about music, love, and secret underground cults with plans of world domination. That’s it really. She’s a Lady and a good friend”.

Secrets are very much like an open sore. Something is always going to leak out. An undisclosed source close to the Queen had a few drinks and told anyone who would listen that Sir Tom and a handful of soldiers were being sent to Jerusalem in search of an ancient relic of immeasurable power.

Sir Tom confirmed that he is going to Israel, but that it is only a vacation and that he would soon return to his green, green grass of home. He denied any secret mission but added that should anyone know the location of a golden scepter with a diamond head that he’d love to take a look at it.

At his knighting ceremony Sir Tom said he looked forward to serving his Queen and country and that he regarded this service as his top priority. Adoring fans quizzed the one-time heartthrob if he would ever take time to find love but Sir Tom answered that he may never fall in love again.

Sir Tom has postponed his upcoming concert tour indefinitely. When disappointed fans flooded his Web site with their grumbling, Sir Tom responded that if things didn’t go well this week, his music, and music, in general, wouldn’t matter to anyone ever again. He declined to elaborate on this comment.

Chicken Nuggets: I Was Your Father

You know what I hear a lot of these days? Why aren’t there more new great inventions? It must have been great to be alive when world-changing inventions like the light bulb, the automobile, and the Furby were announced. But what has our generation seen? The Internet? I’m still not so sure that’s a good thing. I mean anyone can get on there and write whatever they want about all kinds of stupid topics ranging from vampiric politicians to eating roadkill.

Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I’m under the suspicion that all of our brightest minds are locked in a super-secret underground laboratory somewhere in Utah poking aliens with plastic lightsabers. It’s hard to blame them. I think we’d all seize that opportunity if we were ever presented with it. You know those spongy cubes that people stick artificial plants into to keep them upright? That stuff is crazy-fun to poke. I think that spongy stuff is likely portions or remains from our other-worldy neighbors.

A real problem facing inventors is our greedy and lazy world. You think you’ve got a great invention? Maybe you finally created a way to communicate with animals. What’s that? You’ve got a monkey helmet that allows you speak and understand monkey? Well, that is a great invention indeed. But guess what… there’s some firm in Atlanta that spends every hour of the day putting patents out on crazy invention that they never intend to build. And on that list at number 3001002 is “Monkey Helmet”.

If you create that helmet and start making millions, you will get your butt sued bigtime! And those losers who did nothing, along with primates across the globe, will reap the benefits of your hard work. Not much incentive to invent is it?

It’s a tough time for inventors. But it wasn’t always so. Recently one of our nation’s greatest inventors, and one of my personal heroes, passed on to the great beyond. His name was Robert Baker, and he invented the chicken nugget.



http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11977348/site/newsweek/

We sure do take these tasty bits of joy for granted. Believe it or not, but in the 1940’s there were no such things as chicken nuggets. This I think is the sign of a great invention. Something new is introduced to the world and years later people can’t imagine a world without it. Think about a world without television, airplanes, or telephones. C’mon, humor me, think about it.

Some folks think we don’t need new inventions. They think technology is the enemy. I don’t think so. Our world has got a lot of problems, and it’s possible that some great invention will soon come along that will help us rise above, which brings me to my main point:

WE NEED MONKEY HELMETS.

Let’s face it, monkeys are everywhere and their popularity is skyrocketing. If we want to end world hunger, we’ll have to find inventive ways of foraging for food. Who could help us? Monkeys.

If we want to stop wars we’ll need the wisdom of a culture that has strong family values and knows how to handle conflicts. Who am I talking about? Monkeys.

If we want to excel in our propensity to hurl feces so that one day it may be an Olympic event we’ll need superior training. (you know you’d watch) Who could teach us these skills? Hey, hey, it’s the monkeys.

So here’s the bottom line: we’re not going anywhere as a civilization without monkey helmets. Who cares if some joe in Atlanta makes the money off this idea. Stop poking that alien and get to work on the Chimp Cap © 2006 all rights reserved.

Chimp Cap is an idea owned solely by Aaron Lohr. Any production, distribution, marketing or profiting from the concept of monkey communication through headwear is strictly prohibited.

Water That’s Out of This World

For years, humanity has wondered if life existed beyond our terrestrial ball called earth. NASA has spent literally cajillions of dollars to answer this great question. Unfortunately no planet has that one element that is absolutely necessary for there to be life: cable television. And no other planet has water either, which scientists call “totally essential”.

Not long ago the satellite Cassini, named after the dazzling renaissance magician Cassini the Magnificent, arrived at Saturn and started collecting data on the famous ringed planet and its accompanying moons. Unfortunately the most exciting thing it ever found was a pattern of shifting space dust that closely resembled the profile of Elvis during his heavier years.

Today, however, NASA announced an even more remarkable find. While flying by the ice-covered moon Enceladus, named after the mighty renaissance warrior-poet Enceladus the Terribly Poignant, the satellite caught glimpses of Yellowstone-like geysers that are shooting water. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11736311/

Scientists say that this water is very much like our own, but if I were you I’d boil the mess out of it before drinking it. With this water, and it’s somewhat earthlike atmosphere, Enceladus is now the best, and only, bet for life in our or any other solar system.

Now here’s the tricky part. This moon is what astronomers call “very far from the sun”. So how can there be flowing water? How could the planet be so warm? The scientists believe that the core of the moon is liquid hot magma and off-center, closer to the surface of the southern regions. I suppose that could be.

But couldn’t it also be a race of subterranean aliens that have the body of a scorpion, the head of a male orangutan, and the temperament of cornered wolverine? I think it could. And if we alert them to our presence, it’s likely only a matter of time before they come to conquer our warmer and cable-ready planet.

Fortunately, NASA has been secretly working on a Time Machine. And while yes, the time machine was built purely for purposes of exploration and research, there may come a time where it will be needed for the purposes of national defense. The time machine is large enough to transport 3 or 4 people.

So, we send a two man team back in time to collect the two men who could save us. That’s right, I’m talking about Cassini the Magnificent and Enceladus the Terribly Poignant. I know it may sound ironic, but these two, while arch-enemies, are truly the best choices to come to our aid.

Everyone knows orangutans are suckers for shiny objects. And no one knows how to dazzle with shiny objects like Cassini the Magnificent. Furthermore, Enceladus, the warrior-poet, could stimulate the orangutan’s advanced cognitive powers with his stirring monologues, while decapitating it with his duel-edged blade, “Redemption”.

Without them we are lost. Of course, all of this could be avoided if we just leave those terrible monkey-scorpions alone. Let’s hope NASA makes the right decision.

Beautiful Park or Cradle of Death?

My wife and I love the outdoors and hiking is one of our favorite pastimes. There’s just something about being surrounded by the sights and sounds of nature. It’s pristine, peaceful, and you can go to the bathroom anywhere you want. But it isn’t without its dangers.

You’ve probably heard stories of bear and mountain lion attacks. And most of you know that rattlesnake bites can be deadly. Furthermore the woods are full of deadly spiders, overeager hunters, and difficult terrain that can snap an ankle like a twig. In fact you’d have to have a death wish to step into the wilderness.

Hikers at Yellowstone National Park face all these dangers and one other: the possible eruption of one of the largest volcanoes on earth. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11622376/

Avid Discovery Channel viewers know that much of Yellowstone is a caldera – a giant depression caused by past volcanic eruptions. Recent news shows that the caldera is rising slightly. The earth’s very crust cracks, long-dormant geysers now erupt with great ferocity, and the grizzly bears are pouring a foundation for what appears to be a bomb shelter. Could these be nature’s warning signs of an impending eruption?

Yellowstone last erupted about 640,000 years ago, spewing 240 cubic miles of material. If it explodes again this super-volcano would destroy life for hundreds of miles around and coat the entire country in ash. We need to be prepared. I urge you to run to Blockbuster and rent the riveting volcano documentary called “Dante’s Peak”. It’s a fairly spot-on view of what could happen and it stars James Bond and that lady from The Terminator.

Scientists are saying that we shouldn’t panic just yet, but visitors need to be careful. Recently some footpaths have been closed because the ground temperatures were close to boiling and fumaroles – holes venting hot smoke and gases – are popping up all over where the caldera is rising.

Now anyone who’s watched any natural disaster movie knows that most scientists are always wrong when they say don’t panic. What we need to do is look for that one scientist who says something like “We need to evacuate the park now!! You don’t understand! It’s going to blow! Why won’t you listen?!!”

Well I found her. Her name is Dee Finney. http://www.earthmountainview.com/yellowstone/yellowstone.htm



Dee says the great eruption will happen within the next couple months and usher in an apocalyptic time of Biblical proportions. Now this sounds exactly like what James Bond said in Dante’s Peak, so I’m more than concerned. Fortunately I still have my bomb shelter from when the Internet said that the new wave of 17-year cicadas were going to be vampiric and heavily intoxicated.

I can only encourage you to live life the way you always wanted to. It won’t be long now. Yellowstone is going to pop and it’s going to be raining ash and ravenous grizzly bears all over the United States. Grizzly bears are tough y’all. And even if I’m wrong about this, we’re still only 16 years away from a plague of erratically swarming vampiric cicadas. Either way, now is the time to tell that special someone you love them and stockpile on toilet tissue.