Stuck in His Ways

When I was younger there were some days that I just didn't want to get up and go to school. This feeling was most prevalent on school days. But as a kid, there's just not much you can do about it.

It's not like I didn't try. My brother and I once skipped school and played video games at a neighbor's house. But we had a good excuse. We were at the bus stop, and at about the time the bus was supposed to arrive, a pick-up truck rolled up. And who was driving that truck but our bus driver. I didn't think 35 kids were going to fit in there, at least not in a solid state. In gaseous state, I suppose we could fit a lot of kids in there, but the bus driver was a smoker and I don't think it would be safe to be in there as a gas with a mouth-breather.

Anyway, he rolls down the window and tells us the bus is broken and there will be a replacement bus coming along in a while. Well, we wait around for 15 minutes, and there's no bus. Then one of the boys says, "Forget this. Let's go play video games."

And so we did. I don't even know what we played on that Nintendo, but knowing that boy, it was probably either extreme deer hunter or Super Mario Underage Drinking.

In any case, when it was about that time that we usually got home from school, we walked our way back home. Our grandmother was staying with us then, and some neighbors tipped her off that they saw us around that boy's house during the day. So when we opened the door, she was ready for us.

"Hello boys," she said flatly.

"Hi grandma," we muttered.

"I see you brought your musical instruments home for a second day in a row," she remarked in a knowing tone.

You see, grandma knew that while Jason and I enjoyed band, we really despised cleaning those instruments. So we kept them at school for nearly the whole year. Sure my trumpet was so crusted with dried spit that only one valve could even slide a centimeter, but at least I didn't have to use those wire brushes and oils.

Grandma was playing us like an exceptional CSI and I knew it. I could see she knew everything, and I was going to have to be careful about my next move.

"How was school?" she asked.

My brother Jason looked at me. He assured me earlier that we would be alright as long as I let him do the talking.

"School was fine," he said plainly.

Then grandma looked at me, her gaze piercing my very moral fibers. Jason also looked at me, pleading for me to keep with the story. I took a deep breath...

"We skipped school!" I blurted out. Jason hung his head, but I kept going with my confession. "The bus never came and we went to this boy's house and played games and Jason said that if I played along, everything would be fine."

This last bit really didn't do a lot for my relationship with my bro. He was ticked, and grandma unleashed her fury on him and I came out smelling like the proverbial rose. Jason and I finally have worked things out after 15 years.

Playing hookie is a risky business as it's hard to get away with it. There's unexcused absences at school that need explainin'. So desperate children seek other methods of staying home. I came across one today that was so fresh and innovative that I felt the need to share.

This boy in Mexico got his mother's industrial-strength glue and glued his hand to the headboard of his bed. His mother couldn't pry him off and had to call the paramedics. And in the end, they got him free and off to school. He only missed a few hours, and I can't imagine his punishment at home.

So much for the glue idea. Looking back, I can't help but wonder what I missed at school that day the bus never came. I'm sure it was probably no different than any other day...but...what if that was the day the teacher farted. Bottom line kids, stay in school.