Governor…of the Night

What is happening to politics in America? I know many politicians are believed to be corrupt, over-ambitious, or just plain evil, but has it gotten so bad that we’re willing to put a real bloodsucker in office?

I mean we’ve seen bad action movie stars and professional wrestlers elected to office in recent years, but are you ready for a real vampire? Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey hopes you’ll help him be the next governor of Minnesota. http://www.startribune.com/587/story/178289.html

Apparently the self-described “Satanic Dark Priest” is running on the popular “Vampyres, Witches, and Pagans” ticket. I guess they finally gave up on Grandpa Munster.

So what does he stand for? Sharkey supports small government, massive political reforms, and impalement. For those of you who don’t know what impalement is, find out for yourself. It’s particularly nasty and I get woozy just thinking about it (like when I see an ad for ‘Skating with Celebrities’…is Bruce Jenner really still a celebrity?).

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Where was I? Ah, yes. So who would be eligible for impalements? Sharkey’s list includes terrorists, drug dealers, and repeat drunken drivers. So basically, extremists and professional athletes.

I think now is a good time for a history lesson. Sharkey isn’t the first politician to advocate impalement for trouble-makers. Once upon a time in a land called Wallachia, lived a young prince named Vlad III…a.k.a. Vlad the Impaler…a.k.a..Dracula….a.k.a…AHHH!!! Run for your lives!! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vlad_III

Anyway, Dracula was one mean dude. He liked impalement like I like pizza. Mmm…pizza… You see what I mean?

And sure the people were scared to death of him and so behaved well, but once his rival, the Hungarians, got an upper hand on Vlad, his people turned on him immediately. Sure the descendants of those Hungarians are continuously hunted by the immortal bloodsucker and his undead minions, but the point is, the system just didn’t work.

I did a little survey of my own and found that the following issues are what people look for in a candidate:

Lower Taxes: 54%
Ethical: 20%
Pleasant Smelling: 15%
Strong Impalement Policy: 10%
Knowledge of the Issues: 1%

So as you see, impalement policies are a distant fourth when it comes to what matters in a candidate. Sharkey should focus more on switching to Herbal Essence products. Mmmm…pizza.

Man, I’m hungry. Anyway, don’t think of this as just a Minnesota problem. Yes, they have a pro-wrestler governor now. And yes they may have a vampire governor in the near future. And yes, ten years from now they’ll likely elect a carton of cigarettes to be their leader. But this problem is about to go national. Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey has filed to run for President in 2008. The Democrats are countering with the Wolfman and the Republicans are rallying around Dick Cheney. Which monster from childhood imagination will win? Only time will tell…

New Jersey: You Got a Problem With That?

Earlier this year, my good friends and I went to New York to see a taping of Late Night with Conan O’Brien. We were so excited. We thought it better to spend the night outside of New York and just catch the train into the city. And thus set the wheels of fate in motion that would bring us into a land that we would never forget. It is a place whose name should not be spoken. Thankfully I can write it (just don’t read it out loud). The locals call it “Newark, New Jersey”. I won’t tell you what we called it.

Sure, we’ve all heard the stereotypes about New Jersey. The state is essentially a sprawling mass of chemical plants, smoke stacks, and fluorescent fluids that cause mutations of the most horrific kind. I’m not sure if all that is true, I mean I’m not sure that was smoke coming out of those stacks …

And yes there are a few pollutive plants, but there’s so much more. Like toll booths. There’s a lot of those. You can’t turn around without paying $1.25.

But seriously, I think the thing I remember most about New Jersey is how just plain scary it was. You see, we were staying at a motel near the Newark airport, and either they have a monumental crime rate or there are herds of man-eating sasquatch routinely rampaging through the community. Every window of every building was barred. I sent postcards from the motel and my parents thought I went to Alcatraz. We couldn’t even get into the motel because of the bullet-proof screen in front of the doors. We had to press a call button to converse with someone before they let us in the building.

Those who live in New Jersey or have family there may think differently about the Garden State, but I doubt it. In fact, the state has such a bad reputation that the local government held a contest to pick a new state slogan. http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/12/come.see.ap/

Among the entries were:
New Jersey: You Got a Problem With That? (no sir…whimper)
New Jersey: The Best Kept Secret (rampaging herds of sasquatch)
New Jersey: Love at First Sight (I love green skies)

And the winner was: New Jersey: Come See For Yourself.

Umm…is this really a good slogan?

Here’s what a typical call at the New Jersey Tourism Office will go like

Ring ring

Tourism Office: Yo. Dis is Leonard at da Joy-zee Tourism office.
Tourist: Yes, um, my family and I are planning a trip to NY and we were thinking about staying in NJ because it seems to be a lot cheaper.
Leonard: Yeah?
Tourist: Umm…yeah. And so I’m just a little concerned because I read this thing about green skies, high crime, and something about sasquatch. I was hoping you could alleviate my fears and tell me something good.
Leonard: Why don’t you come see for yourself knucklehead.

This is one of the best bluffs ever. They don’t deny anything, they just say, “Come see for yourself”. And if you go, you will.

Here are some much better slogans:

New Jersey: Relax in the Garden State
New Jersey: Land of Discovery
New Jersey: Beware the Sasquatch

Anyway, I’m sure New Jersey has some good areas. New Jersey should not be judged on the basis of Newark. I went to the NJ tourism site and found that visitors can enjoy beautiful beaches, golfing, camping, wineries and lighthouses. That sure sounds nice. And let’s not forget Atlantic City.

A little more research found something else. And I’m not joking either. Have you ever heard of the New Jersey Devil? http://www.strangemag.com/jerseydevil1.html

Apparently this thing has the head of a horse, large wings and claws and a serpentine body. And guess what, it eats children. But please don’t take my word for it. Come See For Yourself!

I Used to Like School Lunch

When I was in high school, there was one time of day that brought both the highest highs and the lowest lows. We called it “lunch”. To slap such a generic term on such a volatile and life-altering period is misleading at best and a woeful crime at worst.

The things I’ve seen. I remember watching John Baroney walking with a paper clip purposefully toward the stage. I was gnawing on a lunch roll, when to my amazement and amusement he unfolded the paper clip and jammed it in an electrical socket. He flew back several feet in a cloud of sparks and had to be escorted to the nurse. Physics lab was never that much fun.

Then there was my friend Tom. He was new to our school so I invited him to sit with me and my friends (something my friends remind me of to this day). Tom had a special way of making friends. You and I would probably introduce ourselves and try just to have a normal conversation. Well, Tom was more direct. He would take his cup of applesauce and then, much like a catapult, launch it high in the air towards a distant crowded lunch table. Such a throw would often be accompanied by a cry of “Bombs Away!” or “Fire in the Hole!” He would then follow this up with loud and uncontrollable laughter. Not too many people liked Tom.

Lunch was the time where friendships were formed and bitter enemies were made. You never knew what would happen, but you could always count on one thing, really greasy food with green beans and vanilla pudding.

But you can’t even count on that anymore. I read recently that one high school has opened the first ever vegetarian line. A moment of silence please…

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Okay. I’ve tried to see the rationale behind this but I can’t. When someone launches a sloppy joe at these kids, what are they going to do? Ball up a piece of lettuce and give it a good heave? It just doesn’t make sense.

Everyone knows the best lunch is the rectangle pizza with sausage or pepperoni bits. Mmmmm….I could sure go for like ten of those right now. A lunch like that could really get me pumped for the rest of the day. I learned so much those days. I could see time and space. I could remember historical dates and names like they were my favorite baseball players. I pitied the children who packed their lunch. Fruitsnacks…juiceboxes…peanut butter and jelly…ugh. They seemed so weak and fragile, and I knew if I thought about them too hard their minds would snap like twigs. So I ignored them best I could.

These veggie-loving kids get to eat noodles, carrots, beans, and tofu sloppy joes. How can we expect to leave no child behind with a menu like this? I suppose if these items were deep fried or had a ladle of greased poured over them, that perhaps these children could still pass standardized tests.

Everyone knows Thomas Edison ate sausage with every meal accompanied by a tall glass of the leftover grease. And that man was a GENIUS. After downing a glass of pure sausage grease he would make wild remarks about how awesome he was and then invent the phonograph or something.

Thomas Jefferson would suck on bacon strips like they were sugar daddies. And then, while the grease would trickle down his chin, he would do push ups and then stare in the mirror while he beat his chest. Afterward he would pen the Declaration of Independence or whatever.

So please, write a letter to your local schools and tell them you’re concerned that a lack of grease will keep the children from having the superiority complex and blind arrogance necessary to succeed. Won’t someone think about the children?!