And He Goes Down the Chimney….okay

So I was thinking about Christmas and Santa Claus today and I’ve discovered something peculiar. We’re all familiar with the character of Santa Claus and his infamous exploits (bringing toys, being jolly, poisoning Ukrainian Presidential candidates), but have we really stopped to analyze this timeless legend?

Let’s pretend an alien abducts you. He beams you up, gives you the standardized math tests and probing and then quizzes you on the icon of Santa Claus. And you tell him. He looks to his alien friends and smirks as best he can given the absence of a face. And that’s that. They will certainly attack for they know we are dumb.

Consider:

1. Santa Claus is ageless. He has been around and he will continue to be around. Ponce de Leon shouldn’t have been looking for the Fountain of Youth in the Americas, he should have gone to the North Pole. Which leads me to my second point.

2. Santa lives in the North Pole. I think all the explorers who have died trying to reach the North Pole are particularly put off by this one (or they would be if they hadn‘t died). They spend their whole life preparing, packing, mapping and training to cross this barren terrain and this timeless fat man freakin’ lives there with a whole city of elves and reindeer. Which leads me to my third point.

3. Santa is fat. Have you considered how Santa maintains his figure in the icy lands of the arctic? If you believe the Discovery Channel he swims off the shores of Seal Island and waits for the aquatic mammals to embark on their fishing journeys. Eyeing them from the deep, he singles one out and shoots straight up catching the hapless seal in his great jaws. The media is so biased. I’m pretty sure he’s munchin’ on the elves and reindeer. Which brings me to my fourth point.

4. Flying reindeer. Huh? I mean who thinks this stuff up? Reindeer are not very aeronautically crafted animals. Why couldn’t it be large geese, or bats? Imagine the Santa story if giant bats towed his sleigh. Anyway, somehow these reindeer fly and take Santa to every home. Which brings me to my fifth point.

5. Every home? The only solution is that Santa has perfected cloning technology. The cost of such an endeavor must be incalculable. Where does Santa get the money. He’s got a warehouse making toys for every boy and girl, he travels like crazy, and he’s got the cloning operation. Sounds sketchy to me.

Then there are the little things. Going down chimneys. A sleigh with room for every toy. Seeing and judging children at all times. And of course the logistics of running the warehouse of elves.

So this Christmas, let us all be grateful that Jolly Old St. Nick is on our side. Because let’s face it, he could make us disappear if he wished. So I say, bring on the alien scum. They won’t be “smirking” for long. Cuz you know what? Santa knows they’re coming, and he knows their naughty. He’s checking his lists and these no-faced, spider-armed, triple-jointed, nasties definitely made Santa’s Hit List. Beware! Beware!!! And Merry Christmas!

Hurray for the Award Programs!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. No, not the holidays. Please. Who cares about flying reindeer, Santa Claus, or the act of giving when the Golden Globe Awards are right around the corner. I’ve spent a lot of money at the theater this year and can’t wait for someone else to tell me which one I saw was the best. Today’s column will look at the best drama picture nominees and give you my personal reviews.

The Aviator (starring Leonardo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes)

I don’t even think this movie is out yet, but I’ll give it a shot. I’m not sure who Howard Hughes was, but I’m guessing he was some kind of flyboy. I’m gonna say he specialized in flying zeppelins. Before I didn’t see this movie, I didn’t think much of DiCaprio’s acting ability, and now I have to say my opinion has not changed. I did thoroughly enjoy the full scale model zeppelins. **

Kinsey (starring Liam Neeson as sex researcher Alfred Kinsey)

I didn’t see this one either. I like Liam Neeson, but I don’t like boring looking movies. I guess he has different people tell him about their sexual problems and he looks smug and doodles on a notepad. And like all biographical dramas he probably has trouble at home where he is neglecting family and/or having a drug problem and/or leading an army against the British. **

Hotel Rwanda (starring Don Cheadle as a hotelkeeper hiding refugees amidst genocide)

I’m going to be up front with you. I didn’t see this one either. It’s weird, because I saw like fifty movies this year. I never even heard of this one. Well, I’m thinking this one is pretty serious, because it’s in the drama category and is about genocide. Nick Nolte is in this film so I’m only going to give it two stars. **

Million Dollar Baby (starring Hilary Swank and Clint Eastwood)

Umm…you got me here. No clue. I guess Eastwood and Swank have some kind of miracle baby made of precious jewels. Most of the film is about the couple’s hardships protecting the kid from the infamous mobster Diamond Chuck Babystealer. This film deserves some consideration for it’s subtle underlying message that babies are valuable. ***

Finding Neverland (starring Johnny Depp as J.M. Barrie)

I don’t think there is a film more deserving this year than Finding Neverland. Why? Among the pluses this film has going for it are: excellent acting, terrific script, and it’s the only film on this list that I’ve seen. I certainly liked it so nuff said: ****

So which dramas do I think were snubbed unfairly this year?

The Chronicles of Riddick (starring Vin Diesel as a butt whupping convict)

I like the part where he killed that guy and had that witty one-liner. *****

Walking Tall (starring The Rock as a butt whupping ex-military type)

I like the part where he killed that guy and had that witty one-liner. *****

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (starring Renee Zellweger as a butt-whupping cookie muncher)

I like the part where she talks to herself about her insecurities. I also like the part where she killed that guy and had that witty one-liner.

I’m Dreaming of A Useful Christmas Gift

Aren’t the holidays wonderful? Families get together, we eat lots of food, we get some extra days off from work, and those classic Christmas carols re-emerge to conquer the airwaves. I just heard today that the Christmas Song has been recorded by different artists 500 times. That’s crazy. Did you know that every time the song plays, Alex Rodriguez makes another 5.2 million dollars? It’s madness.

You know what else is madness? Christmas shopping. The first Christmas gift I ever bought was a tube of rubber cement for my mom. It’s twenty years later now and I’d like to think I’ve matured some. I can’t wait to see her expression this year when she unwraps my two-pack of insect repellant. I know women like things that smell nice, and these smell like the outdoors.

If you’re like me, there is at least one person in your family that has everything they could possibly need. And yet like Frodo the hobbit, this is your burden to bear. Or perhaps you are of the rare breed that is an exceptional shopper and can knock out the Christmas list in one visit to the mall. To you I say: Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false!

I was lucky last year. My strategy of just roaming the mall praying something would catch my eye worked. I bought a wine-opening kit, which came in a cedar chest for my father. He loved it and still uses it. Such a gift is rare, a powerful treasure. I was the only one who could pull it forth from the stone, and when I gently opened it, to inspect what wine-opening tools lied within, a brilliant light shone forth and did verily melt my flesh. That’s when I knew I had to buy it.

I worry that I will have no face-dissolving luck this year. Any ideas out there? Just give them cash you say? I could do that. My parents do enjoy the occasional* trip to Vegas. But what if everybody did that? I give her $50 and she gives me $25. Merry Christmas indeed! Without a standard amount, Christmas becomes a spin on the roulette table. You may come out ahead or you may be stranded outside Caesar’s Palace dancing for bus fare.

No, cash isn’t going to cut it. What are their hobbies you ask? Good question. They like to travel. Hmm…I could get them plane tickets. Oh, you must mistake me for one of those folks who can afford the fees on the ATM machines. It’s up to $2.50 in some places!! We go to the ATM to get money not spend it! That $2.50 is like two tubes of rubber cement.

Anyway, as I roam the stores this evening, listening to the Christmas Song as done by Lil Jon & the East Side Boyz, I’ll be thinking, at least I’m not shopping for Alex Rodriguez.


*occasional: from the Latin occasius meaning “whenever possible”

You're Playing With the Big Boys Now

When I was a kid, one of my favorite things to do was collect baseball cards. I couldn’t get enough. I found fifty dollars on the ground one day and immediately spent it all on baseball cards. Don’t roll your eyes at me! I still have them and they’re worth at least forty dollars now.

I remember Barry Bonds’ early baseball cards. He was a lean, mean, hitting and base stealing machine. He was slim and fit, a solid looking ball player. After 1992 or so, his cards showed a slow and steady evolution, from slim, to muscular, to thick, to brontosaurus. His 2004 baseball card shows him in right field snacking on fans in the upper deck. Yes, I know brontosauruses are vegetarians, but muscle enhancers can change even the gentlest of sauropods.

And I am curious. When baseball players Jason Giambi and Bonds admitted to having used steroids, were you really surprised? Not many sports writers were. But you know who was surprised? Barry Bonds. That’s right. His response at the trial was that he didn’t know he was taking steroids. He thought he was using a nutritional supplement and an arthritis rubbing balm.

Everyone please raise your tree-trunk shaped arms if you take nutritional supplements. Okay, quite a few of you. And I know an older gentleman with arthritis who carried my car to a service station when I ran out of gas a few years ago. How can you not know?!

Barry said his trainer told him to take these supplements but didn’t tell him what they were. Now, those who know me also know my fear of doctors. I don’t like their sterile offices, and the fact that they always chased me home when I was a kid. The last time I saw a doctor I asked a million questions. What is that? What’s it do? How much will it hurt? Five pints? Are you sure? So if one of them told me to take something, you better believe I would ask why. And I don’t even depend on my body to make jillions of dollars.

But Bonds just took it. How does that conversation go?

Trainer: Hi Barry.
Bonds: Hello trainer.
Trainer: Put these chemically-concentrated drops under your tongue and rub this ointment all over your body. The trainer has spoken.
Bonds: And so it shall be done.

And I like the names of these drugs. The drops are called “the clear” and the ointment is called “the cream”. And rain is “the wet”, grass is “the green”, and human waste is “the reality television”.

Anyway, Bonds said “I didn’t know”. This didn’t even work when I was a kid.

Who broke the lamp?
I don’t know

How did this stain get on the carpet?
I don’t know

Who used up all our toilet tissue to mummify the cat?
The cat had violated an ancient commandment. And he was safer to squeeze that way.

Maybe now that we are adults, it will work.

Why were you late for work?
I don’t know

Why were there so many typos in that report?
Eye doughn’t noe.

What’s the deal with the cat?
Well, you get the idea.

So what does this mean for baseball? Will Barry still be a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame? I don’t know. But if he needs another line of work, I heard they’re filming Jurassic Park IV.