Soul Patrol!!

Yesterday, Taylor Hicks, was a mere mortal, known to most of America as that guy with the gray hair who dances like a colony of fire ants suddenly materialized in his pants. But today he is so much more. He is the American Idol … who dances like his underpants spontaneously combusted.

Sure, he wasn’t the sexiest of the contestants, nor was he well-liked by Simon Cowell. And sure he danced as though his hips were remote-control operated by the Orangutans at the National Zoo Think Tank. But his stage presence was so passionate and likable that he won in a landslide.

Runner-up Katherine McPhee had the looks and the voice to win this competition, but no one could hold a candle to the energy and magic that Hicks poured into every song. When he sang, he could make even the blandest of songs a super hit. And when he danced, he looked like a coked-up drug dealer getting tazed on Cops.

So what does the future hold? Will people pay money to see the gray-haired marvel shake his hips like an over-loaded washing machine? I think they will. And it’s not just because his dancing resembles a newborn gazelle’s first attempt at running. It’s because he’s got soul. And years from now, that is what people will remember most.

Illusionist Seeks Uncomfortable Death

It wasn’t too long ago that I was watching this awesome documentary on the Discovery Channel about this illusionist named David Blaine. His elaborate card tricks were stunning. He’d ask a guy on the street to think of any card. The dude would say: ‘eight of spades’. Blaine would then throw a deck of cards at a restaurant window and they’d all fall to the sidewalk, except one. The eight of spades. It was sticking to the window, on the INSIDE OF THE RESTAURANT. WHAT THE?!!!

I won’t even tell you about the time when he was in this abandoned mine and this demon-like thing attacked him. He held out his staff and said “A la peanut butter and jelly sandwiches”. And guess what happened… the Statue of Liberty disappeared!! It was crazy.

Anyway, he doesn’t seem to do these awesome tricks anymore. Now he undertakes these bizarre attempts to be as uncomfortable as humanly possible. For example, some of his latest triumphs include being encased in ice for nearly 62 hours, being suspended above London's River Thames for 44 days in a glass box, and spending 35 hours on a 100-foot-high pillar that was only 22 inches wide.

Last Monday, Blaine lowered himself into an eight-foot-high water-filled acrylic sphere in the plaza of the Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts, where he plans to remain submerged for seven days. And just in case he survives, after the week is up, he will come out and be handcuffed, wrapped in 150 pounds of metal chains and dropped back inside the sphere, where he will then attempt to hold his breath for a record-breaking nine minutes.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20060505/
en_afp/afpentertainmentus_060505165312

There are some people who are terribly excited about his tricks. For example, Arnold Hall, founder of Big Acrylic Spheres says, “My family can eat again!”

But others are left to scratch their heads and ask ‘Why?’ Maybe it’s the fame. Blaine has been linked to relationships with celebrities like Madonna and Fiona Apple. Perhaps he protests Modern America and it’s addiction to comfort and easy living. Or perhaps he’s crazy. Insane in the MemBlaine.

I have a theory. I think David Blaine suffers from Reverse Psychoendorphalyticus. Whereas most people find pleasures in things like ice cream, beautiful music, or Jim Carrey films, a very few people suffer from a rare hard-to-spell disorder that reflects the opposite. These people find pleasure in bee stings, the View, and acid reflux.

I believe Blaine cannot be content to have a quiet evening at home, or take in the latest blockbuster (although a Christian Slater film would be acceptable). His joy is found in pain. And I, being the generous soul I am, want to help. Here’s an idea for his next trick that will be sure to bring him to nirvana.

First, call up your boy with the acrylic sphere. Instead of water, use honey. Add to the sphere, 3,000 killer bees, 3,000 army ants, 1 grizzly bear, and Dick Cheney. You get in and close the top. The sphere is then placed inside a space shuttle and blasted off into space. As you all fight it out, the sphere will eventually break. You will then have to hold your breath for quite some time as you do hand to hand combat with Dick Cheney (who requires little to no oxygen). If you win, you will then get on top of the grizzly bear and attempt re-entry into the earth’s atmosphere. Should you survive re-entry, you will guide the grizzly into the Great Barrier Reef. Here you will fight off scores of great white sharks and one ticked off bald grizzly. When you stumble upon shore, all I want is a simple thank you. Good luck.