Ray Gun: Not for Animal Usage

I’ve watched a lot of nature documentaries and lately I’ve been thinking that humans got a really sweet thing going on. I mean no other animal has it so easy. For animals, every day is a life and death struggle. One day you’re playing with your bros by the ole waterhole, and the next thing you know, your body is caught in a deadly tug of war between a pride of lions and a huge croc.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM

Of course we have our own struggles. I remember the other day I was really looking forward to watching CSI: Miami, and it turned out to be a repeat that I have seen like three times. I was very disappointed…still alive…but disappointed.

I can’t help but wonder how humans came to rule the planet. It seems we have the worst survival skills. Other animals have fur to keep them warm, claws to climb trees and protect themselves, and the ability to eat meat without having to cook it. They have much stronger senses, they’re generally in fitter shape, and most animals are completely debt-free. These animals have lived for centuries in harsh conditions like the jungles, deserts, or the Serengeti. We can’t even keep a cool head when the power goes out or when it snows a few inches.

In a fight, most animals would totally own a human. And I’m not just talking about bears, lions, or sharks. Think about it. If I locked you in a room with a couple possums, what do you think would happen? How about if I turn out the lights? They can totally see in the dark and would shred you to bloody ribbons before you could even wet your pants.

And yet, every day there’s less of them and more of us. You know why? I’ll tell you why. Because we got da brains. If evolution is true, then I’m guessing once we got those bigger brains, our fur fell off, we lost the ability to sense oncoming natural disasters, and we could no longer just fall out of a tree onto a boar, envelop it in our thick scaly coils, squeezing the very breath out of its lungs, before unhinging our jaws and devouring the beast head first. Yes, those we’re the good ole days.

But we’ve found ways to get back to our roots. We don’t have fur, but someone invented Abercrombie & Fitch, so now we can stay warm and be smug. Someone, I don’t know who, invented the George Foreman Grill so that we can once more eat the other animals without contracting lethal diseases. And we still don’t have claws, but now we have a ray gun! How bout that three-toed sloth! You got a problem now? What?!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20497575/

Oh, you didn’t hear? The army has a ray gun now. This sucker is the size of a hummer and it shoots people with an energy beam that creates the sensation that their flesh is on fire. Apparently, it’s so painful that the army hasn’t been able to justify its usage. Of course that didn’t stop them from plunking down $62 million for it.

Commanders in Iraq say this weapon would provide an excellent non-lethal way to disperse crowds. My response? If you think the crowd was tough before, wait until you have hundreds of people running and screaming through town as their skin cooks from the inside out. I’m sure in time, they’ll cool off and accept democracy.

So, if the Army isn’t going to use this beauty maybe we can think of other ways to use it. How about we put one on top of mosquito trucks? If it can cause such pain in people, it will totally fry those little buggers.

And are you tired of those door-to-door salesmen? They won’t bother you anymore after an encounter with the Fleshmelter 3000.

So let the animals have their precious fur and mighty claws. Just don’t let them get behind the trigger of this masterpiece, because they would light us up like a Christmas tree.

Science Proves T-Rex Superior to David Beckham

People sure do love their sports, especially here in Washington, DC, home of the Washington Redskins. For those of you who follow football, you know the Redskins have fallen on hard times in recent years. Success has been hard to grasp, although there are reports that the backup punter successfully parallel parked at camp the other day. I’ll believe it when I see a picture.

If the Skins could dominate opposing teams like they dominate the coverage on local news, they could build a new stadium out of Super Bowl trophies. I just don’t get it. It’s ridiculous. Here’s a sample:

Anchor: It’s been a busy day in the news world. More violence in Iraq, confirmed cases of West Nile Virus, and of course the approaching alien invasion fleet is just passing Saturn. But first, with Redskins training camp only two months away, we’ve sent on-the-spot reporter Dippy O’Dumdum to interview a poster of Redskins backup punter Jackson Chickenlegs.

Dippy: Jackson, what can we expect out of the Redskins this year?

Poster of Chickenlegs: …

Dippy: Umm…do you think the recent additions to the starting defense will be effective in shutting down the running game this year?

Poster: …

Dippy: We hear you’ve been training under a new coach to improve your parallel parking skills. Are you making process?

Poster: …(sounds of garbled static which then clears to robotic voice)…Attention Roundskulls…Our fleets are nearly in position. Surrender now and your primitive species will not be vaporized.

Dippy: …

Anchor: Excellent interview as always Dippy. Jackson was a little more talkative today. When we come back, Topper will tell us when these clouds will move on and we’ll finally see Mr. Sun.

Don’t get me wrong, I love sports, but sometimes I think they are elevated a bit much in the public interest. David Beckham recently came to America to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy and it created quite the uproar throughout the world. Beckham started his career in England for a team called Manchester United. And I don’t think they ever got over losing him.

A headline on CNN regarding a study from paleontologists from the University of Manchester reads: “Study: T-Rex Could Outrun David Beckham”.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/08/22/
dinosaur.speed.reut/index.html

It almost sounds like a personal dig. Here’s the quote from lead researcher Phil Manning.

“Our research, which used the minimum leg-muscle mass T-Rex required for movement, suggests that while not incredibly fast, this carnivore was certainly capable of running and would have little difficulty in chasing down footballer David Beckham, for instance.”

Wow. He went on to say that the T-Rex could also easily catch and devour his mother-in-law. “She wouldn’t stand a chance against the ancient beast, no matter how much shame she tried to heap on it.”

Other scientists say more tests are needed before these conclusions could be taken as fact.

Dr. Marcus Gilliard, Manning’s undergrad professor, says, “I’m not sure how I feel about this study. When Manning was in my class I caught him doodling a picture of a T-Rex coming out of a cloning machine and tearing me to shreds.”

In reponse Manning said, “Go on and doubt. We’ll see how smug he is when my baby rips through his very bones!”

Thankfully dinosaurs have been proven to be extinct for quite some time, so it’s not like we need to start exercising or anything like that. However, should David Beckham disappear and be replaced by a puddle of bloody goo in a giant footprint, I would advise Dr. Gilliard to work on his leg presses.

This Toast is a Bit Squishy

I consider myself a pretty adventurous eater, kind of like Indiana Jones mixed with a sloth bear. I don’t mind the weird faces people give me when I’m eating raw oysters, scrapple, or Play-Doh spaghetti. But I wasn’t always that way.

My parents are great people and they did an excellent job of introducing new foods to their two sons. Unfortunately for them, my brother and I were very skeptical of these new foods, and I think my parents did a wonderful job to address and diffuse our concerns.

Mom: Here’s your salad.
Aaron: What is this purple thing in the salad?
Jason: Why does it look slimy?
Dad: It’s poison. Eat it.

My brother and I didn’t relish the idea of eating poison, but we thought it a better option than to complain further. It turns out the purple thing was just your everyday severely bruised mole rat. It wasn’t very good unless you drenched it in French dressing and then chased it with a glass of Strawberry Quick.

Anyway, a lot has changed since then and there would have to be something pretty nasty on my plate for me not to eat it… something like slugs. But who would do something like that? I’ll tell you who, David Kallos from Lund, Sweden.

http://www.thelocal.se/7939/

This guy runs a restaurant, so you think he would have better things to cook and serve than slugs. What’s wrong with pizza or strawberry mole rat sandwiches?

Kallos says unprecedented numbers of slugs have been devouring everything in their path, including his precious herb garden. He had to do something, so he got creative and came up with a recipe for “slug toast”. How about putting the slugs in a plastic sack and putting that sack in a dumpster? Maybe that’s better than putting them on toast and eating them.

Slug toast comes with bacon, onion, and fresh chili and tastes like sour milk and sweaty feet.

Kallos says, “I’ve worked against the food in this case. Usually I bring out the raw produce’s character but here I’ve done the opposite – I’ve hidden the taste of the slug with anything I could.”

If you want to hide the taste of the slug, how about losing the slug all together? I know it’s a revolutionary idea.

Listen up all you fancy restaurateurs! Just because something is extremely unappetizing doesn’t mean nature is challenging you to find a way to get people to eat it. You’re taking this too personally. People don’t want to eat slugs or fresh and squishy octopus. They want a cheeseburger or a tangy berry mole rat smoothie. Please relax and for goodness sake take the “slug” out of “slug toast”. Toast has served our civilization for eons and it doesn’t deserve this.

Postcard or Panda Poop?

Man, I haven't blogged in forever. I need a good excuse. Let's see. I got a new job and I bought a house. And of course, I was on expedition in the Himalayas for the month of June. And no, there aren't any sasquatch...anymore. And on a completely unrelated note, sasquatch fur isn't good for much more than scrubbing sasquatch blood off your boots.

It's the summer, and I'm sure many of you have gone on vacation. If you're like me, you probably went someplace tropical and people everywhere were attracted to your fantastic body. And if you enjoyed your vacation, you probably bought a T-Shirt, shot glass, or stuffed animal to remind you of your time. Don't you wish that you could have purchased a souvenir that was a little more original?

Look at what China is doing. With the Olympics set to take place in Beijing in 2008, the Chinese have come up with an innovative and exciting new type of souvenir that will both look cute and disgust. No it isn't a racist bunny. Really it's quite genius. China has something that other countries don't have and desperately want: pandas. These animals are so popular that if one of them successfully spawns it makes headline news in America. While China is not willing to sell these precious animals, they are willing to part with the thousands of pounds of panda poop that they leave in their wake.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070731/od_uk_nm/
oukoe_uk_olympics_beijing_pandas;_ylt=AqkvvDTtdNdSNIYGfoaKFXDtiBIF

And of course no one is going to line up to buy lumps of panda squeeze, so to make them more appealing, artists have sculpted the poo into attractive and practical items like picture frames, statues, and chocolate chunk cookies.

If you're not already searching eBay to purchase a panda poop chess set, listen to this re-assuring quote from Jing Shimin, assistant to the Director of the Chinese wildlife research centre: "They don't smell too bad".