Kneel Before the Chicken Queen

Could England have a new queen soon? What once was an emphatic ‘no’ is becoming a backdoor possibility. In case you didn’t know, Prince Charles is going to be getting married to Camilla Parker Bowles on April 8th. Isn’t that nice?

Oh sure, Charles and Camilla were seeing each other while he was married to Princess Diana, and she blamed Camilla for the break-up of their marriage. But still, isn’t it beautiful. And when the public came out against the wedding, Prince Charles promised that she wouldn’t be queen but be called Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cornwall. The man sure knows how to honor the public and the memory of Princess Di. Yup, swell guy. Wait a sec, what’s this? British law states clearly that Camilla would be queen, no matter what Charles says. It’s the law? Well how about that.

And … geesh…this topic is a little boring. Every time I hear the name Camilla, I think about the stuffed chicken that Gonzo had in the landmark television epic “Muppet Babies”. So let’s go with that instead.

So can you believe that the prince is going to wed the same chicken doll that ripped the fairy tale wedding apart years ago?! The travesty! How will the world respond? I’ll tell you how: WITH BOUNDLESS RAGE!!

Think about it, chickens have long been subservient to humans (especially plush fake chickens). Now they have one of their own in a position of ominous power equal to that of 10 supernovas. Do you like eating at KFC or Popeyes? Well you better kiss that lifestyle good bye brother, because these clucksters are going to be signing your paychecks!

And this is only the beginning. Apparently Camilla the Terrible plans to appoint the exiled dark general Ted E. Ruxpin to Minister of War. You remember his exploits don’t you? And that madcap Tickle M. Elmo will once again open his laboratory to his unnatural experiments.

Man will have no choice but to rebel. Camilla has seduced the Prince with her romantic come hither glances and turned his mind into a mushy pile of garlic-buttered mashed potatoes with a little bit of rosemary….mmm….
Sorry. Do you see the irony? This plush chicken has brilliantly established a puppet government. When the forces in power cannot help themselves, are we not obligated to do our part? What would you give, years from now, at home in your rocking chair, hankering for just one leg of tasty extra-crispy chicken, to go back and seize that ONE CHANCE, to have your freedom.

So, um, … England is going to have a new queen, and it’s not very interesting. And sure, this Camilla-stuffed chicken-Teddy Ruxpin-genocidal-general dream may be just a dream. But remember this cryptic prophecy: (cue music) Muppet Babies, we make our dreams come true. Muppet Babies, we’ll do the same for you.

Such power for such young and fictional minds. Dream well, world, for what fears you hide in the dark regions of the subconscious will be brought to light by these felt covered infants.

Martha Stewart: Unleashed!

We’ve had nearly a half-year of peace since hardened criminal Martha Stewart was indicted on charges of insider training and wagering on chicken-fights. This week she emerged from West Virginia’s Alderson Federal Prison Camp with a gleam in her eye and an intricate plan in her heart.

You probably remember Martha as a calm, soft-spoken woman who enjoys making wreaths and pies. How nice. Well prison can change a person. While inside, Stewart was known as Mad Martha for her proficiency with a sharpened tooth brush. Fellow inmates expected Martha to be a softy, and we’re more than surprised the day she showed up.

“When the guard closed the door and left us alone, the real Martha revealed herself,” said Cindy Jenkins, fellow inmate. “She rushed me and pressed me against the wall. I couldn’t move because she was holding a jagged piece of acorn or something against my throat. She told me to not even think about starting anything with her or she would gut me like a fish. You better believe I left her alone.”

Producers of her popular television series, “Martha Stewart Living” admit they already have seen some changes.

“We’re used to doing stories about impressing co-workers with stylish homespun handbags,” said producer Morty Wallace. “Now she’s talking about doing an episode on ‘shutting up the neighbor’s dog with a well-placed pine cone”.

Martha’s prison sentence has actually been a boon financially speaking. Her stock has nearly tripled in value since her first day in prison. It makes me wonder why we value Martha more after learning she wasn’t as clean as we thought she was. What if we discovered she had a few bodies buried in her back yard? Would we elect her to public office? Maybe, if they were bodies of ninjas or something.

And like most creepy/dangerous/ex-con celebrities, she has a nearly cult-like following. I cannot grasp the reason for this. Even before she was a criminal, she was slightly more boring than a ran-over possum. Then she commits a crime that is much less exciting than a ran-over possum holding up a bank, and she gains an even larger following. What is it about her?

Sherlock Holmes was known to say that whenever you have factually eliminated the probable, than what you are left with, no matter how unlikely, no matter how improbable, must be true. So the probable would be she is exciting and makes our lives more worthwhile. This is not true. So, what we have left is obviously some form of mind control. She’s proven her cleverness with her little trinkets, but the cleverest thing she has ever done, is convince the world she is as normal as a live possum.

Please, world, be careful. Her voice bounces off satellites and surrounds us at all times. At any moment she could seize us and fill us with an absurd desire to make homemade paints using berries and sour cream. So if you find yourself involved in a home improvement or cooking project that involves pipe cleaners, shells, or sharpened toothbrushes, fight against it. It’s not you, it’s Mad Martha. Thanks for listening. Now I’m off to weave a pot holder out of some pigeon feathers.