Creepier than the Average Deer

It is hard to find a scientific theory more controversial than evolution. Except perhaps this crazy talk I hear of something called the “heliocentric” theory, which suggests our planet actually rotates around Pyranon, the God of Fire. This is clearly heretical, and such “scientists” should be thrown to the Hydra.

Evolution suggests that all organisms can trace their origins to some asteroid’s snot-rocket. That may explain our salty taste and need to shower regularly. Evolution suggests that organisms mutate and evolve into other organisms as they adapt to their ever-changing environment. For example, a bird may have difficulty reaching the berries of new species of plants and so in time the bird’s beak may change sizes to better reach these new food sources. Or an alligator may need to get to the 7-11 to pick up a pack of smokes, and so it turns into a Dodge Ram.

The point is, these mutations somehow serve to advance their species. But if all such drastic mutations are for the better, than we may have a legitimate reason to be very, very afraid. This story comes out of Wisconsin.

Ron Lisko is a hunter, but he had never bagged an animal like this one. This deer had nub antlers – and seven legs. Furthermore it had both male and female organs. The extra legs grew out of the other four legs, and in Lisko’s words, resembled “crab pinchers”. Let me just say this: EWWWWW!! I need a bag or something to heave into right now…
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061214/ap_on_fe_st/seven_legged_deer

Lisko says that before he nailed this monster with his truck he said he saw these appendages moving. What possible purpose could these mutations serve? Well, crabs use their pinchers to shove carrion into their mouths and to win battles for mating rights. As mutated as this deer was, it had no mouths on it’s legs or torso, so we can cross out carrion shoving. And if this deer challenged other deer to pincher battles, it would likely be laughed at. So what’s the deal?

I’m afraid the answer is as troubling as the problem itself. Readers of this blog may be familiar with a cruel and violent creature called the deercat (See January 4, 2005 blog entry). It is a genetically altered animal that should never have been. Biologists weren’t sure how this creature would impact the ecosystem when it escaped from the laboratory it destroyed. But now I think we’re seeing the unnatural fruits or those scientists’ twisted labor.

The surviving scientists, who still live in hiding for fear of the deercat’s revenge, have sent warnings to heads of state that there is a possibility that this seven-legged deer was the deercat’s son. If this were true, we may have a serious problem. Not only does the deercat have incredible speed and strength, and that side-mounted rocket launcher, it’s powers are magnified by it’s intense inner rage.

Law enforcement officials have sought to question Lisko further about what he saw but they must have had the wrong address, for all they could find was a smoldering crater accompanied by a mysterious burn pattern that seemed to spell out “IT’S ON!”

Now I don’t want to be the one to cause a mass panic, but I think it needs to be said, that we’re likely all going to die. Thanks a bunch Darwin. Thanks a whole bunch.

Flatulence on a Plane

Traveling by airplane can go one of two ways. Very good, or very, very bad. Very good happens when you pass out for the majority of the flight and wake up as the plane lands. Savvy travelers are hip to this fact and bring along the right medication to ensure a peaceful trip.

Very, very bad is by far the more common type of travel experience. There are so many ways that his can happen that the traveler can at least fine some solace in the fact that they won’t have to suffer the same way twice. Common factors that contribute to a poor travel experience are children playing with loud beeping electronic games, abnormally rough turbulence, and gremlins pulling the aircraft apart piece by piece.

The toughest part about planes is that once you take off, you’re stuck for a while. To make things nicer for you, you’ll be given chairs that are supposed to recline but don't because there's a big dude right behind you. And once in a while they’ll let you get up and go to the bathroom. That may not sound like much, but everyone on that plane gets excited when the fasten seatbelt light turns off.

When you’re trapped like this, some things can become more annoying than usual: children crying, people kicking your seat, or even just cramped seating space. Annoying as these things are, they are nothing compared to a story that comes out of Nashville, TN. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16064706/

A Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from matches. Apparently a woman had pretty bad gas and…well…let it rip. Just like all of us, she waiting a few seconds afterwards praying there would be no smell. Then just like with most of us, she not only detected an appreciative odor, but it’s ripe pungency nearly brought tears to her eyes. Well, no one wants anyone else to catch their scent, so she decides to light a match … on a plane…

Well, smelling fire and being on a plane is a lot like seeing the silhouette of a kitchen knife on the shower curtain and hearing the theme from “Psycho”. It’s a bit alarming.

So the plane is diverted for an emergency landing. Now all these folks who are going to be late have to call their work or families and tell them the news. And really, it’s going to come across like an elaborate lie from a third grader.

Mother: “Timmy, why aren’t you in bed like I asked?”

Timmy: “Well, I was, but there was this noise under the bed, and I was really scared, but I remembered daddy said I shouldn’t be scared, so I decided to look under the bed, and there were these glowing eyes looking at me and this voice said ‘The hour draws nigh Timmy! The hour draws nigh!!’ So I looked at the clock, but it wasn’t drawing anything, so I was confused and decided to play Nintendo”.

Here’s how it is for these poor folks:

Matthews: Boss, I’m going to be late to the meeting.

Boss: What? Why? You know you’re leading this presentation.

Matthews: Well we were on this plane and we started smelling this nasty smell, and then we smelled another nasty smell, like something burning. And we told the flight attendant and they said there was a fire somewhere because some lady farted real bad, so we all started screaming and people were running around, and this one guy opened the overhead compartment across from me and I saw these glowing eyes, and a deep voice said ‘The hour draws nigh Matthews! The hour draws nigh!!’

Boss: Yeah. Well…you’re fired.

And you know, the funniest part about this whole thing, is that Matthews is Timmy’s father.

And seriously, who lights matches on a plane to cover their farts?